Hot Topic: Sex & Spirituality

I've been married almost 40 years-two grown children.  I consider myself a Christian.  My husband has not had sex with me for over 16 years.  Prior to that is was seldom, maybe 1/2 dozen times a year.  It was by his choice as I have always loved sex.

In desperation,  almost 15 years ago, I became involved with a married man whose situation was quite similiar.  We took care of each others sexual needs but neither ever wanted a divorce from their spouses.

Except for the total lack of sex my husband and I get along reasonable well and neither have any interest in a divorce.  Even prior to the start of my affair he had serious ED problems but has refused, and still refuses, to see a dr., try Viagra, etc.  He absolutely refuses any kind of counseling.  He is a porn addict, always has been, although I did not know this before the marriage.

Six months ago the guilt caught up with me and I ended the affair but had a talk with my husband, asking him to see a dr. try Viagra and that I did not want to live as brother and sister.  He said ok but virtually nothing has happened.  I still do not want a divorce but the total lack of sex is catching up with me.

Has God decided to punish me and make me go the rest of my life with no sex?  Other than a divorce is there no middle ground?  I am thinking about starting up the affair again but am afraid of the guilt that will go with it.  I cannot even get my husband to attempt to satisfy me with his hands, mouth, sex toys, etc.  so its either the affair or divorce.  I'm looking for a choice other than divorce that will satify my sex needs and will not kill me with that awful guilt.  Why is it so wrong to enjoy sex?

I'm no expert on God but it seems like you went a year without sex (and a year WITH this problem, PLUS you were already having sex very infrequently before it stopped completely). So if God is "punishing" you, it seems like your punishment started before you even committed the "crime", no? How loving of a God would THAT be? If God is loving and just, I don't think you are being punished for taking care of your needs with another man, especially when your husband continuously refused. I agree with the poster that suggested the option of an open marriage.

Good luck, whatever you decide. :)

 

An "open marriage" may be an alternative for me but I don't know how to go about this.  No sex for over 15 years but a long term affair and he never asked anything, never checked up on me, etc.  I cannot help but thinking he knew I was getting my needs taken care of and even though there was no conversation about this allowed/accepted the situation.  It that possible?

He appears to be perfectly satisfied taking care of his needs with porn and, probably, some masturbation.

Do I, maybe, have unspoken permission to satisfy my needs with someone else?  I'm scared to death to bring this out in the open in a conversation.  If I am wrong it would hurt him deeply.  Maybe he just does not want to know.  If I ask and confirm an affair, even if he says yes, it would hurt him.  If he calls my bluff then it is celibacy for life or a divorce. 

If God is so understanding and benevolent why does he put me in this situation?