I can relate to so many of the posts on this board. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in my situation. I've come to the point in my life where I need to make some hard decisions. I've been married for 12 years and I just don't think I can keep this up anymore. While I do love H, it's more like the love for a brother or friend than for a mate/lover/husband. He is a good father and provider financially, but has never been emotionally supportive of me and shows absolutely no affection. I think he was looking for a "mother" to take care of him and the house and to have his kids. There were red flags all over the place before we got married yet I ignored them thinking things/he would change over time. Ya, right! I knew better and drove to my wedding with a sense of dread instead of excitement.
Well, I'd obviously do things different if I could do it over again, but here I am now. I'm physically and emotionally drained. I give to everybody else all the time yet nobody cares about me. Days will go by where H doesn't even say 2 words to me. It's not that he's mad or ignoring me on purpose, there's just absolutely nothing to talk about. I am starved for attention! I've told him that I've become like the couch, always there to use, sit on or sleep on but nobody notices it's there. He'd only notice if it wasn't there anymore. He drops everything to run over to a friend's house if they need help with something but won't do the same for me. He's never been supportive of me and often antagonizes whatever it is I want to do and is more interested in how much it will cost him instead of how it could impact my life. I gave up a career as a health care professional when we had kids because it was important to him for me to be home with the kids. We also move every few years with his career so my career prospects are pretty limited. I feel like I'm in this marriage alone because he's changed nothing in his lifestyle while I've had to change everything! Even when I was pregnant he couldn't find it within himself to help me out. I still had to change the litter box, do all the house work, buy and assemble all the baby gear, repaint baby furniture, etc. There are so many more examples but I think you get the point. I guess I thought marriage was more of a team effort. I have nothing else to give anymore.
Since the kids are in school now I've realized how empty my life has become. I've tried to find a new career path and had to jump through all sorts of hoops to start a program to get a teaching certificate. I think if I had some independant means of support the decsion to leave the marriage would be much easier. The easy thing to do would be to just stay and enjoy my life of leisure while hanging out at home and doing what I want. But, the thought of living the rest of my life without any love and support or any kind of affection (it's probably been 10+ years since we've kissed) just makes me sad. I see my friends' marriages and all the fun things they do together and how their husbands treat them and it makes me realize what I've been missing all these years. At this point, if a man showed any kind of attention to me I'd be very tempted to have an affair. Yes, I know that's the worse thing I could do but that's how I feel. I know H would be very much against separating and his first thoughts would be about how it will affect him financially. We've had a few discussions about "my" issues but nothing ever changes. Because it's my problem, not his. He's perfectly happy having me do everything for him so why would he want things to change.
I know this post probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense and that I come across as a major doormat. I have become much more vocal about my discontent over the past couple of years. Again, it's not his problem. If he can't fix it why am I bothering him with it? I've just become very resentful of him and have become somebody I really don't like anymore. At the moment, I'm desparately trying to find a job. We're due to move again next summer and I just can't stand the thought of moving again and buying a house, etc. while I feel the way I do. It would call for some major "faking it" on my part and I'm just not up for it. I don't wish any ill-will toward H, I just can't stand the thought of continuing this anymore. I feel like I'm living a lie. I want a chance to be happy and to find someone to SHARE my life with.
I guess I really don't have a question but would like some advice/thoughts. Part of me feels like I'm just being selfish while the other part wants to run away. Thanks for reading all of this.
Love 
