Married Without Romance

hello all,
this is my first time I write on this board.
after 18 years of marriage i feel like I live with my business partner.he is a great man, I think he is perfect for me occasionally or maybe that what i programmed my self to think all these years to keep the marriage going. he is a total opposite of me which make things work out perfectly for us some times and it makes me feel like hell most of the time. I love him but i am not in love with him anymore, I cannot be me with him i cannot share my thoughts with him with out getting criticized. I think my marriage is missing a lot not sure exactly what, i get so confused and i feel guilty at times for feeling this way. I feel so lonely even when he is with me. we got married young i was 21 and he was 26 had no idea what we were getting our selves into. he loves me i have no doubt about that just not the type of love i need.

we had all sort of problems from the beginning money was an issues and his family was and still is the biggest problems we have. we have a lot of stress in our lives, our daughter who is 12 you had 17 surgery so far her last one was a week ago. of course her medical condition puts a lot of stress on me and my H. she is the light of our lives, and we have a wonderful son who is 13.
our sex life is ok is not what i want but it is bad either. I stopped looking for solutions to my marriage problems but i get so depressed and sad. i thought of leaving many times but it is getting harder as the kids grow older. i had an affair few years ago it was a long distance relationship my husband does not know about it.I felt so guilty most of the time during the affair i never felt it was right or the solution to my problems.

I am not sure why i m writing all of this here, i guess i am desperate for change yet hopeless.

life is too short to spend it unhappy, i just graduated with BS in mathematics statistics working on my teaching certificate right now. God, kids and work keeps me going those three make my life worth living.

thanks for reading my venting post!!

I got married young too and had many problems with my husband's family. Then our son was diagnosed with autism. I understand it could feel frustrating to want to love this person and feel loved, but there are so many issues and you must stand your ground and your respect. Life is so stressful, and you want to come home and be loved by your husband and I wanted energy from him, attention, enthusiasm, friendship. I remember behaving like a child sometimes when we would argue about his family. I tried something that really turned us around. A skill taught through a marriage education class. If your in the Orange County area you could try it out and then see if that doesn't work, then you know you really want out. Visit www.USrelationships.org. That's the best to see where you really are and get where you want to be, life IS too short to be unhappy!

I wish you the best!

"I remember behaving like a child sometimes when we would argue about his family."

that is how i feel when i complain about his parents, thank u for ur post it is nice to know there are people out there who had the same problem and gotten passed it. i will check the link out

hugs

Good morning djbootcamp,

I cannot agree with you more. the thing is we been through a lot some of it bad and some was good. I do not remember the past, recently something happened and triggered all these sad memories.

his mom insulted me in my house in front of my friends. for the first time after 18 years i stood up for my self and i asked her to leave my house. he was not around when she started yelling at me and he did not say anything to her afterward. the next day we had a party his mom was there, he kissed/hugged her and later he blew her few kisses while he was sitting next to me. i m not sure how to feel about it, i m just hurt!!! I did talk to him about it and explained to him that it hurt me when he treats his mom as if she did nothing wrong toward me. i m not asking him to hate his mom all i m asking him is to make her understand that by hurting me she is actually hurting him. his actions make me feel he does not love me strong enough to stand up for me.

yesterday i worked as a substitute teacher at one of the schools, i came home so tired from dealing with new students every period it takes a tole on me. my husband invited the wife of one our friend over with her four year son. her husband is out of town, of course i had to do most of the entertaining. i was so tired i asked him not to invite people before he asks me, his response was "you do not either" i said when was the last time i did invite anyone. maybe he is right maybe i do invite people over once in a blue moon, but his response was so defensive. this is just one example of his defensive attitude, he hates it when he makes mistakes it is hard for him to say "sorry". but I am not the type who takes advantage of it, i just want him to be aware of what ever makes me unhappy and i do it as gentle as i can. i m not perfect i keep working on me to make life better for everyone, i feel really bad when i do something he is not happy with.
I am just tired, like i said my daughter just had surgery couple of weeks ago. i have little tolerance for his defensive attitude, i just do not feel his love that is the problem i just feel he is a very selfish person with me. not sure if i can change him i do not want to change him i want his love for me to be strong enough to change him and make him feel me.

i m going to keep working on things to change not sure what other choice do i have now. my kids love their dad i love him too. i just cannot understand his love for me when he cares about his feelings more than mine. i want balance i do not want him to be one of those weak husbands. i guess i m looking for fifty fifty relationship give and take kind of attitude.

you are right though about the walls which been built over the years from resentments and hurt
thank you so much for your reply.

hugs