Married Without Romance

Hello :)

I'm not actually married but have been with my bf for almost 3 years. I've brought a child to the relationship who is now 5 and we have a child together who is 21 months. I'm also 5 months pregnant.

Basically we just have so many relationship issues that I don't even know what to do or if it's already too late but considering the children I don't want to end it...

So here's my story (I'll try to make it as short as possible). My bf and I met almost three years ago and we just hit it off. He seemed like such a sweet, honest, nice guy. Three months later I became pregnant with our son. I was happy about the baby because I was in love with my bf but as soon as I became pregnant he started acting crazy and threating so we broke up and didn't get back together until our son was a month old. I got back with him because he seemed to have changed and seemed committed to being there for us. I moved in with him 3 months later. We had issues almost immediately. As soon as I moved in he started treating my oldest son alot differently, to the point that he seemed frightened of him and he would constantly yell at him and completely override anything that I said so that my son started to lose respect for me.  He also seemed to think that he aquired a live in maid - even though we were both working - and expected me to do everthing. I am very against that as I watched my father treat my mother horribly and that was a part of it that I hated. But at that point I was still my sweet, naive, too afraid to speak up self.

Later he lost his job and then decided that he was going to have a one month vacation. Leaving me to up my hours and work massive overtime to pay for all the bills. One month turned into eleven. We constantly fought because he wouldn't let me spend any of the month that I made, he didn't do anything around the house so I had to do it when I got home from work or on my days off, wouldn't get up at night with the baby, if I was so tired I didn't hear him my bf would actually roll over and wake me up to get the baby even though I was the one who had to work the next day, gave me the children as soon as I walked in the door and wouldn't help me at all...so needless to say I was very overwhelmed and started to feel very resentful. I lost all respect for him. Meanwhile, he wants constant sex which I give him to "make him happy" and then later find out that he's looking at porno while I'm at work.

I also found out that everything that I liked about him was a lie. He was never a sweet, nice guy. I found out later on that he did alot of drugs which is why he started acting crazy while I was pregnant and that most of the time that he would come over when we first start dating he was on drugs. When I found out I was so angry. I would never have let him in my house and around my son had I know. He laughed and said I was naive when I told him that. I also found out after I moved in with him that he was dealing marijuana...which after alot of serious argueing ( I was not having that with my children) he finally gave up. Why I didn't leave him then I don't know.  He also just randomly lies about things so I do not have any trust in him whatsoever.

Ok, cut to the present - My bf now has a job so I am staying home with the kids, which is absolutely wonderful! I am very happy about that. I take good care of the kids. I make sure the house is clean and all the laundry is done - basically bf doesn't lift a finger in the house. Which means that now he mostly ignored the children. It drives me crazy!

But now when he walks in the door from work at night I just kinda cringe. He works 4 days on and 3 days off and I dread more than anything those three days and cannot wait, I get so excited, for those four days. He's going to be going to training in a week where he'll be gone 4 days and night a week and I'll only see him 2 days a week - and instead of feeling at all sad I feel like I'm getting dream vacation. I feel horrible about the way that I feel but I can't help it. I know what the time that he is there will be like - he'll ignore everything and everyone and play xbox or watch tv all day. Maybe yell at my kids for no reason or when he has no idea whats going on so I have to jump in and stand up for them (or him as it's always my oldest who gets picked on), or he'll grope me every chance he gets and doesn't understand when I say no and try to tell him he'd just be "lovey" with me and not try to constantly get some action. Plus we fight almost constantly over...everything. We're not even in the same room anymore. Mostly because he's a serious bed hog and will almost push me off the bed but also because I just don't want to be near him.

I don't know what to do. I tell myself that I love him...but honestly with the way that I feel I don't know how I can. I know most of the time I don't like him. We are not really compatible in any way. But still I don't want to lose the relationship. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm just sick or something to want to me miserable all the time.

Is relationship counseling something we should try? Any advise?

If you've gotten this far thank you so much for reading my long post and any advise is welcome. Sorry about the typos. TIA

Only you can decide what to do about the situation. Have you tried counseling before? Here are a couple of links that may help you:

Can this marriage be saved?

Relationships

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Hi rainsm,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You could try counseling if you want. I dont know your bf but it seems he wouldn't be willing to do it. If it were me I would definitely try and find a way to be without him. I know you said you dont want to end the relationship but it seems that all you are getting from it is heartache and frustration.

My husband and I have seperated because we werent happy in the marriage. We seem to make better friends. The only way your relationship can work is if you and him both work on it. One partner cant make it work, both must be willing. You seem willing but your bf seems to be fine with the way things are. Who wants to be with someone that you would rather be working than to be off and at home with you, I wouldnt. I know you want a father for the kids. But if he doesnt spend quality time with them and picks on your oldest, what kind of father figure is he. One good parent is better then one good one and a crappy one. The kids can see what kind of person he is. You saw it growing up and so did I. My dad was no good. You and your children deserve better.

The decision is yours. I hope whatever you decide that it works out for you. You and the your children's happiness must come first.

Hugs

Hi rainsm,

I see in your post that you still love him and mention many negative things about the relationship but, beyond the love for him, can you name three things positive about the relationship that make the relationship worth saving and worth the damage mental and/or physical that it being inflicted on you kids, not to mention the damage that your dealing with currently?  Is only the love that you have for him worth that?  If you can come up with enough positive things about the relationship to make it worth saving and ensure that no damage is being inflicted on the kids any longer again mental or physical, then by all means save the relationship!  Counseling could work but results are slow and both of you have to be patient with it, from what you have mentioned here your spouse doesn't sound like a very patient person and would want results quick, unless both of you come to terms that there is a problem and are very willing and open to discuss the issue(s), counseling will be a long process.