Life After Betrayal

Hi everyone,
I'm a 34 year old faithful husband and father of two children. I just found out last month that my wife of 9 years had an affair and slept with a friend of mine on four occasions. This friend was our Sunday school teacher and both he and his wife were good friends of ours.

I've always picked at her about him because they always seemed to "pair" up at gatherings and what not. She just laughed it off. I checked a recent cell phone bill and saw that he'd been texting her and calling her daily since December last year. I asked her about it and she said it was all innocent chit chat. After threatening to get a transcript of the texts, she finally came clean.

She said it was nothing I did or didn't do and that it was all her fault but I didn't care to hear all of that. I am willing to admit that I could have done a better job giving her more alone time and attention. She said it was the attention he gave her that caused it all to happen.

I have chosen to stay with her. It is going great but I have very tough times throughout the day, everyday.

This site seems to be a great place to find support and share feelings with others. Thank you.

Jsimpson,

Your story is extremely similar to mine.  I am less than 48 hours post discovery.  I am in a hotel room under the radar trying to find some stable ground.  A mess to say the least.

I am a similar age and a father of 2 children.  The only way i could get her to come clean was through text and phone bills.  She lied and denied everything up to that point.  I am blown away with the lies and the willingness to put it "all on the line" for this type of thing.  Some trashy stuff here, really.  So I think, what if the tables were turned?  Would I lie and deny to the end.  Gosh I really don't know unless I was in those shoes.  I think I would do a better job avoiding the situation than lying once discovered.  It seems the standard m/o is to lie and deny.  a damaging m/o at that.  What comes after the lies?  The truth?

Before this, we had it made.  I would have put our relationship against most I have witnessed.  We had our issues, but a great gig nonetheless.  Now this...

Brutal...I have engaged a councelor already and had my first session yesterday afternoon.  I have my second session scheduled later this week. I have been through pain in the past, but have never been faced with betryal.  So far, it seems worse than anything I have faced before in my life.  Definitely, the worst day of my life. 

So...I am literally taking my life minute by minute and thinking way small, so that I can avoid thinking about too much at one time.  I can't believe this is happening.

So for now, i grieve in this hotel room taking it minute by minute...

Now what...I have not idea.

I'll come back later.

Our stories are extremely similar. I really feel for you. Look, it's the toughest thing I've ever faced. But it has gotten better each day.

Is your wife truly sorry for what she has done to you? I see the regret and remorse everyday in my wife's eyes. We cry about it together almost every night. Ask yourself this..."If I cheated on her and was really truly sorry for what I had done, wouldn't I want someone to give me a second chance?". God wants you two to be together and does not want divorce.

You will have the worst thoughts and images in your head for a while. Just pray to God to help take those away. Remember, wives cheat for emotional reasons, not physical ones.

I will help you in anyway I can. Follow your heart in this situation. The first day or two I only wanted a divorce and to move on. After a few days, you'll know if you really want to stay or not.

Please keep in touch with me and let me know what's going on. I'll be more than happy to provide any feedback I can.

It WILL and DOES get better, I promise you that!

Thanks,

I have a couple of friends I have confided in, but none of them have been through it, thank God.  I appreciate you getting back to me on this.  It helps reading your post.

My wife text me early this am pleading with me and that she is sorry.  She emailed me too.  I have many questions regarding the affair, but think i have resigned myself to the details of the sex. Yuck!

I have been praying some, just not sure yet what to pray for.  To take the images away is a great start i think.  I just keep thinking small.  I am in-hiding for the most part processing.  I am on the gulf coast so the storm has granted me an extra day.  I want to get home to see my boys, just not sure I can keep it together in front of them yet, so to be safe i will take a day.

Did you take a few days away from the house or did you hang in there face to face?  How long did it take to get over the worst part?  I have not spoked to her since the discovery shake down.  I am afraid to talk to her again for fear that she will lie to me.  I really don't think i can/we can survive another one of those.  I might just go bonkers.

Anyway, i love her and miss her oddly enough. 

that is all i have for now.  can i email  you through ivillage?

Thank you...