I need some help and I think I may be able to get it here. First I am the one who betrayed my boyfriend many years ago during our first year of dating, when we were breaking up and getting back together every few months. He was afraid of committment and there was never proclamations of love, not that this makes what I did right in any way. It was a one night thing, I had been drinking and don't even remember what happened. I know this is terrible that I put myself in that situation. And since this is anonymous I can admit that though it was something with two men. I did not have sex with both, from what I was told I made one guy leave and somehow ended up having sex with the other man. I believe I was taken advantage of and used, again not that this makes anything better. I put myself in that situation by drinking. So this information came out that I cheated a year ago, though I initially held some information back. Anyway for some reason he then married me and its been only about three months or so since we married. He says periodically that he forgives me but then every few months he blows up, dinigrating my womanhood and calling me a whore, slut, etc. He goes to places that I even know are wrong. I told him about something that happened to me when I was a teen where I was sexually abused and he uses that against me calling me a whore for it. I know I truly hurt him and deserve these things in a way, but I sometimes wish that if he knew he couldn't handle it he just left me and not said that was past and he loved me and married me anyway. Or I just wish he'd talk about his hurt without constantly resorting to derogatory gouging at me. Anyway this is what I really need advice on the last time we fought it escalated more than it has before. He was calling me a slut etc and I didnt see the point in just sitting there with him yelling anymore so I tried to go to sleep. This made him so angry so to get my attention and I guess show me how disgusting I was to him he peed on me and the bed. Then after I put the sheets and everything in the laundry and tried to sleep on the couch, he came in with a gas can, poured gas on me and a bit on the floor and with a lighter yelling that he was going to burn the place down. he didn't and I dont think he'd ever hurt me physically but this just made me not feel like a human being. and I know because of what I did and how hurt he is thats why he does it. I also have hurt too and betrayal. A while ago we got pregnant, I had always told him I would never want to get an abortion but I was so emotional during this time and he used this to his advantage, he said he couldn't be a father and I needed to get an abortion. I wanted to have the baby myself and I even said I didn't need or want anything from him (I have a good job, house and supportive family that would help, I have always been financially independent). he said that would make him feel guilty and bad knowing he would have a kid out there, then he said that I would make a bad mom and that I would find a bad father for the baby etc and I don't know I was crying and crying and finally I said that I'd do it. I know he did this out of fear and I don't hate him for it. But he didn't treat me with respect then. Also I found in his email that during pretty much the whole first three years of our relationship he's been emailing and chatting with women online, a few in particular, mostly half naked pics of himself and asking and recieving pics of them. he once sent one woman a picture of us, with me photo shopped out. i know this is just email and i am not allowed to even mention this to him with out him becoming sarcastic because it pales in comparison to what I did. and I know it does so I don't bring it up. My sense of self is leaving though and maybe I deserve it. I just sit around sometimes and repeat the things he says to me and start feeling like a dirty, slutty, whore. I don't know. Please give me some wisdom.
Love 
