Living Together

well it's a long story so i'll try to summarize.  i'm 34 and i moved in with my boyfriend of 4 years back in march.  i had been living for 4 years with my parents prior to this move.  i had gotten divorced in 04 and had to move back in with them.  i will say that this guy that i've been dating is wonderful, is respectful and loves me dearly.  he has stuck with me through alot and i love him dearly too.  after my divorce he's what i needed!  now my parents do not like him because of ridiculous reasons!  they say he pounced on me after i got divorced!  well they were not accepting of the relationship in the beginning so i kept it from them (for a few years!!).  yes this was wrong and i fessed up to it and explained why i did it and apologized up and down for it!!  needless to say they were angry with me and had even asked me to leave many times before i eventually moved out.  because of my relationship with him my mother has told me that i ruined her family, i've separated myself from them, and my relationship with them is superficial!!!  there are a lot more lovely statements from her.  my sister feels the same way.  i do not have her support in this either.  she has talked to my bf and feels that it can possibly be worked out eventually!  so no one in my family now ever calls me or contacts me.  i have to contact them and it's just minor chit chat if we do speak.  my mother really does not want to talk to me and my father is civil with me if i do call.  my mother said she hopes i am happy with the decisions that i made but she is disappointed and sad.  well i am sad too that i don't have their support and don't know whether to be angry or not.  my father says that he does not think that my move will ever be accepted?! and like i said no one like what I've done.

so anyway i've been stressing over this for 4 years!  yes i decided to move in with him cause it was time for the 2 of us to move on with our lives.  i didn't want to lose him.  i love him very much.  it's just the situation with my family that is now ripping me apart!  i don't know what to do.  i've talked to them, explained myself whatever.  i don't know whether to be in their face with my relationship and share everything or do i leave them alone for a while?  do i call them?  do i give them time?  my sister said the longer it goes on the worse it will be!  how do i fix my relationship with them?  am i supposed to live for them or myself?  how could they expect me to get rid of someone i love for them?!  is that selfish of them?  i don't know what to do cause I was always very close to my family and now they basically hate me over this!!!!  your opinions please....Do I just move on with my life with him and hope for the best with my family??????

And yes we do want to get married someday soon and start a family together.  It's not some shackin up deal! 

As far as your family is concerned, there's got to be other reasons that you haven't mention that they don't like him. Hiding the relationship from them is immature on your part, and made things worse. I've seen relationships that girls get into and things happen with that relationship (ex: the BF says or does something wrong or the family doesn't get good vibes from him, or abuse, or manipulation), and things get worse, and get dragged out for years and years with no end.

Sounds like this guy was a quick rebound after your divorce and instead you probably should have taken some time to heal from that instead of jumping so quickly into the "pond" again. Most people are and "easy catch" after getting out of an old or bad relationship. It's possible that your family saw a lot of manipulation on his part towards you, and the "pouncing quote", and you hiding the relationship from them.

It also seems from what you have wrote that you ("i didn't want to lose him") seemed desparate to hold on to the relationship and he was the closest thing to getting out of your parents house.

The bottom line is that you need to understand that they are clearly seeing things that YOU aren't in this relationship. Whether or not you seem to have your "blinders" on with this guy, you need to sit down with your family and ASK THEM specifically why they don't like him or the relationship. ASK THEM what they are seeing. Be prepared to hear it all.

Their reasons might be ridiculous to you, but it was your choice to be with this guy. You will probably need to talk to them in person, and "sit on their couch" till you get something you both can agree on.

Hmmmmm......I agree with the other poster.....there has to be *something* else besides the fact that he "pounced" on you too early to be the reason your family doesnt like him....I mean....*even if* he "pounced" when you were vulnerable....you're still interested in/with him now....4 years later. Usually, in those cases .....the "pouncee" (e.g. you) would be feeling secure now, not need him for that anymore....and ready to move on to someone else if not really in love.....

ANYHOW...

sit down with your family and ask them to explain to you why they think this man is no good for you.  (please let us know what they say!)

NOW....on the flip side....

You're 34 years old......returned home with your folks after your divorce....OK, I can see it....but you're a teacher.....and still ...4 years later.....were unable to afford your own place?  To me...there's something a little "red flaggish" there also.......e.g. does your family expect you to be with them 24/7 ? 

And what of your BF......what does he say of being with your family? 

It just seems there is SOME piece of information missing from your post........but I'm not sure what it is? 

I was waiting for some big thing to hit me.....like, your family doesnt like him because he's a different race/religion/unemployed/drinker/gambler/wife abuser/......?? ....some other REASON?

Sorry I dont have any great words of wisdom right now........I do think you need to sit down with family and talk....as clearly this is distressing to you.....maybe see a counselor of sorts to work things out between both sides if just talking with them yourself isnt helping, and you still want to stay with your BF......clearly you dont want to live the rest of your life distressed like this........and a third person's perspective would be very useful..............do you have any GF's who give you perspective on their opinions of what's going on with it all?

I have to agree with laurena82 also...I was waiting for something other than he "pounced"on you after your divorce.  Even though that may be true, one can not be pounced upon without agreeing to go along :); perhaps they think that wasn't a wise choice on your part and wonder about his motives.  Having said that, one would think after four years, his motives would be more clear...and maybe they are to your family.   Is it possble that they see something you are missing?  Having been vulnerable after your divorce, is it possible that you didn't see some red flag they did? 

I agree with the other posters on the other point as well; you need to talk with your family about this to find out what they are really upset about.  I know this is easier said than done, so you have to remember that you are doing this for your own benefit, so that you can understand how they feel and what can be done about it, as opposed to arguing with them about why they are wrong.  It will be difficult not to be defensive but try to really listen to their concerns.  And approach the discussion with the attitude that you really want to understand why they feel the way they do and how you can make the situation better.  You will get more information that you can use that way than if you try to convince them that you are right and they are wrong.  Ask a lot of questions - did something happen to make them feel this way, etc.  Get as much information as possible and don't feel as though you have to answer or address all of their conerns at once. 

Good luck to you!  And let us know what happens!