Hi, I already posted this under another post but here is my story
I've been on ivillage for awhile but I'm new this board. I can relate to you and so many others on this board. I've been with H for almost 9 years married for 6 years. We both were in church together and thought we should be together. In the church we attented things were so restricted but we were trying to live right. At first when we were dating he was affectionate to some extent, it's really hard to remeber. Then before we got married he started being less affectionate because he said he wanted to do the right thing and wait for us to be married before having sex. Mind you neither one of us were virgins but we were trying to do things right thing this time.
But he got to the point where he wouldnt kiss me passionately or anything. . I told him how I felt and was almost ready to break up over this because I was getting no affection at all. But I stuck it through. He finally asked me to marry him and even though I wasnt that ecstatic at that point I said yes. (Not too smart I guess) I figured once we were married, i would get all the love and affection i desired. Boy was I wrong. We were close but we were just like best friends, not H and W. I didnt realize that at the time b/c we were so active in our congregation. We were to busy to see the issues.
I know we had some issues arise when my family had to move in with us and then he really got distant. We eventually left the congregation we were in for various reasons and begin to find ourselves again but not in the sexual way. We were becoming individuals again. We went 2 years without sex at one point. That's just nonsense right there.
I tried talking to my H. I remember him telling me one time that the marriage was a joke. I was hurt. I asked him one time why he didnt show me attention and he said it was kind of like what was the point. You get married and it's like now what. I couldnt believe he said that. I think there was some resentment on his end towards me b/c my family was living with us. But why treat me this way. I was good to him.
We finally had our place to ourselves and things got worse. He was always going out with his friend. TV was more important, working out was more important. Everything that he had a desire to do or had a passion for became more important than his wife. I talked to him many times about it. He says I'm needy and want to much attention. he would barely kiss me. He didnt have time to talk because he always had something else he wanted to do. Dont get me wrong he is a decent guy. I know his parents and how he was raised has alot to do with it but I still deserve to be treated with love and respect. One time I was laying on him and he said it was to overwhelming and he basically felt smothered.
At one point he mentioned counselling but by then I had no desire to work things out. This is hard for me because I've been taught that divorce is not good. But what if you werent supposed to get married in the first place. What if you married the wrong person? We mutually seperated a few months ago. At first he was fine with it and now he wants us to be able to get back together down the line especially since he knows I am talking to someone. That's another story. Sometimes I feel so guilty. Wondering if I did enough or maybe I should just get back with him. I feel guilty for losing the desire to want to be with him. this is so hard. I know God doesnt intend for us to be miserable in our marriages.
I just cant see being with him now. We make better friends than anything. I have so much more to say but dont know how to continue. If anyone has questions feel free to ask.
I don't have many questions, but I do have to say that in reading your post, I see myself. While our relationship is a bit different, I can say that on my wedding day I sort of knew I shouldn't be doing it. I thought and chalked it up to cold feet. My wedding day was a lonely day for me. Shouldn't all brides be happy on that day. A couple of things happened on that day too that seemed to point to what now is becoming the demise of this relationship I am in. We have been married for 15 years and together for 19. We have 3 kids between the ages of 13 and 7. I have finally given up in trying. There are days that I feel like I have lost myself in all of this.
I honestly feel for you and for myself. I would have to say that while you feel guilty about not having done enough as you say, in your post it sounds like you have tried. I would say to ask yourself, what has he done to show that he has changed. That things will be different if you go back to him? I and my H are from church, but we have also distanced ourselves from church, not God though and I agree I don't hink God's intention was for people to miserable in their relationships. My H is a decent guy, just not willing to meet my needs or at least do it as minimal as possible. I think your H is feeling the pang of jealousy at knowing that he might truly be losing you to someone who might give you all that you have been looking for. Look into yourself and see what you want, it can be confusing I know. I live with that every day. I know that I will leave when I am ready but in the meantime it can be very confusing, I wonder why I haven't done more, and then I talk to a friend who tells me hey, you have been working on this for a long time. Sometimes perspective is hard to come by.
Without rambling on it sounds to me that you have done a lot. You have voiced your feelings to him, tried and....nothing. Be good and kind to yourself. You deserve to be loved in the way that you want to. And maybe this new gentleman might be the one, maybe not. I think you can find what you are looking for. You know what you want and should definitely not settle for any less.
Keep your head up. There are a lot of us out there who know how you feel.
Thank you very much for your response. I guess another things that makes it hard is that me and my H are still good friends and we hang out. But I just dont have those feelings really anymore. I do still love him but more like a best friend.
It also sounds like you have tried as far as your situation goes. You've given so much time to your marriage. I'm hoping and believing that both you and I will find the love and happiness that we deserve. I know that God does want that for us.
What keeps you in your marriage? Does your H feel that the marriage is fine?
Hang in there. I know I'm trying to do just that. Anytime you need to talk, I'm here to listen. Thanks again :)
Myself, I'm pro marriage and Christian too, but if divorce wasn't an option 55% of the population in the US wouldn't be getting divorced, its just that religious organizations frown upon people that get divorced still to this day. I here stories all time about how a church leader (no any one particular belief system, I heard it from all different ones) asked someone not to come back to that church because of them getting divorced, its not the image that they want to portray. Keep in mind, its not about them its about your personal relationship with God (if you have a Christian belief system), its not about the people in that church or religious organization. You can always go somewhere else.
Based on your post, it sounds to me that both you and him have some bitterness and resentment towards each other from the word go. When you have that type of damage happening and growing in the relationship its nothing more than a poison. The more poison you add, the more it damages or kills the relationship. When this poison is present in the relationship, love becomes stagnant and can not flourish and grow and becomes less and less present. The idea here is first to get the poison out of the relationship and second to work on growing the love between the two of you once again. True forgiveness is the way to remove the poison from the relationship and allow the love to grow. This process can not start without forgivess.
Now if your wanting to move on into a new relationship, your still going to have to put the old one behind you by forgiving your spouse and not look back and think about the "what if I" stuff. All this will do is cause issues in your new relationship, you don't want to drag your past damages into your new relationship. This is how you put it behind you and look to the future.
I am actually looking to get out. I think by now he knows things are not well and he understands that I want out. We have had conversations and marital counseling. At first I was really angry because I felt I had been cheated of what was supposed to be a good life, with its ups and downs but never not being together. I put in all I had and now I have none left to give to this situation. I am more willing to put work into something new. I can't keep feeling like I will never be good enough. This is not what I want my children to see marriage as being. I cannot change him I can only change myself. The me that I have become goes in dire contrast to what he wants. He says that there is always faith and hope and I agree, but I don't agree that I should hold on forever to that thought. Hope springs eternal I know, I have waited for a long time and hoped for a long time, and yet 20 years later still nothing or very little. I feel like a fool for having waited so long, for even having had three kids (don't misunderstand me, I love my children, but it hurts to know what they will go through). H is a great dad, and we are good friends. Like you we can hang out together although there is sometimes that feeling of walking on eggshells, but overall we can hang out and enjoy ourselves. I feel pretty hurt. But someone today told me something very interesting and that is sometimes we are asking an apple to be an orange. I thought hmm, maybe that is what is going on. H is a great guy, but just not for me. I believe that there is someone out ther who will suit his needs. He wants and needs a traditional woman (although he says no, but the things he admires are those qualities found in a traditional woman) I am nowhere near a traditional woman, nor do I want to be. I do not feel there is anything wrong with traditional woman especially if it makes them happy. I found that role for me to be a bad fit and a bit stifling. I believe in love, romance, hard work but when the fit is right the hard work seems like a day spent in the sun because you are doing it with someone you love so the load is easier, I haven't felt that, even though I know for a fact that it is out there. I tried creating it at home, no man or woman is perfect I know that but the perfect person for me is. I just don't want my soul to wither and my spirit to die.
I hope good things for you. I am here not in case you need to vent but for anything you might want to vent about. If you want to Personal message me my email is rsrdrgz8@gmail.com. I will get back to you as soon as I can. What do you think has kept you there up until now other than the friendship?
Love 
