Snooping & Jealousy

I'm sad to say that I am guilty of snooping :(

I was on my computer and I realized that my BF was still logged into his email. I looked at his email and i found a note that he had written to his ex in aug of 09. We have been together since Dec of 08. I read the email and it was saying how he doesn't trust her anymore and he wants to be able to gain her trust back. He says that he is jealous not of her current BF, but at the fact that she is now doing things for him that she didn't do for my BF. And the one she is with now, doesn't treat her like she is used to being treated. He also goes on to say that when they spend time together it feels so perfect. He is waiting on her to make a decision on something, and he says that he doesn't want to get her again. I don't know what it is, but I have a feeling that it involves a relationship.

A month after the letter was written he told me that he loves me and I do not know how to feel about that. He always jokes about how he is my rebound guy (which is not true), but I feel that maybe I'm his rebound girl.

I asked him today if he felt it was cheating to have romantic feelings for someone else and he said no. Then I asked him if he felt it was wrong and he said yes. I asked him if I had feelings for someone else would he leave me and he said that he did not know. He asked me the same question and I said in a heartbeat.

He has been such a great guy, more than I could have ever asked for, but I don't know if my little heart can take anymore pain. I was shot several times by an ex and I have learned to trust and love again because of him. He has been patient with me through everything. I have given him hell and then some and he is still here, but he is treating me like this because he wants to be better for her when she is ready?

He doesn't know that I read the letter. I don't know what to do or how to approach the situation. I just need help.

Some of the wording you use is very confusing to me. I'm not sure about a lot of the context of the Email you read because you convey it from a third person perspective... So you read her response and she says that she's not being treated by her new boyfriend the way your boyfriend treated her?

Also, and I truly hope this isn't so... You were actually SHOT by an ex?? With a gun?? If this is true have you received an adequate amount of help afterward from a professional? That sounds like an incredibly traumatic event and it wouldn't be possible for a boyfriend (not trained professionally to deal with this) to pull you through it on your own. That kind of event takes a serious toll on anyone.

You say you have put this guy through hell. That would indicate to me that if he really is putting up with a lot emotionally, he would be looking for other ways to escape or relieve his strife - People often do this by entertaining romantic/sexual thoughts with others. Can you describe what you've done that you think is putting your boyfriend through hell? And just as importantly, what are you doing to stop?

Yes I was shot with a gun by my ex husband. This was a couple of yrs ago. I have sought treatment and I still am. When I say that he helps me I just mean that he has been there for me and he supports when. Not that he counsels me or anything like that. He mainly just listens.

In the beginning of our relationship I just made it difficult for him to get along with me. I would push him away because of the trust issues that I was having, but we have since worked on all of that and we have been doing just fine. We spend all lots of time together and we have tons of fun together. He tells me that I have changed his life and that I mean more to him that I will ever know. He is the second guy that I have dated since the event with me ex. The last guy I dated cheated on me and I ended that right away.

We talk about every (well except this) and I didn't even know he was feeling the way he was about his ex until a few days ago.

I hope that clears it up some.

Thank you!

Wow that is horrifying... I hope he is put away for a LONG time. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through, confused, that is just heartbreaking. I'm glad you're in counseling. Yes, this clears up a lot for me.

I'm concerned that your boyfriend is involved in, or beginning, an emotional affair with his ex. It doesn't seem like there are ongoing trust issues between you two, and that this snooping isn't something you do often, so I wonder if there are ANY other signs of what may be going on - Has he been emotionally closed off lately? Were there any other Emails between them since August that you've seen?

Are you willing to talk to him about it even if it means coming clean? Because unfortunately, there isn't too much you can do on your own without his input.

Thank you. I feel like I have come a long way since the incident and he has helped with that just by being there and listening to me and not judging me.

He hasn't been closed off. We actually spent the weekend together and I was not feeling well and he took care of me. I haven't seen any other sign of him being distant. He text me all throughout the day to see how I am doing and how my day is going. Before he makes plans, he always makes sure that I don't want to go out with him first. And if he does decide to go out he will let me know and he will text me continously while he is out. I tell him that he doesn't have to and to enjoy himself, but he tells me that I always come first and he is always thinking of me so he just texts or calls to let me know that.

I didnt see any other emails that he has sent to her or any from her. So I don't think that there have been any. I do know that they text each other and that always seems to end in him being upset and me trying to make him feel better.

I would like to talk to him, but I dont know what to say or even how to bring it up.