Hello!!! I know I only come here to ask questions.. I have a busy life I guess, I'd be here more often if I had a lil time here and there. Maybe I'll try to come here more often, I really love the advice I always get. Anywaaaaayyyyysss...
I've been dating my man for 3 years now. We clicked very fast, and when my roommate left without notice, and he was kicked out of his appartment, 2 months into our relationship, we decided to move in together. It just seemed right. So that is just to establish that we have lived together for pretty much our entire relationship. Early on, in our first year, I was working outside. I go back inside the house, sit down with my beau to chill at the computer after working. He opens a file which opens windows media player. The file was not a porno. but the last file that he had looked at was, and that was what was shown on the player. Of course I was totally upset, I was 19 at the time. He completely denied that he had actually looked at anything. It was a "glitch" or a virus, or something. It was total BS. I could tell. I would shyly bring it up a few times later in the next month or so, because I really just didn't believe him in the back of my mind. He always just said that it was nothing, that it was something COMPLETELY beyond his control, he told me to trust him on it. And I did. I trusted him completely.
VOILA. THIS YEAR, more than TWO years later, I just brought it up, I don't remember why... (we are a mature couple, we understand that fights happen because of miscommunication and we can talk openly about anything, The very few fights we've had we've always found were just simple communication errors.) So yeah... I questioned him again... he admitted, finally, this much time later, that he did indeed have porn, and that he was watching it, and that he did watch it a little bit for the first part of our relationship.... It hurts me a lot. Its not the porn that bothers me as much as the fact that he lied to me for so long about it. I hate hate HATE the fact that I get different answers when I question something for long enough. I am extremely sad and scared about it. I really want him to be this truthful person that he says he is, and I really believe he is, but this is going to REALLY bother me.... I don't know what to do. I trust him, a lot. I just don't even know what to think, and I have no idea what to do....
Do you think I can trust him? How would I talk to him about it?
No worries, Kristin, answering questions is a good part of what we're here for.
First of all, I'm wondering whether the two of you have ever actually had a discussion about whether porn is acceptable in your relationship, and to what degree? Porn by itself isn't necessarily wrong, per se. Lots of people watch porn, both men and women, whether in a relationship or not. Some couples even enjoy watching it together, as a form of foreplay. Other people want no part of watching porn, or their partner doing it either, viewing it as a form of cheating. Neither view is right or wrong by itself, it basically all boils down to what is acceptable to the two of you, and in your relationship. So, have you had "the porn talk"?
In the absence of having had the talk, I'm guessing that he didn't cop to watching porn right away because he knew (or at least suspected) that the reaction he would get from you about it would be negative, and he wasn't up for having the fight right then and there about something that he didn't consider to be wrong, but he knew you would. And yeah, that wasn't exactly the best or most mature way he could have handled it, but then you're both fairly young. Hopefully as the two of you continue to mature and grow in your relationship, you'll both get better at communicating about sexual issues.
In my mind, the question at this point isn't whether or not you can trust him, it's whether or not either of you knows which page the other is on when it comes to your respective views of porn — and once you do both know that, how close or far apart are your page and his? Is your partner viewing porn unacceptable to you, but something that he isn't willing to live without, or are the two of you close enough that you can find a middle ground where you'll both be happy with (or at least tolerant of) the outcome?
I was thinking about writing a little bit about where we were in terms of porn, but I was short on time. At first of course, I didn't understand porn. I thought that everything that men watched was from some third world country where they are forced to do it or something. We got together only a few months after my first sexual experience, so I was just naive. It's taken me a while to get it, but I understand it a lot better these days. And we've discussed it a lot, in a very casual manner. He understands that I don't like the fact that its just a commercial industry like any other, and that some people do very hard work and don't get nearly as much as some women do, just to show up and have sex for a camera. As for him viewing porn of other women, I don't agree with it. He knows this. Earlier this year we came up with an awesome idea. We were thinking of making a website dedicated to real sex, not really porn, for people that are curious of what its like for people in real, loving relationships. and also make a large portion of the website dedicated to showing how its ok to become close to someone.. videos of couples just being plain silly or having fun. I can't stand that many young people think they have to have sex like a porn star from the get go, or that they need to show off the fact that they are good at sex, and have a lot of it. I want to tell people that they don't have to worry about their sexual reputation, because people will always ALWAYS have completely different opinions of you. It can confuse young people. I want to show that everyone has to start somewhere, and that you should just do what you want and what you feel comfortable with.
Anyways, the more we spoke of this idea, the more it helped him realize that I understand it a lot better now, yet I still have some strong opinions about it.. I understand that there are about a million and a half of genres and that you can't just say that all porn is evil. I believe this was a big reason why he actually felt ok to tell me that he was using it earlier in the relationship.
So I'm guessing, to answer whether or not we were on the same page, you could say that we were on the same page as far as I had known. But as you will see in the next paragraph I guess you could say I found a little note that fell out from between the pages that I had not picked up on before.. :)
So, funny story.. I think just writing out my questions helped me realize that it really was just about trusting him. I couldn't wait, and I just decided to ask him about it. I told him I was just curious, and I just felt like I was being left in the dark about it. Like the one thing that we don't share information about. He was ok with it and we talked for a looong time.. didn't get much sleep, boy I think I need a nap.. But yeah, another thing that I was wondering about him was that we can go without sex for quite a few days if we are both very busy, and its always worried me a little bit, because I would figure he would need to get off more often than that. So yeah, basically I just found out that he masturbates often, 3-4 times a week, and that it helps him hold back better if he has sex with me later in the same day. So in actuality, it helped me out more than I would have ever known!!! I also found out that he gets off on our own personal photos. This made me feel soooo much better!!! I was actually extrememly flattered by the end of it all. I always had felt as if there was something that I just didn't know about between us. And this was definitely it. I mean I never thought that he DIDN'T masturbate, but I never thought about how often or what he might use to do it with. Of course I was a lil jealous at first because I whine a lot about not getting enough sex, and I just saw that as extra opportunities for me getting what I want going down the drain. He made his case though: He loves to take his time with me, and is not always energetic enough to take this time. He is right, its a lot easier to just rub it off in like 30 seconds. Also I know that its healthier for him to keep himself comfortable and to do it whenever he feels like it. He shouldn't have to wait all day just because we work different shifts.
What it did bring up though was my personal issues with masturbating. Because if he is doing it then I should too, so I'm not so wound up all the time. I have never really brought myself to climax, especially not like he can.. And we think it might be a good idea if I try to find a toy that can please me better. I have a pocket vibe and a standard waterproof vibe, but they really dont do a lot for me. Do you think I should just be more patient with myself? I think I'm just going to have to talk to him more about it, since he's the expert at getting me off. Since I really like the g-spot orgasms, he suggested some type of floor contraption that you can ride... but that seems way more than I would want. I don't really want to spend 300$ on some vibrating animal ride. I mean if its less clunky and expensive than it sounds then maybe. anyone know what this thing is called?
So yeah.... no problems between us now.. he answered all my questions!! :) I am so happy now, you guys have no idea. Oh yeah and the sex afterwards was awwwwweeesssssssooooooommmmmmmeeee!!!!
Love 
