Hot Topic: Destined for Divorce?

Well, you sure have lots of company! My H told me he'd never file for divorce; I'd have to do so. This way he gets to be the victim. Except for a couple of times when I've had a death in my family, he has literally not touched me in eight years. Our younger child is a high school junior. I'm sticking around for her sake, for the time being. We haven't slept in the same bed for ten years, as I have restless leg syndrome. Then eight years ago, he had one of his gigantic blow-ups, told me he didn't think he loved me any more, and that's been it. We've been married for 30 years (and have a son who's graduated from college and on his own), and it's been a roller coaster. I've gone to counseling many times. I guess I'd call our situation an in-house separation.

He does not like to talk about the situation. Like you, I'm a talker. He has a lot of contempt for me. It's not good. Like your H, mine seems perfectly OK with things the way they are.

SO...the first couple of years were the hardest. I cried myself to sleep more nights than not. I did better when I was not around him, as his coldness was a constant slap in the face to me, so I took our daughter with me--roller skating, ice skating, to the movies, the library, even to my classroom (I'm a teacher.) so we could both "work on homework." Take your kids with you and get out as much as you need to. Go out with friends. Take long bubble baths. Keep busy.

I don't think you should tell your spouse how you feel: he's doubtless heard it before and somehow tunes it out...maybe denies his state of denial by viewing YOU as the "one with the problem." (As if talking things out is a problem!)I DO think it might help to ask him what he's getting out of the relationship. What keeps him in the marriage? You might get some interesting answers.

I always envy those women who say their husbands are their best friends. You and I are not in that situation, so do invest in your true friendships.

You should also start planning on how you can get ready to support yourself some day. It won't be too long before the kids are out of the house and on their own. Are you going to be content to stay with your H. when it's just the two of you? What would keep you in the marriage then?

I still have plenty of times when I think I can't handle the "marriage" (I'm not sure what a marriage is any more.) another day. I still have a constant sense of loss and anger and a lot of frustration. It's rough.

Bottom line: Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. You definitely do not deserve to live in that deep freeze.

Wow!
I feel like I am in the same boat, but I am only 32 AND we don't have any children! We have only been together for 8 years. I don't want to waste my life!!! We only have one to live! I am in an emotionless marriage with someone who doesn't respect me and honestly, I am no longer very fond of him as a person anyway.

So my big question - If any of you didn't have kids - would you leave?

I am planning to leave, but I doubt myself so often. Honestly I think it is just a fear of change and loneliness (although I can feel lonely with him right beside me anyhow!).

What would you do?