Married Without Romance

I have been married for 11 years. In the past three years, my husband has become distant. I cannot remember the last time we had sex. He prefers to sit in the livingroom and watch tv while drinking 16 oz cans of beer from the time he gets home from work until he goes to sleep. (He prefers to sleep on the couch). When he comes home early from work, he goes straight to the tv set (watches divorce court and other court shows) with his cans of beer. On the weekends, it's the same. We use to spend a couple of hours together on Saturdays but now he is not interested in doing that anymore. We have a roommate type of relationship with no romance to speak of.

When I bring up divorce, he suddenly wants to know why I feel like we should end the marriage. He is absolutely satisfied with our current situation. I am bored, dissatisfied and frustrated. I just do not know if there is anything to hold on to anymore.

Hello,

No offense, but this sounds like the typical scene sometimes pictured on TV.
Can you give more information? How old are you guys? Is he in good physical health? I imagine having that many beers doesn't help with one's fitness. Have you tried to push him towards doing some sports, rather than watching sports? How about telling him to make a move towards bed and initiating sex?

Hello,

Remember marriage is a two way street.  Him by himself does make the marriage a great relationship, it takes both you being happy in the relationship to decide weather its good.  If your not happy with it then there is something broken in the relationship.  If he's not giving you the attention that you desire in the relationship then he should not expect anything different than you wanting out of the relationship.  Although this would also entail him getting off the couch and having a deep conversation with you to find out what's wrong in the relationship if he hasn't bothered to take notice in a while.  If you want to fix the relationship he is going to have to get out of the front of the TV and communicate with you to work out the issues between the two of you.  If he's not willing to do that, then he's not leaving you much option other than to leave the relationship.

Hi lannmann,

Thanks for your response and no offense taken. We are both in our mid 40's and healthy. When we met, he was extremely active and heavily into playing sports. In the past three or four years, he has become complacent and uninterested in anything but beer and tv. I often try to get him to go out during the week and on the weekends. With all of my efforts, I wind up going out alone. Then he wonders where I have been. And sex, ha! Let's just say it has been a long while. I don't think he is having an affair but who knows.

Hi cl-djbootcamp,

The problem is, my husband is happy in his marriage. I say his because there is no sharing in our relationship. He does not see that there is a problem. He is satisfied where I am bored and frustrated. When I made a move towards leaving, he promised to take control of his consumption of alcohol. I heard this time and time again. To prove a point, I went along with it. I think his abstinence lasted for about two days. After that, he relasped back to his old habits. He does not think there is a problem. He is blind to the fact that his drinking is tearing us apart.