Let's Talk about Sex

I am 23 years old and still a virgin. I am in love with my boyfriend and want to start having sex with him. We have tried but as soon as he starts to go inside me, I tense up and start to close my legs. Even when he fingers me I don't really enjoy it, because I feel nervous the deeper he goes inside me. He has done oral sex to me before and I do enjoy that though.

I feel like because everyone says it will be painful the first time (and probably even a few times after that), that is all that I am focusing on..the pain. I am not focusing on how it can feel good. I am generally a nervous person anyway, which is not helping.

My question is, how can I mentally change my frame of mind to actually fully go through with sex and not stop any more? What were your experiences like? Someone told me to close my eyes and count to 10, lol. Someone else told me to put a pillow under my back or butt.

Cookie,

I understand your apprehension because I was there just a year ago! I was 21 when I lost it and I lost it to my boyfriend who was also a virgin at the time. The two of us were very worried about it all because we didn't know what we are doing, but not only did it go well, we both loved it!

Yes, it is very painful at first for some women. I was incredibly narrow and my OBGYN warned me that it could take work. But, we worked. When he couldn't get in on top without me screaming, we switched positions and I got on top. It was amazing and didn't hurt. He finished on bottom and I was sore the next day, but didn't bleed at all.

I myself wasn't much a fan of fingering before intercourse. I liked oral, but not fingering. Now, of course, I love it.

Don't think about it! Lots of foreplay, try being on top, and lube can only help!

"Everyone says"!  "They say!"  The problem is that you are NOT "everyone" or "they".  No one can tell you what your first experience(s) will be like.

I can tell you that if you're nervous and afraid, it probably WILL hurt.  That's called a "self fulfilling prophecy"!  You're so worried about it hurting that you're all tensed up, and it's gonna hurt.

Not everyone has a painful first experience........and if your b/f knows anything about giving a woman pleasure, he will give you PLENTY of foreplay......the oral that you enjoy.....and touching, that you will enjoy if you relax and allow yourself to enjoy it.  Have some sexual lubricant on hand, because "nervous" also makes "dry" and you'll probably need it.

Also, you'll know immediately if you're dry or not aroused & relaxed, so don't proceed........all you have to do is say stop......and try again another time.

It might help you to relax if you understand your body and the female sexual response......you might THINK you know it all, but if you check out this site you'll find lots of info you didn't know about:  www.the-clitoris.com

Everyone has a first time, but certainly NOT everyone has pain the first time......but if you anticipate it, you probably will.  Forget about pain, and think about pleasure!

Welcome to the board, Cookie.

Sorry to hear that so many told you it would be painful. That's definitely not true for everyone. The thought of it being painful will definitely work against you.

The first time I had penetration, I was on top. Wasn't even trying for penetration at that moment ... we were making out and things found their way to fit together. There was no pain.

I've only had one partner that was painful. He was very (extremely) large, and we didn't prepare with foreplay nearly enough before trying to have intercourse.

Check out the site that was recommended, and also have some lube on hand. (That can be picked up where condoms are sold.) Speaking of condoms ... be sure that you are prepared so that fear of pregnancy doesn't add to the tension you're feeling. Don't make intercourse a goal, just get naked and enjoy being together. That way, if intercourse does start to happen, you'll be relaxed.

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I agree with what everyone else says. Take all that 'they say' crap and throw it out the window.

My first time really wasn't all that painful. Of course my partner wasn't 'big'. There really wasn't any blood. Maybe a little of something in my undies later but it was no major deal at all.

I agree with Misty. Make sure you have to condoms. You don't want your first time to be when you accidentally get pregnant. (It can happen if you don't use a condom).

When you are together just get naked and let it happen. If you get to the point that you are really 'wanting it' then just roll him over on his back and take control. With you on top you are controlling everything. The angle that he 'enters' you, how fast it goes in, etc...And once he's in you can both 'rollover' and put you on the bottom if you feel you are ready for that.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!