Snooping & Jealousy

So...it seems like every time I hit a point in my marriage that I can't figure out and don't feel comfortable talking to my guy friends about, I lurk the iVillage boards. Just being honest...not trying to be creepy.

So here I am again...

My wife and I have been together since HS...with very, very few exceptions (on her part), we've been monogamous since we were sixteen (almost...18 years ago...wow).

To the point. My wife loves to dance. I'm not a great dancer, although I'm always willing to go out and have a good time. She generally spends more time telling me what not to do than enjoying herself, so we don't go dancing together that often. I could give or take it, I mainly go 'cause it's what she likes.

The last few years, she's started going on "girls night out" with her best friend and just about any other woman that will go...probably a little less than once a month, if that. I don't mind, usually, both because she enjoys it and because she's an adult who should be able to make her own decisions.

Lately though, I've started wondering if there's something more going on. It seems as though she always leaves the bar ONLY when it closes, she's headed to more and more "meat-market" type clubs and has even gone a couple of times with my 18 year old cousin (long story...it wasn't nearly as weird as it sounds).

Anyway, her and her friend just got back from an out of town overnighter where I booked the hotel for them (close to the club) and sent her off with a kiss and the directive to have fun. For some reason, though, I can't shake the feeling something a little "out there" went down.

For starters, she didn't call me until 5pm the next day (she said it was because we sent some text msgs back and forth that morning)...she's been acting kind of distant and her friend didn't stick around to b.s. after dropping her off (as she always has before). I admit I did a little snooping, but I found absolutely NOTHING (not even a receipt from the bar...which in and of itself is kinda strange).

She gets nutso when I question her on this stuff...so, ladies...what do you think? Am I out of line to to be a little bit put off?

That makes a lot of sense. We do have things we enjoy together and to tell the truth, I don't really enjoy nights out dancing all that much my own self. It's a bit "forced" on my end as well.

What your response reminds me of is the fact that no life can be fulfilled if it's lived through another person. She's gotta go dance, I gotta go hang out with the guys and holler expletives at the refs on the big screen. She likes to shop...I like to give her money to shop so I don't have to go. And we like to do a lot stuff with each other, but we didn't sacrifice our individuality when we got together...we just enhanced it.

I've got a small seed of jealousy and suspicion left over from far worse times that every now and then starts to sprout. This is probably one of those times. Like I said, usually I don't worry about it all...I'm fairly confident in my own self and we're both pretty happy with what we've got going.

We've had pretty frank discussions about what would happen if either of us ever got caught having an affair...regardless of the reasons. And we've agreed that alcohol consumption isn't an excuse. Stepping over the line is the same as turning in our keys.

So while she may be cheating (and I don't really think that's the case), I think what your response helped me realize is that my suspicion is more of an indication of MY issue than hers. That is to say...the degree to which I'm jealous is correlated to my self-esteem and confidence. When I'm confident, kicking ass, and being the best husband I can be, no jealousy. When I've been drinking too much, being lazy, looking like crap...well, you bet I'm gonna be a little concerned when some 25 year old meat missle tries to grind it on the dance floor with her. And rightfully so.

So it's on me. I'll reap what I sow. Time to go sow some cardio.

(thanks...THIS is why I lurk these boards...one or two sentences that start the tangential thinking that eventually pulls my head right out of my...hat).

I don't think you are out of line at all !   And if you are questioning her actions, it is only because you care about her.

I will say that most of the people I know who have been married a long time go through phases.   My one friend's husband was going out all the time, he wasn't cheating or anything, but we didn't think it was right to be going out all the time.  He was just going through a period where he felt he "missed out on fun".   He got tired of it and returned to the couch.....marriage in tact.

Some of my friends were acting like your wife as well, same thing, just had to get it out of their system.

Take care and I hope all turns out ok.

I think it is important to each keep your individuality and go out with your individual friends and blow off steam, but sometimes this can become very frequent and cause couples to really "drift apart", especially long term relationships begun very early in life.  This happened to my ex and me, and finally we did very little together, essentially led parallel lives.

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about another man, but perhaps you could think of something the two of you can do together to increase your bonding that is exciting for both of you.  Counselors say it is important for couples to do some exciting things together once they settle in to routines to keep a "spark" going.