Pornography & Your Relationship

I'm just a bit confused about why my boyfriend jerks off to more porn then we have sex.  Been together for about 3 years and I know he was a heavy porn user and completely accepted that as I get off on it too but recently its been the cases were I am constantly being shut down every time I try and initiate sex its a story of "I'm too tired, I'm too full, I'm too..." so I'm left hanging but every time I leave the house, go to bed early or he's just off work for the day and I'm not he is always on porn sites...so I don't get why he never is too tired to jerk off but when it comes to having sex with me every excuse from the book comes out:-(  is it me? we had the discussion this morning a bit b/c I have been neglected for two days and mentioned how I was really raring to go yesterday but he never initiated nor got the BIG hints I was putting out so I said its a 'two way street' he said he'd never go down the street if he didn't want to go for a "drive" so it really hurts to know he'd rather go for a "drive" alone then with me.  is this unsual? or in most cases men would prefer to take care of business alone then with their partner?

Any ideas on how I should approach this??  I just don't want my sex life to dwiddle down to nothing as its getting down to just the routine.

Has anything changed? Work? Family?

He was a "heavy" porn user? Did you think it would just change now that there was a relationship, or once you moved in together?

Maybe he said it would change. Does he says things that might feel overdone, or are his answers (to normal type questions) always believable?

Are the any unresolved issues? Any fights?

2 days? That's not very long. Have you been doing it every day for 3 years?

What are the "hints" you give? Looking suggestively, or more to the point. Like "let's have sex" or rub your hand on his bits?

What do you mean about two way street? I don't understand this part ... I said its a 'two way street' he said he'd never go down the street if he didn't want to go for a "drive"

Does he talk openly about sex? Not in a haha jokey way with the boys. But with you, do you know which actresses he finds attractive, which acts he likes, have you ever traded tips with each other? Did you or he ever try to give a hint & the other took it badly? Was there judgment?

Will he watch porn with you? Or is it secretive & not for you?

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Is it possible he has a low sex drive? Since men are seen as "the sexual ones" & women are the "homemakers." It's less likely that men will admit to it. It is possible he's trying to compensate for a low libido, by saying see I like it, I watch all this porn.

It could be any number of things. Low drive. Insecurity with his performance. He could feel he can't express what he wants to you. Or you want more than he can give. Or lack of skillfull knowledge.

Have you ever put down his skills, or asked him to hurry up, or an such thing? Did he ever ask for something & you said eww no way?

Did you or he put on any weight?

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If you could give any more answers to this laundry list of questions, we can go in a better direction. It's all just guessing until then.

no matter how much sex a couple has or wants, NORMALLY the frequency will go down a bit the longer the couple is together.  Not saying its a given, not saying it has to be that way, but usually the amount of sex you have the first two years is the high peak.  It could be that he is simply settling into the new norm for him and going back to a little more porn.   The newness of the relationship is over and while he still wants sex with you, its not nearly as much as he was having in the beginning.

So, are you bothered by the porn or just that you think its interfering with your sex life?  I think some people, men and women, seperate porn from sex.  There are times that people view it not as a replacement for sex with a partner but as something completely different.  I dont know if thats the case with him, but maybe he was never meant to have sex five times a day, or even every day.  Maybe the constant of you being there living with him, moves you into the routine of life and that has made him want less sex.  It doesnt mean he wants you less, just that sex isnt as much of a priority.   It sounds like the frequency the two of you have been having is beyond the norm.  (in a good way!) but I just dont think its something sustainable year after year and if he is including porn, that has to take away from his recuperative time.  Its possible that he cant physically get it up again after porn, some men can only dream of five times a day!  Its possible he is pushing you away because he cant do it. 

If you need sex five times a day, your chances of finding that long term are pretty low.  So you need to figure out what your realistic want/need is.  You need to talk to him about it and see if he is willing to try no porn to see if that brings it up a bit, but honestly I think you wanting it to be like it was at the beginning is pretty much impossible.