Have Hotter Sex / Ask Laura Corn

I have come to terms with the fact that if there are men who wish to maintain a monogomous relationship, I will never find one.  So, I am at a crossroad.

My past includes a marriage to someone I was with for 15 years...ended in cheating.  Another relationship of 8+ years was riddled w/sex outside the relationship.  Currently, I'm with a guy for 3+ years that is now pending my acceptance of sexual activity outside the relationship.

You would think that I am not able to satisfy a man inside or outside of the bedroom, but that's not the case.  I am a very open person who has always been sexually adventurous and open to many things.  But here's my problem...how far am I willing to go, and will I be able to deal with the possible repercussions.

The man I currently call my man has always been someone who does not hide the pleasure he gets from looking at, and fantasizing about, other women.  Pornography is part of his life, and I have known that from the beginning.  It has not always been easy to accept this as strictly fantasy, but I thought I had done a fairly good job of not letting it come between us and to let him have his pictures and videos.

However, it turns out that there is more to the sexual obsessions than I imagined.  Last week, I found out he has been actively involved in sexual activities with both men and women outside of the house.  I am very hurt, but I'm no stranger to being cheated on, so this is my quandry...

At this point, I think I want to stay with him.  I also know that he has ramped up his sexual desires, and I'm not sure that we will ever have the type of relationship that I wish for.  Maybe I have become too boring for the type of individual I like to be with.

I guess I just can't resolve how long two people can maintain a special closeness in a situation where others are brought into the bedroom.  One of the biggest fears (other than the obvious) is the constant drama--I don't know how many people are out there that can keep sexual rendevouz in the context of a "one time thing", or keep it emotionless--and that includes myself.  I believe a bond is formed, and worry about the complications involved with becoming attached to more than one person at a time.  How do men do it?????

Hi, Steve...Thank you for your post.

I don't think I'll ever become impervious to the pain of being cheated on, but it seems that living in the times we live in, I need to adjust my expectations if I want to avoid the crazy, emotional rollercoaster rides I've been finding myself experiencing.

My man and I have had a lot of conversation about this situation over the past week...and I believe that some things may change...but I honestly don't feel his sexual compulsions are going to be tamed by me.  This is why I contemplate more of a participating role.

I have requested that he be open with me in the event he decides to go out alone.  (Haven't received an answer on that one yet.)  You have to wonder if sneaking around is part of the thrill...  I guess time will tell how this all plays out, but at this point I think I'm ready for just about anything...one way or the other.

I am so shocked by your post, it actually upset me a bit that you have been put into such an awful state.

The continuous bad behaviour of your cheating partners has somehow convinced you this is normal behaviour, it is not. Of the millions of men in the world, I can tell you there are more than one of them that would not cheat on someone who is obviuosly intelligent and giving like you.

I hope that you can really think things through and see that just because they think its okay doesn't mean that you  have to.

This is all just my opinion and of course you don't need to agree but I really feel you should try and find someone who realises that you deserve better than to be cheated on. This is more likely to happen too if you stop being so accepting of it. People can sense who they can walk over, I work in a shop with a group of confident young women and one very timid lady. This lady is given far more abuse and trouble than anyone else because the customers know they can get away with it with her but not with the rest of us. I feel this is what is happening with you. This guy knows he can get away with this socially inacceptable behaviour because you're not telling him he can't.

By the sounds of your e-mail you deserve something good for once, so go out and try and get it instead of wasting time on a loser

Good luck