Living Together

Hello everyone and thank you in advance for any insight and ideas...

My (now ex-) boyfriend of 18 months told me that he was ready to move in, and if I wasn't, he would find someone else who would.  He actually gave me an ultimatum - move in with me or it's over.

I knew I had no choice at that point, though I am still (7 weeks later) hurt and angry that he would do this, especially considering the circumstances.  He is legally separated, and I have told him since day 1 that I would not move in until his divorce is final.  He KNEW this all along, but says he doesn't have the money to get divorced and he wants to get on with our life together.  I have many reservations about this alone.  And then there is the issue of my mom, who fell in July and broke her neck.  I have been caring for her in her home and there was no way I could leave her alone at the time he issued his ultimatum.  So we broke up at that point and he immediately began dating a woman he works with.

He insists he still loves me and still wants me in his life.  I am stunned that he can say he loves me and yet issue an ultimatum like that.  That isn't love to me.  How can he love me  and ask something so impossible of me?  And start a new relationship within minutes?   We were so close and I was sure he loved me, but now I wonder if he ever did.  He calls me nearly every day, sends text messages about how much he misses me and wants me in his life, but I know he will not change his mind on the living together issue.  I go between missing him (we were good friends as well) and being so hurt and angry that I just want to cry.  To make matters worse, I am old enough to know better and I know it. 

If anyone has any thoughts, I'd love to hear them!

Many thanks!

Carolyn

Thank you so much for your reply!

I know you are right and it was good to "hear" it.  I agree with you about the phone calls and texts.  I have actually told him that in the past, and he always got angry and said things like "Now I know I made the right decision" when I said I didn't want any contact with him.  In the beginning, I thought he'd apologize and come back, so I was not emotional or upset at all.  I actually thought he'd come to realize that relationships can't be built on ultimatums and we would talk about both our needs and come to some kind of agreement.  Now that I see he won't, and he has another (much younger and a bit naive) girlfriend telling him that she doesn't care if he's married and she'd move in with him (after a few weeks of dating him), he is convinced he's right, and I am angry all over again. 

Do you think it's unreasonable to want him to be divorced first?  I know that it doesn't change anything either way at this point, but I am wondering how others feel about that.

I have turned my phone off today!

Thanks again for answering.

I think any woman in her right mind should be very certain that a man is divorced before moving in with him or making any other step toward significant long-term commitment. I don't think dating a separated person is wrong really but it would have been a huge risk for you to move in with someone who still officially belonged to someone else. Since you can only really know what you yourself are thinking and can't read his mind, you were really not able to assume he would EVER get the divorce if he hadn't already. Looking out for yourself and staying away from making decisions that put you at significant risk for heartache will only serve you well. Taking a risk is one thing... But so many women (especially women) take risks in ignorance and just let a man play with their lives. I'm really proud of you for standing up for yourself and taking control of your life rather than giving it away!

Thank you again for your support.  I think I'm just looking for someone to validate my feelings.  I so appreciate your input.

You are right, and I knew I was taking a risk by dating him in the first place.  I am certain that he doesn't want to be with his wife, and he actually started the divorce process (had a lawyer, had papers drawn up, etc.) and I know this because I did actually see the papers.  Then money became an issue, and, kowing full well how crippling financial problems can be, I didn't push him.  However, I was clear from the beginning that the relationship could only go so far as long as he is married.  He knew this and agreed to finish the process as soon as he had the money. 

I know now to not date a man who is anywhere in the process (i.e. still married).  It's funny - I used to know that a long time ago :)

I also  know that a man who dismisses my feelings instead of doing the hard work necessary for a healthy relationship is not for me. 

Thank you again for your input and support.  How'd you get so smart, anyway?!