Life After Betrayal

As most of you know I also CL on the BSSG board, I have been seeing many posts about the struggles BS's seem to have in regard to moving forward. The pain they feel with all of the unknown answers to some pretty deep and painful questions. It made me wonder does the XWS have similar struggles? I mean do you question what is going on inside of the head of the BS in your life? If so what are some of those questions? Do you ask and not get answers? Or is it the fear of what those answer might be that keeps you from asking?

I guess for me as a BS I have asked millions of questions and have only gotten a dozen answers over the years. My H is just not able to deal with the reality of things. I understand that there are some questions that if answered may hurt your BS more. That some have made a promise never to hurt their BS again. There are also some that feel some questions are privet and just should not be answered to keep some privacy for themselves. Yet given the pain and the struggle going on inside of each of us how do you know what questions to ask and what ones to answer?

I guess the bottom line to this post is simple are there struggles that the XWS has that they wish they could share with their BS but some how still can't?

It some how seems easier for the XWS to move forward then it does for the BS? Is that truly the case or is it more the XWS suffers in silence taking their lumps if you will because they feel they some how deserve it? Pain is pain right? We all deserve comfort and answers so why is talking so darn difficult?

I had better stop now seems as if I am rambling.. LOL

Hi Gal
Of course everyone's different .. so purely from my POV.

*I guess the bottom line to this post is simple are there struggles that the XWS has that they wish they could share with their BS but some how still can't?*

Over the time there definitely has been. Some things have just taken time until we were both ready to face up to different issues.
Right from the start I always said to my H that if there was anything he wanted to ask, then i would answer it, so he had to be sure that he really wanted to hear what i had to say. Once it's said it can't be unsaid. Mostly that was around the 'detail' stuff. Later on down the track the questions got 'harder', more of the emotional stuff and the essence of the betrayal aside from the physical side of things. And i haven't always known the answers, so at times it was easier to say what he wanted to hear, but then the actions weren't there to back it up so we ended up dealing with the whole issue again. It has taken a long time to get to some of the answers and to be brave enough to admit them.

*It some how seems easier for the XWS to move forward then it does for the BS?*

My H told me that was how he felt. But for me, i don't agree, i think we both struggle but not necessarily with the same things. In the end what happened was what i choose to do. I became someone i didn't like or even understand - and that takes a bit of working out before moving forward. Let alone dealing with any guilt or unresolved issues from the A relationship.
He struggles to understand why and whether in fact i really do want him when it seems obvious from the A that i wanted to be with someone else.
I struggle to understand why i did it and to fix it so it doesn't happen again.

*Is that truly the case or is it more the XWS suffers in silence taking their lumps if you will because they feel they some how deserve it?*

You know sometimes its even hard to come here when i know that my H might see something that i've said and i end up doing more damage. So pain is pain, yes, but when you're the one who put it there in the first place, it's not easy to do/say something that's going to heap on more.
Being completely honest has been one of the hardest things to do and doesn't always bring comfort.

I was going to say that it's the least that we can do, to be honest with each other ... but do we really always want to know ... really? I'm not saying dishonesty is a good idea but i just wanted to acknowledge how hard some of the questions are to face up to.

Thanks for the questions Gal, hope some of that made sense. And that things are going OK for you?

g2bf

G2bf, Thank you so much for responding, I totally get what you are saying. It is true that sometimes you don't "really" want to know the answers to the questions that float in your head. I guess for me on a personal level when the hurt was fresh I did ask questions I am glad that I did not get answers to, you know the "details" and such.  However as the hurt started to lesson from the physical images I started to weigh those questions in my mind. The ones I needed and the ones that would just haunt me forever and were best unknown.  The struggle I think I can see in so many xws's is how do you know what questions to answer and you and Justkim have said many times you are willing to answer any questions your spouses needed answered but also warned that your spouses might not like those answers in the black and white sense of them anyway. Yet you have compassion enough to not want to be hurtful or selfish enough to keep your spouse in the dark anymore.

I guess for me again on a personal level it is the simple fact that my H is unwilling to answer any questions or even show the type of compassion I so desperately need. I see that in so many other posters as well some fresh on the heals of betrayal still trying to work their way through the darkness. In those cases I find it "normal" to still be struggling with the right way to handle things. Then there are people like me who have been doing everything they can to save their M only to find there really is not much there to save, because the other person is just not willing to listen or more to the point talk about these struggles and answer the questions that truly need to be answered.

As I type this I think to myself now is this just me a BS feeling entitled to these answers because I feel as if I am the victim? Am I living a life as some kind of martyr that just can't let go of the pain? Or is it that some xws's just can't see past their own discomfort to truly want to help heal the person they say the love?

It seems as if the BS is always caring on about their pain, while the xws does not seem to get to voice there with out fear of hurting the BS. In my case I think it is fear of being on his own that keeps my H from being honest about his feelings towards me and why he had two A's. He is not willing to face his truth because it would lead to our D. I am not willing to push for his truth because I feel that his pain does matter maybe more then I should?

Rambling again.. lol thanks again G2bf for being willing to share your feelings and thoughts with us. You have no idea how much it means to me personally as well as those that have come here. Hugs Gal

Gal,

So I was trying to decide if I should answer this question.  I was just informed over on the BSS board, actually, that JD could answer it for me because my answers as a WS are so predictable.  Perhaps one of those TWO repentent men could jump in and answer for you.

At the risk of the eye rolling by those who already know my exact response to this, there are two things that I avoid/avoided talking to my H about: My responsibility for his bad behaviors and the ways I have punished myself since the A.

I guess the first one requires some explaining.  After my A, my H went out and had, what, 16 of his own?  He went on worse drinking binges than he'd even been on.  He was investigated by child services for both neglecting my children AND endangering their lives.  But no matter how long I've been here on these boards and how much I protest, I feel like I'm responsible for these things.  I feel like I deserve it for what I did to him and what I did to myself.  Logically, I know I didn't drive him to cheat on me or to get drunk and put my kids in the car for a joyride, but it doesn't matter.  I will never know if I caused those things.  I can't possibly ever know because I *did* cheat.  And all at once this feels completely, overwhelmingly narcissistic to think that *I* could influence him so greatly, but when he tells me it's my fault and I look him in the eyes, I believe that it is.  Again, I *know* I didn't make him do it, but I *feel* like it's all my fault.

I also haven't told him about the things I've done to "repent" for lack of a better word.  We have a very incompatible manner of dealing with the A's aftermath.  For example, although he made the A very, very public, he didn't want me to face those same people and talk to them about it.  If I discussed the things I'd done to attempt to fix the damage I'd created, my H told me to stop punishing myself.  Yet, at the same time, he still punished me over and over, so it's sort of an inconsistent method.  I never told him about my telephone calls and landmark meeting with XAP's W.  I didn't tell him about facing the demons and admitting my A and lies to the people I'd betrayed.  I didn't tell him about my modified 12 step method to deal with my A and its aftermath.  All of those last few things occurred after we'd separated, so I guess it wasn't terribly important to tell him, but I just got so frustrated knowing what I had to do to make things right and feeling like he wanted to keep me in punish mode.

Hi Gal,

>>The struggle I think I can see in so many xws's is how do you know what questions to answer and you and Justkim have said many times you are willing to answer any questions your spouses needed answered but also warned that your spouses might not like those answers in the black and white sense of them anyway. Yet you have compassion enough to not want to be hurtful or selfish enough to keep your spouse in the dark anymore.<<

That's always a tough one, isn't it?  To know just where that balance is, where the line is...it's hard.  And then, too - when that line changes from day to day.  When one day you're told "tell me everything", and the next it becomes "no, I don't want to hear about that!!".

But then, I guess that those things suppose that you have a spouse who is even *willing* to begin to answer questions in the first place.

You know my story.  You know that I was the co-CL on MAS - the home of the deny, deny, deny mantra.  The home of the "don't tell one single thing more than you HAVE to" mantra.  The "that would just add insult to injury so don't ever even *dream* of telling the truth, the whole truth" mantra.  The "protect yourself at all costs" mantra.

You also know that I'd been participating on the All Sides board - where the opposing viewpoint to those mantras was stated.  (In mantra form.  Repeatedly.  Hee hee.)

D-day comes, and in all the chaos, pretty much the only things I can really remember about all of the advice I'd ever read were "deny ALL" and "tell ALL".  No middle ground.  No grey areas.  No happy medium.  All or nothing.  Do or die.

You know which route I took.  You know that I signed into iVillage, opened MAS, and showed DH how to do an advanced search for posts I'd written.  You know that I chose "all".

I think that we both still probably have days where...we wonder if that was the right choice.  Or maybe it's more about...the lack of choice really.

My DH didn't really get to decide which parts he didn't want to hear about just yet.  He didn't get to decide which information he really wanted and needed, and which he didn't.  He didn't get to take it all in slowly, at his own pace, finding out more on his terms, when HE was ready for it.

He got it all, in one giant serving.  Ready or not.

I think that there are probably good things and bad things about that method.  And, some days, what falls into which category probably changes.

>>I guess for me again on a personal level it is the simple fact that my H is unwilling to answer any questions or even show the type of compassion I so desperately need.<<

Sigh.  And see, I don't get that either.  That degree of unwillingness...after all this time...STILL.

I sort of feel like...if someone really is just THAT unwilling to even attempt to answer even the most basic questions - then...what the heck are they still even DOING there?  What's the benefit there?  If you really don't want to have to answer, if you really don't have it in you at that point to show the least little amount of compassion...

Well.  Then maybe you should just leave.

But, maybe that's harsh, or I'm not showing enough compassion.

>>Then there are people like me who have been doing everything they can to save their M only to find there really is not much there to save, because the other person is just not willing to listen or more to the point talk about these struggles and answer the questions that truly need to be answered. <<

Sigh.  I know, honey.  (And, you know how I feel about that one already.)

>>As I type this I think to myself now is this just me a BS feeling entitled to these answers because I feel as if I am the victim?  Am I living a life as some kind of martyr that just can't let go of the pain?<<

While I think that there are definitely people for whom that is true - I definitely don't believe you're one of them.  (For whatever that's worth...)

(And, the subject of entitlement is a whole other post I think...)

>>Or is it that some xws's just can't see past their own discomfort to truly want to help heal the person they say the love?<<

I'm not sure I believe that's really true.  I mean, I guess I'm more likely to believe that it isn't that they can't in that case...it's simply that they WON'T.

>>It seems as if the BS is always caring on about their pain, while the xws does not seem to get to voice there with out fear of hurting the BS.<<

Well, again...that goes back to the whole balancing act  - where that "line" is.  And you know, there are more than a few people who would argue that we're ever even allowed to express any of ours given that we brought it on ourselves.  But, again...that's a whole other conversation.

I hurt.  I feel pain.  I'm afraid.

I am, after all, a human being - and NOT a monster.  Or a psychopath.  Or a narcissist.  Or a sociopath.

Unfortunately, it isn't always a "good time" for me to feel those things.  I mean, for a while after d-day, I was so focused on trying to somehow fix or heal my DH's pain that I pretty much totally blew off my own.  I denied it.  I utterly negated it.  I repressed it.

I walked around telling anyone who asked that I was "fine".  I said it with a straight face too.  Some days, I was even so darned convincing - I managed to convince myself.  But, in fact, I was so freaking far from fine I'm still somewhat surprised that I didn't snap completely at some point in there...

I focused on DH though.  I focused like it was my JOB.  I turned into like...some kind of demented fifties housewife having her first dinner party for the husband's boss - always nervous, always anxious, always sort of fluttering around, asking "can I get you anything?"  (Maybe not quite...but that's how it felt, on the INSIDE.)

*I* was fine.  He was the one who was hurt.  Not me.  I WAS FINE.

And, two years later, after more unnecessary arguments, angst and tears than anyone should ever have to be on either end of...I'm finally now just getting to the point where I can start to even *believe* that "fine" could be a real possibility for me - someday.

And there are still those who would be quick to tell you that I'm one of "those WS's" who just doesn't get it, isn't sorry enough, doesn't understand, and am totally getting exactly what I deserve - simply because I have the audacity to even express that *I* hurt too, that I'm a human being with actual thoughts and feelings and that sometimes?  <gasp> I even DARE to express those things to my DH, even when he's hurting too.

So, you know.  I'm probably really not the best person to answer any questions about that whole line now that I think about it...

See?  I can ramble too Gal!

Kim