My SO & I have been together for 6 years & have been living together for 3 of them. I have been wanting to get married for the last 3 & he not only refuses but will hear nothing of it. I wouldn't care so much except that I have a little girl & I hate the bad example I am setting for her. Anyway, I always knew he had some issues, lied a little too much too often, a little manipulative, very good at making it all seem like my fault no matter what the fight was about, even if it was clearly his fault. What I didn't realize is that I think he may be a complete sociopath - not psychopath, nothing murderous about him or anything, but very little conscience, rarely feeling guilt, has hurt people his entire life, ruined many lives, lies constantly (mostly not about important issues, but the point is he can't stand telling the truth)...
I love him very much, but if & when we argue it gets ugly. He always wants to just walk out of the door whether it is 2: in the afternoon or 2: in the morning. I typically do not want him to go, esp. in the middle of the night. I want to talk about it, he never does. I try to keep him from leaving, literally, by blocking the door, stealing his keys, you name it. I realize it is a problem on my part. But he doesn't act much better, threatening to hurt me, knock me out, whatever if I don't let him go. Stupid as I am & typically this only happens after a night of drinking, his threats don't stop me. Usually we both end up slightly hurt. Whether he ends up leaving or not in the end, the next day when he is finally ready to talk, on his terms, of course, it is all my fault no matter what. I am nuts, I need to be institutionalized, it is all me, he has never had this problem w/ anyone else (although he has been divorced twice w/ several ex long time girlfriends). I have a feeling if I asked their opinion they'd have something different to say. BTW, my daughter is never around during any fighting, neither of us would ever do that, not even any harsh words in front of her.
To make it worse, he has this one x who I can't stand. She & I had numerous confrontations a long time ago. She'd say awful things to & about me. She tried to continue to see him for years. He still talks to her, emails her, probably sees her once in a while too. He doesn't have anything physical going on w/ her, I am certain of that, but it seems to me he should have enough respect for me to just never speak to her again. She is not a nice person, used to actually call me names to him & make fun of me to him in emails.
After the fight the other night he said he is moving out. I know I should want this & feel blessed, but I don't & find myself begging him to stay. He says we can continue to date after he moves out, but I will not want that. It is like being married, getting divorced & then continuing to see eachother. It makes no sense to me. If he wants to move out then it's over. Again, the sensible part of me is saying good riddens but my extreme fear of abandonment is begging him to stay.
I have a feeling I am not going to like anyone's suggestions, but I know I need to hear them, so bring them on...helpjenny..
Your situation sounds all too familiar to me. I lived with my ex for about 8 years and then got married-- divorced 2 years later. My ex certainly sounds the same as your BF. Sociopath is the textbook definition of how mine was. It was scary. He would lie so much I think he started to think it was true, would go behind my back and have emotional affairs (maybe physical, too), talk to/flirt with women, blame me for everything that went wrong in the relationship, make me think I was going insane, manipulate me, and of course threaten to leave.
The threatening to leave seemed to be a constant thing that would loom over the relationship, especially if we fought. Same as yours, it wouldn't matter what time of day/nite it was, mine would often storm out with the possibility of not coming back. I would beg and plead for him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong, he would refuse. I offered him time to cool off a half hour or whatever and then talk, still no, and he would often try to head for the door. In many cases I would try to block the door or hallway, etc. in the hopes of having him talk to me or at least not leave, but that would cause more issues (threatening to "move" me if I didn't let him go, and would sometimes get a little physical).
I'm not sure exactly how you feel towards your BF, but in my case the lying got to be too much and I doubted almost everything he said. I came to resent him in many ways, and at the same time thought I still loved him. I realize now that was not love, it was fear. I was scared of the unknown/life without him and didn't know if I could make it on my own. Eventually I started to see the light and had a couple of supportive friends. I moved out to see if we could get things to work, and that only gave him more freedom to be the liar and snake he is and go behind me (for the final time) and physically cheat on me with a mutual friend. When I found that out I decided I was done and requested a divorce.
That was the best decision ever. Believe me, the whole process (years) leading up to that was very difficult and heart wrenching at times. I fought with him, I fought with myself, but in my heart I knew staying with him wasn't the answer. I resented him, had no trust in him, and we got to the point where we basically lived as roommates. All the passion was gone for years, the trust too, but I think I kept holding on because as awful/miserable as I was with him at times it was familiar/comfortable.
It's been over a year since I moved out and have been on my own. It was one of the hardest yet best decisions I have ever made. At first it was hard, but it has gotten easier and easier and I do not miss him at all. My life is much happier and enjoyable without him in it.
I completely sympathize with your fear of abandonment, but you will be able to get past it. Spend time with your friends, your daughter, find a a new hobby, take a class, chat online even. Just try to fill up that "extra" time with something. That fear seems crippling, but it does get better...and better and better. After living with that constant fear of abandonment for years, when it does happen its bad. But, once it happens its not constantly hanging over your head anymore either. You learn to move on. I spent a lot of time crying, but then I got to doing things for myself and realized its not so bad. I also realized that I wasn't so "crazy" like my ex loved to tell me. I realized I'm a pretty good person who was only told I was crazy, etc. because of his own lies. I have had mutual friends tell me things he said about me (lies) or things he was up to without my knowing, and that knowledge is eye-opening. Tells me how ridiculously insecure and generally flawed as a person he really is.
I honestly think you would be better off letting him go and breaking contact with him. From my experience, it's only when its totally catastrophic and in the 11th hour will they claim they are going to change their behavior. Sometimes they do, but it only last a week, a month, it's not permanent or sincere.
I think you will ultimately be happier letting him go even if it is hard now. Just think, if you let him go you won't have to worry about constantly being abandoned, manipulated, or feel that you have to question everything.
You are so right, I know you are, in so many ways. Yes, I should break it off, yes I'd be better off w/o him, & yes our situations seem eerily similar, though I'm sure there are many, many more out there just like ours. Thanks so much for your sincere & helpful response.
One thing I thought ironic is your comment about how they say in the 111th hour they'll change, but it never lasts, etc. He has actually NEVER offered to change, it is take it or leave it w/ him, not that he thinks there is anything wrong w/ him. He does admit that he is a difficult person to be involved w/, that he is not very affectionate, sometimes moody, etc., but as far as any problems we have, any arguments, they are ALL my fault, and, therefore I am the only one who needs to change. Even if he did think he had "a flaw" he would never offer to change.
Anyway, unfortunately I can't leave, because it is my house. I never offered or asked for him to move in w/ us it just kind of happened by accident. As a matter of fact, I am a firm believer in NEVER living w/ someone w/o being married to them. I did that once before & feel it is a recipe for disaster. When you are not married to someone & you have problems in the relationship, an easy option is to break-up or at least have a cooling off period. When you are married you know you can't do that so easily & you either have to separate &/or go to counseling or something to try to make it work or you divorce. When you are just living together, it is not so easy to break up or take time apart. It is just a mess. I think many people end up staying together much longer than they would have if they weren't living together.
That is not to say I will stay w/ him forever just b/c it is my house. I realize I could ask / insist that he leave. I have asked him to move out in the past & it would just come & go just like his threats. With every argument though, I think he gets closer & closer to leaving & I get closer & closer to letting him go w/o a fight. I know I should not be waiting for the next fight, rather instead I should talk to him on a calm day & ask him to leave. I just hate to lose him & know that I will. After living w/ him for 3 years there is know way I could "date" him while he lives elsewhere. No way.
Well, I am glad to hear I am not the only one who has tried to physically block the door in the hopes of preventing someone from leaving. It sounds so ridiculous but at the time it is happening it seems so logical.
I am glad things worked out for you. Congratulations on standing up for yourself, doing what you knew was right for you. It takes a lot of courage & determination. I am fairly certain I used to have all that courage & determination. Actually I know I did. I just need to find it again.
Yes, unfortunately, I have read many discussion posts about women in situations much like this. In fact, reading those helped me immensely. They were a source of support and encouragement for moving on and having some happiness.
My ex was always controlling and would not change himself either. It was always my fault or my "issue". When I say the 11th hour, there were only 2 instances of that in 10 years of being together...basically when he lost control and I gained it. The first was me moving out. He would threaten to leave me, walk out in the middle of fights, etc. But, when it came to ME actually taking action (signing a lease on an apt) it was only then he turned somewhat remorseful. But, it didn't last very long. He apologized (sort of), cried, etc. and I found out that 4 days later he was back on the computer flirting, etc (exactly what he told me he was going to stop). The other time was when I told him I'm tired of it and to have the divorce papers drawn up/signed. He suddenly became "sorry" once more and would do anything to change himself and admitted he was a major liar. Yeah, right.
I think you are correct that many people do stay together much longer when they live together regardless of how bad things are. Living together makes it just that much more difficult to separate. After all, there is the level of comfort plus someone is going to have to look for a new place, move their things, etc, etc.
That's definitely a little more difficult when it's your place. When I moved, it was out of OUR home. I just had to do it. I kind of wonder if you asked him to move if it wouldn't in a way make him want to stay more; only because its what YOU want. It's that control thing. I think trying to "date" him if he moves out will not go well. I think there is too much damage already done with your relationship. If anything, I think the time apart will make you realize he is NOT what/who you want.
Maybe in some kind "off" kind of way another fight wouldn't be so horrible. Maybe it will be that one last thing to send you over the edge and say, "this is it. I don't like living like this, I'm better off without him." It took something along those lines for me to tell my ex to sign the divorce papers. It was a mess, but that last piece of information sealed the deal for me and made me realize there was no way I was going to stay M a second longer.
It sounds like you know what you need to do and that in your heart you know you cannot stay in this situation and with this person. You do not sound happy. You will find your courage and determination again. It will come and so will your happiness. Hang in there and best of luck to you.
Thanks. It is nice to talk (write) to someone & hear their advice, esp. when I know it is the right advice.
I think you are absolutely correct on everything, 100%. I know very well that "dating" would not work out if/when he moves out, which is one major reason for being so afraid of it. Not only would it not work, but I have already made up my mind I will not be a part of it no matter what. I would hold it against him completely, punish him, not to mention I would be probably put a tracking device on his car & secretly monitor his every move.
I am enjoying this ivillage thing - you are right about that also, it helps to keep you focused on what needs to be done.
Thanks for being a friend to a complete stranger, and a "newbie" to ivillage at that. Look forward to talking to you more. Hopefully, I think, I'll have some new news to share in the future.
Love 
