Living Together

Hello everyone,

Newbie here-in more ways than one :-) first time on the boards & also first time moving in with my boyfriend of not quite one year; 27 October will make it officially one year I have known my boyfriend. 14 February 2010 will be one year we are together, officially.

My boyfriend asked me to move in w/him approximately one month/so ago and I agreed. I am scared really, not knowing what to expect---how things will/might change between us. I literally lose my appetite each time I think about taking this step. I have requested advice from others (friends, family) and have received so many differing opinions. Some say emphatically "Don't do it!", others advise take the chance--ease into things slowly. I want to calm my fears--regain my appetite!

As my moniker states, this is my first time and his second (living w/a girlfriend); he lived with his ex-girlfriend for the last two years of their relationship. They were together six years total.

From others who have already taken this step, what do you think? Any advice for me?

Thanks

From having done it twice before, first time was horrible and the next was great, I will say that you are ignoring your gut instinct and that is bad. I think you need more time. It's still quite early in the relationship. I think you should be very aware of where you both expect this relationship to go, what kind of goals you have for your lives together and separately for the next couple of years, and whether you're moving in together to help move those goals forward or you're doing it just because. I don't think you should ignore your stage fright... Give it some time. Also remember that cohabitating is the fastest way to ruin the wonderful honeymoon period and run the relationship right into "serious mode". It's quite a shock to a new relationship. Have you two figured out exactly how this is going to work?

I don't want to steer you away from the idea entirely because as I've said, my second experience has been really wonderful but we didn't move in together until we had been dating two and a half years and we knew where we wanted the relationship to go. This isn't something you should go into with a sense of dread.

So you've been a couple for 10 months.  How well can you really know him?  Some people (especially older ones) are pretty good at sizing someone up quickly - they have their eyes wide open and when they see a tip of an iceberg, they don't kid themselvesd it's just a blemish.  Do you think you know whether your BF is a man that you can trust and respect?

What are some of your ultimate goals, what do you want your life to be in 5 years, 10?  Do his plans match with yours?  Family?  Where you want to live?  How you will make a living and whether you will be budgeting savers or sporadic spenders?

I guess some people would say you can wait and find these things out after you move in.  But sadly, once you sign a lease and consolidate your furnishings and get attached to having this particular man there in your life and your nights -  -  breaking up and moving out is going to be seriously really very horribly hard to do.  So: will you decide you can put up with a guy who (you just found out) has some habits that you really don't want to have to spend the next 20 years with?  Because getting a new place and kissing him goodbye and moving is just too hard?

No.....dont do it....LISTEN TO YOUR GUT......you're not ready.

If he loves you/cares about YOU , etc....he would NOT want you to be doing something that you do not feel GOOD about......

this doesnt mean you'll never feel right about it....it just means right NOW is not yet the time.

Keep your own place....spend as many nights at his place as you want.....but you still have your own place ....

This sounds harsh on him, perhaps, but it sounds almost like he's just lazy.....move you in,.....he gets all benefits of seeing you al the time without travel, sex, help with cooking,cleaning,paying bills........and you get.......eh.....?......your stomach in knots.......

no........

not now....

you appreciate the offer....

maybe in the future....when he's put more forethought/investment into it......

To me.....

there is no benefit to YOU in saying "yes"... without you feeling 100% good about this (or at least 99.9% LOL).....

For him....

Sure...there are TONS of benefits...

he's got you all the time, without making any further committments to you.....

clearly, you wont be dating/seeing other guys while living with him.....

really, if he wants to be with you, but not making a committment towards your future....what's he got to lose with you moving in?

If he loves you enough to care about YOU.....he will care enough to be willing to invest more into your relationship....

he can propose....with forethought

.....and buy a ring....with financial investment

...he can also plan AHEAD for moving in.....looking at new places to move into TOGETHER

....rather than just clearing out a space in his closet and letting you shop for his groceries on the way home from work.....

I sound so jaded....!

But....honestly......

your post is saying "I need more from this relationship before I *commit* myself by moving in".

Say "no" for now......and allow him time to figure out what it is you need, and provide it for you.

BEST WISHES!  Keep us posted...!

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

I agree with the other ladies. If your gut is telling you no, then you need to wait. Have the two of you talked about what will happen once you do move in? Have you talked about the finances, household chores, stuff like that? Have you talked about what each of you wants in the future?

Whenever you do decide to move in with him, it's a good idea to talk about finances and bills ahead of time. Money is one of the top things couples fight about, so if you have a plan before moving in, it will be better.

Good luck, let us know how things go.

Thank you katka83 for my beautiful siggy!