Let's Talk about Sex

First and foremost, whatever he's doing has NOTHING to do with you....how attractive you are, how attracted he is to you, etc. 

Whatever the problem is.......it's HIS problem.  He's addicted to it........just like some people are addicted to computer games.  He needs to consciously stop, or at least cut way back on the time he's looking at it.  If he can't do it on his own.......then he needs professional help.......it's an addiction just like a druggie or an alcoholic.

Thank you so much for your response...I try to tell myself that it isn't me...but some days it gets to me that maybe he's bored with me.  I'm 5 years older than him and have had 2 kids so maybe I'm not attractive to him anymore.  He tells me the opposite...but it's hard to believe when actions don't back it up, it feels like all talk...but I think I agree with you....that it's his problem...

However,  I am not against it, never have been.  We enjoy it together and I can even understand if I were to leave for a few days him endulging...but for pete's sake I'm going to the grocery store or to pick my kid up from somewhere or just outside in the yard and he's jumping on the computer for porn.  He went 2 weeks without it at all, then suddenly wham, right back to it.  When I bring it up, he gets mad.  He says it's not a problem for him, he enjoys it.  He doesn't see why he needs to cut back.  I tell him because there's other things around the house that are now being neglected due to the fact that he soaks up the little bit of time he does have here at home looking at porn.  He works alot and we do alot with our kids...so to him, that's his relaxation when nobody's around. 

He doesn't even masturbate every time he looks at it which I don't know if that is worse or not.  I mean, if he doesn't then he comes after me for sex and I feel like the depository after he's all horny from the porn...which at one point I didn't even mind once in a while...but now that he thinks I don't mind he's abusing the freedom to do it, u know???  I don't feel like I'm the one turning him on anymore and it's hurting my feelings more than anything..He doesn't see that.  He says he's a grown man and can do what he wants and I do believe that.  So I try to look at it like what he is doing is his thing, or his problem or his whatever and that it doesn't have anything to do with me...but it's not that easy when he's not looking at me or taking pics of me like I always always beg him to do...I wanna be "that girl" in some pics that he wants to look at...but he's not interested in doing that I think becuz he sees enough of it elsewhere...and he sees me every day... I feel like old news..He's still very good to me, snuggly and sweet and loving..(oddly when I walk in the door I can tell if he's been looking at porn, he won't even make eye contact with me..)  I don't know how to handle it anymore.

I guess I don't know how to meet him half way.  I started years ago being against it...I knew his feelings on it, I knew his liking to it...so I hated allowing it exactly for this reason..that he wouldn't stop...So I let go, gave him his freedom and look where I am...I've told him time and time again I don't care if I was gone for a length of time but EVERY time I leave the house?? He doesn't even check his email anymore, he's too busy with the porn site..

Ahhh, thanks for letting me vent, anybody's ideas or suggestions on this would be helpful, I don't think it's wrong and I don't want him to feel bad and I dont' want to argue about it...but I can't get him to see that I still want the same attention, he can't get his fill and then not expect to fill mine, you know?  I hate that he doesn't spend time noticing me, looking at me or something new that I might be wearing..or not wearing....but he can stare at porn forever.  I'm also a little ticked that when he's home he could be doing alot of other things around here once in awhile !!

There are some who feel that all porn is bad and anyone who looks at it is broken in some way.

There are others who believe that porn can be a means of enhancing a sexual relationship by introducing an element of newness or naughtiness to combat the monotony and staleness that can creep into a long-term monogamous relationship.

It doesn't sound like you are offended by the porn specifically.  However, you do appear bothered by the frequency of his resort to it and that he is doing so without involving you.  You also seem to feel as though it is now competing for his attention.  These feelings are unhealthy for you regardless of the reasons he is interested in the porn.

The challenges with porn derive from the differences in the sexes.  Women are generally aroused more by stimulation of the senses of sound and touch (in addition to a general feeling of safety and security).  In contrast, men are generally more aroused by sight and smell (in addition to a general feeling of newness and adventure).  Porn provides males access to visual stimulation that appeals to the desire for adventure and newness.  However, the woman can be threatened by the male's attention to the porn thereby reducing her feelings of safety and security in the relationship.  Males, recognizing that their spouses are feeling threatened by the porn, may seek to avoid sharing it with them (particularly if the spouse indicates some dissatisfaction or insecurity in connection with the porn).  Also, males tend to be embarrassed by their attraction to porn and to the fantasies that the porn enables within them.  That embarrassment may cause them to hide their interests even from a spouse who is otherwise accepting of porn generally.

Rather than viewing the porn as a possible threat to you or as an indication of something broken with your partner, I suggest that you work to involve yourself in your partner's fantasies recognizing that a desire to be with someone other than you is completely normal and is not an indictment of what you do for him or are capable of doing for him.  In the process, maybe you will find opportunities to share your own desires and fantasies with him.  As a result, you may define a higher and better level of sexual communication between the two of you that will strengthen not only that part of your relationship, but all other levels of your relationship.

But, the key to success is looking beyond the porn as an enemy and, instead, embracing it (to a limited extent anyway) as a friend.

That is my opinion.  Good luck.   

Thank you for taking the time to answer me....Everything you describe makes sense to me.  I understand why he looks and I get everything you said.  I have tried embracing it, we look together alot of times. 

The problem is he wants to look all the time.  He wants to look before or during our sex, he wants to look every time I run out the door.  I don't believe porn is bad and I'm not looking at it as my enemy because he's looking at it...I am starting to feel in competition with it due to the frequency in which he is using it.  Shouldn't he put a little more effort into being in the moment with me instead of constant state of fantasy land??? 

I am so totally not against it but there's more to sex than porn.  It is "our friend" often enough for sure, it's the fact that it's never enough for him.  When I ask him if he's satisfied with me he says yes but it sure doesn't feel like it...How can someone have to or want to, as he puts it look at porn every day?? That just does not seem normal.