Life After Betrayal

Emotions are running around inside of me that I just don't know how to deal with???

I love him and want nothing but the best for him. But do I want to grow old with him?

Do I still see myself standing by his side as we welcome our first grandchild?

Do I truly care if once he is back to himself if he heads in another direction in life? Would I be sad to see him go or would I be happy to be free?

I stay for my own sense of responsibility, out of the love I have for my children and the responsibly I feel for this man I have loved for so long..

But I no longer see my happily ever after and I wonder if that is sad? Or if I have finally grown up enough to know what I don't want?

I feel older wiser and in more control of who I want to be. When I see him, I see a child who needs a strong woman to hold him up. Only I now see I want a partner to work with as a team. I might even want that knight in shining armor to make everything OK?

So as these emotions run through my head and I sit and I watch him sleep, I think love should never hurt so bad.. As a wife and mother who has worked so hard to keep her family together. Who has loved so unconditionally and put my families needs above my own. The pain I feel is so real, but the peace I feel watching him sleep, holding him close hearing him breath.. Makes me question why? Why was I never enough and why now do I feel even these sweet tender moments will never be enough to help me heal????

the tender moments will never be enough, sad but true.

why? because those moments are just that moments, unfortunately, the light of day, triggers, continued selfish behavior results in the loss of the specialness of those few moments.

why is it that we women care so deeply, so very deeply? why is that we women want to make life as good as possible, even subjecting ourselves to lives of pain and constant questioning "why wasn't, aren't i enough". the truth is this 'no one would be enough' - not even if it were she, the great MADONNA. no, men like our husbands are hell bent on destroying our love for them, and sadly they know or at least believe that we will never ever leave - why BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW HOW, WE JUST DON'T KNOW HOW. we will continue to work, we will continue to offer ourselves up as sacrificial lambs, we will continue to be all things to all people, we will continue to want to protect the dream for our childrens' sake - even though when in reality it is far better for a child to be from a broken home than to live in a broken home. i know, you are going to type that your children really never hear you argue that much - am i right? well there is more to living in a broken home than living with fighting and yelling--------------- what about the message we are sending to our daughters - that we women must subject ourselves to play out our lives for the benefit of others. what about the message we are sending to our sons----- that women are put on this earth to simply enhance the lives of the men we choose.

even though if we did we would be so much happier and content. we would finally know peace - we would then be able to begin a new journey,,,,,,, a journey labeled 'MY LIFE - FINALLY'.

you are living proof that bad things happen to wonderful, good, kind, caring, loving, sensitive, nurturing, intelligent, independent, women AS AM I.

we are a sad sorority aren't we?

you are in my thoughts and prayers..

hi CL, sorry that you are in the painful place emotionally.

you sound like a wonderful person - loyal an trustworthy. caring so much about everyone in your family. but it is clear you are not happy. if you care so much about your children, i am sure they care strongly for you! and would like to see you happy. not sure your h can make you happy (just because the way he is).. but maybe (surely) there is someone out there who can!

why do you stay? i understand this is difficult question to answer, but maybe you should try to answer it for you... and if you say its because you dont know how to leave - i dont believe you! dont stay till the point you become a men hater! we all are somewhat responsible for our own happiness... i guess i am trying to say we all got to help ourselves to be happy and not to feel like a victim.... You are responsible for your life an he is for his an that is that... you deserve happiness and you have every right to search for it whichever way it is.. nobody will b happy if you will make all those sacrifices, sacrificing your own happiness and for what? your H? your children (i understand that they are grown ups already)? your children will want to see you happy not you making these sacrifices... just think what would you have wanted for your mum if she would have been in your situation?

anyway - don't listen too much into me as my point of view is tinted with my own struggles :). warm wishes to you :)

Gal,

Your post touched me and I just want to wrap you in a big hug.  I am so sorry that you are having a tough time right now.

I'm not sure exactly what I want to say.  But, I find that i can't "not" write you.  Please excuse the rambling.

You said that you felt like you weren't good enough.  That, my dear, is just nonsense.  Your H and children are lucky to have someone like you in their lives.  I'm lucky to be able to call you friend.  Don't ever think that you're not good enough.  It's just not true!!  Each and every person you touch are better because you did.

I know how you feel.  As a mom, I'm feeling that same thing.  My children are 17 and 10 (almost 11).  They don't need me like they used to.  I found myself sitting around with nothing to do.  (Doesn't help that I work from home.  That makes things even worse).  It's at these times that I start doubting everything.  My M, my H, most of all myself. 

Find something that you enjoy.  Just that one thing that brings a smile to your face each and every day.  Something that is yours and only yours.  Mine?  I leash my dog every morning and wait for the kids to get on the bus and the rest of my neighbors to leave for work.  The neighborhood is so quiet and peaceful.  The birds are singing and the trees are swaying.  Something as simple as that walk gives me a peace that for so long was hard to come by.  It's funny how it makes those tough times a little bit easier.  It takes the importance out off all of those negative thoughts.  Find your peace.  Find your special...something.  You may find the answers you seek.  You may find that some of those answers aren't quite as hard to handle as you may think.  Find your strength!!  Trust me, it's there. :-)

One thing is for sure.  Whatever you decide will not change who you are.  You will always be that wonderful woman you have always been.  You will still be the same person who has reached out to all of us and given such support.  You, my dear friend, are special.  Do not doubt it!

((Hugs))

Always my best,
SC

Thank you so very much to all of you! I guess I am just confused by how much I truly do love this man. Yet I see how incapable he is to love me in return. There are days when he is all I could ever hope for and then there are days when I see we have changed so much, gone in different directions and just are not the same people we once were oh so long ago..

I love him, I have always loved him.. But I think the "problem" now is I have learned to love myself more :(  And as much as I know that is a good thing the pain of  knowing I have to love him and myself enough to let go to move forward. I am just so not ready to do so.. Watching him sleep feeling him close, makes it far to hard for me to do what in the end maybe the right thing for me..

Rambling again.. But thank you all for listening and understanding and just allowing me to get these feelings out..

Hugs Gal