Pornography & Your Relationship

How do you know he's still using porn? How do you know the frequency of his porn use?

When he knows that you know about his porn use, what does he say? Is he remorseful and does he promise to leave it alone, or does he tell you he wants to continue looking at porn despite it hurting you? How does he explain the contradiction between his actions and his verbal commitments to you and others?

If you didn't know about his porn use, what would the negative impact to your relationship be? You say he wants sex three times a day...does that mean there is no negative impact on your sex life? Is it just the amount of time he makes himself available for the family that would bother you if you didn't know he used porn? Have you tried focusing on that instead of on the porn? How much time each day would be an acceptable direct contribution of his time to the family (as opposed to indirect contributions of time spent working to support his family and volunteer work to support the community that supports his family)?

The negative impact of this would be that it would ultimately end our marriage because naturally, His image of sex will become distorted.

Have you seen any evidence of this distortion yet?

There's definately an impact on our sex life. I tend to be guarded and self consious and not want it as much.

Is this not an impact of you knowing about his porn use? If you didn't know about his porn use, what would the impact be? What makes you certain that you would want sex more if he didn't use porn?

He wants it more because I'm like an object.

Has he said that, or is that your interpretation based on knowing he is using porn?

No, it's not just the lack of family time, porn is not my focus but it's impossible to ignore that he's doing it...

If he knows you don't like it and that it's ruining his family life and that he has promised not to use it and therefore the expectation is present, why does he allow you to know about it?

...an acceptable amount of time would be exactly what the counselor suggested... 1 hr a day on the computer and the rest with us.

So he's not allowed to have any personal time to read or spend time with friends? Is all his computer-use recreational or does he also use it to improve his career, manage family business and finances, correspond with extended family members, plan family travel, etc.? Why one hour and not less or more?

Ultimately, are you ready to leave him and deprive your child of a father and go without the good things he offers you and the family if he doesn't stop using porn?

What are the reasons he uses porn at all?

If he is addicted then his use needs to be zero, because the whole idea behind the word addiction is that he cannot control himself with it.  If he is truly addicted he cant just stop or watch it casually.  There is a huge difference between not being able to stop and not wanting to. So be careful on how you use the word.

You cant change him, you cant make him quit.  If he cant or wont get help, you need to help yourself independent of him. If you continue the cycle of getting mad but not removing yourself from the situation, nothing is going to change.  right now he has no consequences other than you being mad.  You need to figure out what you can tolerate and what you cannot. Draw the line in the sand. Right now he does it, you get mad, you get over it (in his mind) and he probably envisions you slowly just accepting it and  being quiet about it.  He watches it and you are still there the next day, so he is right.   You need to figure out you first.  If you cannot accept his current level of porn, then you need to tell him its you or it, AND MEAN IT!   If he continues to watch it, you need to realize he is choosing it over you.  

You need to talk to him and be honest about what will happen if he continues.  dont make threats you dont intend to carry out.  If you dont have the means to leave him or the want to leave him over this, dont say you will.  You have to be at a point where you know your own mind before you force anything.  continue the counseling, continue to seek help, even if its on your own or he wont go.