Hot Topic: Destined for Divorce?

hi...

well im writing here because i guess i just need advice.  ive been with my husband for 11 years (married for 8 years) and the only problem that i have with him is that he just doesnt help out.  we have three kids, one of whom is autistic, and i had been going to school (had all of the kids while i was in school)..i just graduated :)  we are very successful, and my husband is a smart guy when it comes to business and he is a laid back, nice guy.

i think we get caught up in a destructive cycle though....he doesnt help, i get upset, he says i nag...i then keep quiet, then he doesnt help again, then i get mad, etc, etc.  in the past i got annoyed because he didnt help, then he told me all i need to do is ask for his help and that hed help out, he just cant read my mind.  so, i began asking for help...now he hates that cuz he says that im a nag...haha!  for example, i do all the housework: vacuum, laundry (not his), dishes, cleaning bathrooms, floors, kitchen rooms, organizing everything, paying all the bills, remembering all the dr appts, going to school, managing our business and all the employees, getting the kids ready in the morning, and at night, making their lunches, brushing their teeth, bathing them, taking out the trash... i think you get the idea...i do a ton....id say that i do 95% of the house stuff.  for work id say its 50/50, we just play different roles with the business.

all i ask is for him to help.  pick up his own stuff, clean up after himself in the kitchen, or when he feeds the kids, clean up after them, just clean up the mess that you made!!  is that too much to ask.  he is soooooo used to me doing everything that i cant stand it anymore.  so in the morning i tell him, please feed them, i go get the kids their clothes, then im trying to get ready...i come down and he hasnt done anything, usually just sitting there watching tv for himself or went to the office to go on the computer.  so i ask again....i change them, etc....then i make their lunches, and then i usually have to ask again before he does it.  later on when we fight about his lack of help (he thinks he does too much) he says im a nag and bossy.  so then the next day i wont ask any thing, but its not like he will help if i dont say anything.  wtf?!  i cant win...  dont know what to do.  hes way too lazy and messy for me....just gets worse and worse.... i bet hes doing it on purpose actually...to make me 'nag' him...  i just dont know.... has anyone else experienced this too?

thanks for reading! :)

Oh man.  I'm not married yet so I'm not qualified to give advice, really.  I am about to get engaged and have been reading a lot about avoiding fights like these (money and splitting up chores being the biggest things couples fight over).  I'm pretty lazy and can be somewhat of a slob myself and will let other people do things if I can get around it.  I don't want to be that way with my husband.

At any rate, the recurring theme in these "newlywed" articles that I've been reading is that some couples actually write out or specifically agree on how chores/duties are going to be split - whether it be switching off week to week, day to day, or just always being responsible for one thing (i.e., he ALWAYS takes out the trash, you ALWAYS cook dinner).  When I first read these articles I was like "yeah, right.  My fiance and I will just each do our fair share."  But after reading your post, I think it will actually be a good idea and I have found out that a lot of couples do this.  Would your husband go for something like this?  Maybe he'd agree to giving the kids a bath every other day.  He does the dishes Monday, you do them Tuesday, etc., etc.  It might seem silly and there's always going to be times when you have to cover for each other's chores, but if it keeps a marriage from falling a part, then why not try it.  Sometimes you just have to put some structure to it.

hello!  thanks for your reply...

well all i ever asked for was that he cleaned up after himself and he cant do that!  haha...hes so disorganized, messy...its frustrating.  im ok with doing the laundry (not his), the vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, etc, etc.  but why cant he clean up after himself?  for example, he will make coffee, spill stuff all over the counter, leave it there for a day or two, then i end up cleaning it up along with all the sugar packets and other things he will leave out to get the coffee made.  thats just not fair....if i mention it, then he will say that he was about to, or that he cant do everything he only has two hands!  ahh!!  i dont see why you cant wipe off the spill and throw away your sugar packets, you are next to the trash..it would take like 5 seconds?  i do all the more involved cleaning....all i need is for him to do is the general clean up after yourself thing.  ugh.  well i did tell him that its his job to do the dishes awhile ago...he said fine...but both sides of the sink fill up and it becomes so stinky before he will do it.  and if someone comes over, then im rushing to clear it out because its embarrassing.  his side of the bathroom is so disgusting...but i dont care cuz its on his side and is on the complete other side of the bathroom.  its the common areas that i have a problem with.  all we are doing is fighting....because i am upset about this, and i think he does less and less to mess with me.  then he will say that he does too much!  when i mention what i do, then hell be sarcastic saying 'good, im glad you are finally helping out around here.'  hes trying to make me fight with him more, then turns it around on me that im mean and fighting with him.  blah!  can you believe that we will probably get a divorce only because of this?  crazy!

hey camommy77, I think its not a serious thing to get a divorce !!   I mean, these are small little things around the house that we could give and take.  Maybe talk things round. Focus on how you treat him before marriage and use that technique to get him to listen and do the things you want him to.

Probably my reply isn't that seasoned as I am a single but I think there is a lot of patience to get relationships work. Life before and after marriage are 2 different things altogether. There must be an adjustment and that is to do some give and take.

Best wishes