Life After Betrayal

11/2/07 my husband's mother dies from cancer at 62. The life I had with my husband died that day too. He changed, he was not the same person. From that day to Sept of this year, I struggled to understand what its like to lose a parent, even one that he didnt get along with all the time but love dearly anyway. My final straw came on 9/2/09 from being ignored, being pushed aside, being cared for last, being thought of last, being yelled at regularly, arguing regulary, having him throw and break things. I felt like I was living in the movie "click". I was done, I actually called the cops and was able to have him removed from the house for 24 days. The 24 days was darker then the last year and half was. I was emotionally broken. I had no idea where he was, what he was doing, where he spent his time or if he missed me as much as I missed him. Did he even love me anymore. He promised me forever and I missed the man that wrote me the letter telling me how important I was to be in his life. The 24th day came and we were finally able to see each other and then later that day I asked for a hug and he hugged me tighter then anyone ever did. I told him how I didn't want this to be over, he started to cry and told me his life is s*** without me and he wants us to never be apart again. I was concerned about where he was and asked. He said "dont it was awful and I was drunk most of the time, I thought I lost you, I thought I lost everything". So for 2 weeks I said nothing, just was happy that my husband from years ago was back and it was so wonderful. Finally I pressured him to tell me, I asked the words I didnt' want to ask. Did you sleep with someone else? -- The answer killed me. But before he started to tell me he wanted to make sure I really wanted to work this out and I believed in him that he is changed and will never disapoint me again. He thought I hated him and he was broken over it. He ran into someone we both know, someone that actually watched our daughter a couple of times and someone that has been to our house for holiday parties. Someone I would've called a friend.  Almost.. The down side is: he won't elaborate so I feel like he's got a secret that I can't know about. He says he doesn't think about it. He's ashamed of it and he's totally focused on us. The other side:I run into her, this is not a large community by all means, so there she is everywhere I freakin turn.. How do I handle this? When I tell him I've seen her again, he always apologizes knows that he has caused this and feels horrible. How do I deal with my feelings about this? I want to know more, he struggles with telling me as he knows how much he's hurt me already and he doesn't want to because he's all about me. He's so greatful for his second chance.  I guess my trouble is me. I'm the one that's having a hard time. Is this normal? Is it ok? Should he tell me more? Any suggestions in this would be great.  Thanks alot!

I'm sorry you find yourself here. You've been through quite an ordeal. First of all, is your H in counseling? I know we all deal with the death of a parent in different ways, but his reaction seems extreme and it might be important for him to understand why and to make sure he is healing from his feelings and not just repressing them.

As far as giving you information about what happened, I believe he needs to be willing to answer any and all of your questions. Just know what you want to ask. We all want different levels of information, so what you want is up to you, but just remember that whatever information you get is with you forever.

Hopefully this is not an issue, but you need to make sure that there is NO contact between this woman and your H now.

As far as you having a hard time with it: yes it's definitely very normal. It seems the WS often wants to just move on and be done with it. They are ashamed and don't want to revisit it and they have all the information about what happened so they don't go through the wondering why and how, etc. For the BS to have a harder time dealing with it is very normal.

I wish you the best. Keep us posted.

Here is a link to a letter that explains why we need our questions asked better than I ever could. I had my H read it, and it seemed to help.

http://www.network54.com/Realm/HealingHeart/Josephletter.html

That was in a nutshell PERFECT. That is exactly the feelings I am trying to get to but didn't know how to say it, so I could get him to spill.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

ME