How do I move on from my husband's past EA? I found out about it all a little over 3 years ago. I have no idea how long it went on, if it was just and EA, or if there was also a PA, and I have a feeling this was not the only time this has all happened. Its just the only time that I'd caught him. (We've been married for 14 years this year.)
Now, here we are 3 years later, and I'm still not over it. I still wonder if it was something that I did, even though I know it was not my fault. I still winder if I'm good enough for him, even though I know and have been told that I'm very attractive. I still wonder if he is happy with me, or if he ever will be.
Over the past 3 years, he has also gained 30 lbs. It seems to me that he is depressed, but, again, I'm not sure how that would be my fault.
I've stayed in the marriage because it's "safe" and we have 3 kids, the oldest having been born with special needs, ages 5-11 (youngest was 2 1/2 on DDay), but honestly, I'm not really physically attracted to him anymore.
To make matters worse, his dad just passed away a week ago after a 2 yr battle with cancer.
I just want to know how to move past all of it, to feel like I could or want to love him again. Or, have I passed that point?
What is the process that we all have to do when we have bitterness, anger or resentment towards someone in order to put it behind us? What is the process that we all have to do when we hold ourselves accountable or blame ourselves for something and don't want to let it go?
If your holding anger, bitterness or resentment towards your spouse, these feelings block love. In other words you build a wall around your self so that he can't hurt you anymore at the same time he can't love you and you can't feel love from him either because the wall prevents that as well.
Both questions have the same answer. True forgiveness....
To a certain extent, I can see how it all happened. Every day life with both parents working full time and three young children is not easy, esp. when one of the children has a developmental delay and requires extra time, assistance, and attention.
But to seek attention and solace outside of the marriage, especially with someone your spouse/significant other considered to be a good friend? I mean, I should have seen it, and saw some warning signs that it was potentially also a PA (wrestling on the living room floor in my house, with her H and myself present, same type of thing at the beach when we'd all go on group outings, etc.), but both parties adamantly denied all of that.
Maybe its that my self-esteem has been at an all time low since then, and I've been in a very long period of discovering what might make me truly happy...and denying that maybe he's not, or wasn't, the person I thought he was when we got married.
In addition to all of this, I've also noticed that he tries to act like he's the dad of the year, which annoys the daylights out of me. Coaching every sport the kids are involved in...being the supportive hubby in public. But then, at home, sometimes will make snide comments that hurt and offend, and tries to play it off as though he's just kidding. Last night, I'd had enough, so I shot him a look and said, "that's enough--why are you so mean to me?" Teasing can be fine once in a while, but to say that I don't actually work when I'm at my job (when he's not there with me to see what I do all day) or to insinuate that I'm stupid or to otherwise belittle me--especially in front of our children--I'm not okay with that.
So tell me, do I go and look at individual counseling to figure it all out? Or is there another way to get through it all?
Get ready this is going to be long, this depends on the individual. If you don't know what true forgiveness is and many people don't know this answer and if they do may still have a hard time getting through to the root of the issue to move past it. I will explain below but it sounds to me you need to first forgive your husband and second, yourself. This is a big dose of counseling and can take many sessions to get to this point. Regardless of who you need to forgive the technics are the same.
The first time forgiving is the hardest, just as you made the decision to not forgive and harbor feelings of anger, bitterness and resentment towards your husband you now work through the pain that he caused you and choose to forgive. Because of not letting go of all the anger, bitterness, resentment and pain that have built up for years is now all bottled up in side and needing to be let out. Who is forgiveness for in your case, him or you? The answer is you, when you forgive, it free's you, not the person you are forgiving. Is it going to make any difference to him that you forgave him, probably not. What will it do for you to break down those walls that have been built and forgive him for all that he's done to you? What kind of person will you be if those walls are no longer present and you allow that empty hole to be filled with unconditional love from everyone around you, you don't want to drag the baggage from this relationship into your next one. Maybe you could feel a love from him that you haven't felt in years or make the relationship better than its ever been. Understand to that you are not saying that he's right or you are forced to stay with your husband. All I'm saying is who could you be if you didn't harbor those feelings of unforgiveness and keep those walls up to protect you from the hurt and pain that your husband has caused you, remember those same walls will not allow you to feel unconditional love this is why you feel so empty and are not attracted to him right now. How many times do you have to forgive him? As many as it takes and/or every time those feelings come up, the more you do it the easier it becomes. Do you have to forget what he's done? No, our minds are not programmed that way. Does your husband have to apologize or be sorry? No. And the biggest one of all, who has control when you don't forgive that person? They do or in this case your husband does. We like to think by not forgiving them we are in control but by harboring those feelings of unforgiveness that they caused you, they control how you feel and respond which in most cases effects relationships not just with your spouse in your case but with everyone you have contact with. They feel and sense what you are feeling this includes your kids.
Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to forgive. Letting yourself off the hook for something you continue to hold yourself accountable for is rough. Just as you made the decision not to forgive and hold on to the feelings of anger, bitterness and resentment you can choose to forgive and let yourself off the hook. You can't set and dwell on this forever as you stop growing as a person and this is also effecting your relationships.
You say that you know it's not your fault, yet you still worry that it is. That isn't knowing it! If you had issues in your marriage, that was for the two of you to work through together - not for him to try and work out with someone else. You need to stop feeling guilt and start taking charge. You can't control what he does - you can only control what you do, and what you are doing right now does not seem to be getting you the results that you want. Maybe it is too late, but it doesn't sound like you're ready to throw in the towel just yet. So, why not trying something new? If you've kept things to yourself, speak up. If you've tip-toed around him, stop. Try whatever you're willing to try to make things better - it is so hard to do it all alone. (I know, I'm living it). If you ultimately decide that there is nothing left to salvage, please be prepared! Getting divorced is much harder than you can even imagine, so please plan ahead before you walk out the door. Good luck. You can find some great advice at www.lifesdirtylittlesecrets.com.
Love 
