Living Together

Hi all,

I am 33 and my boyfriend is 31. We've been together 16 months. We each own our own homes, have great jobs, financially secure (I am for the most part, but reduced my salary to accommodate school). We currently live about 1 mile apart.

Lately, I've been thinking how nice it would be to live together. Right now I am going to school, and life is just rough. It's very hard to support yourself, keep a job, a pet, a house, have a boyfriend. Summers are much better as school is out, but all in all it's so hard. Often there are tears. I am proud of what I've done so far, but I have 2 more years of this and it's really wearing on me.

Boyfriend and I have talked about living together some day. I try to get details how he envisioned splitting things as our incomes are so different, but he's not ready to get into the details (which I will require before anything is done - believe me). We both agreed it would be a precursor to marriage and we both see a future together. But we're going slowly which is OK, because I was already married once before.

Having no timeline is scary to me, but then again I don't even know what I want that timeline to be!

However, part of me is trying to stop these thoughts of living together and just enjoy living alone. Because once I do live with him, it'll be forever you know, so I might as well enjoy single living while I have it. Right?

The other part of me says if we moved in together now, it'd be to make life a little easier - mainly for me. I'm not sure I want that to be the factor that got us to live together though. By help I just mean with getting the food, cooking, walking the dog, yard work (we both agreed I'd move with him since his house is 3x bigger than mine) - not financially. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy. Though he just bought a ticket for me to fly home to his parents' only because big purchases are a strain for me right now.

Then there's this other part of me that thought I shouldn't make any life changes until I was done with school. That's 2 more years, and I'll be 35! Maybe I should rethink that plan if I want to have kids. I want to be able to say that I did it - put myself through school - all by myself. ** Perhaps some back story - I put my ex through school while supporting him. As in he has no loans, and he had life sooooo easy. Then when it was mine turn to go school, he was defiant and didn't want to be inconvenienced with starting to do chores now. When I am struggling by myself, I get really angry about this (the "how easy he had it part"), so perhaps I want to "prove" that I could do it.

I also mentioned to Boyfriend that I know how busy I am in school, and I wouldn't be a very good live-in partner while keeping such a hectic schedule. When I'm in school we only see each other 2-3x a week. So I fear I'd be a "neglecting" girlfriend. He just said, "That's considerate of you." Or maybe he'd distract me too much from my school. Not sure. Most people I run this idea by think it's absurd for me to be so worried about how much time I could give if living together. I find it quite rational.

So not sure if he's thinking about it, but I am but I am all over the place with the idea. Maybe he knows that if we do it's for real, and maybe he's not so sure to move to that next level yet. I don't even know what to bring up with Boyfriend. Just my random thoughts? I think he knows them already through various conversations.

Thanks for reading this mess.

Edited 10/30/2009 6:38 pm ET by sienna76

Hi Sienna -

I'm new here too, although I've been living with my boyfriend for over 2 years. Welcome!

I work full time and I'm part a part time graduate student, so I can relate to being very busy. But I think that living together has actually helped that rather than hurt it. If we didn't live together, I would probably only see SO once during the week and on the weekends. Since we live together, we almost always cook and eat dinner together, if nothing else, and spend a few minutes together before we go to sleep.

The one thing I'd recommend is laying out "ground rules" for study time. Make sure he knows how important it is for you to get quiet, undisturbed time to focus on your work. And invest in a good pair of noise-canceling headphones.

Luckily, Boyfriend is very supportive of my studies (and everything else for that matter). He was finished with his PhD at age 25, so he understands 100% the importance of carving out study time. I even said one of the spare bedrooms in his house has to be my "office" with my desk, etc.

I agree there are benefits of living together even now - seeing each other daily, dinner together, that time before you go to sleep. Less yard work over all as a bonus. My leaves at my house take at least 3 weekends to rake because I have so many trees, and he comes over to help me. Then I pull weeds at his house in the spring.

But, I do want the move in to be "because we're ready and it feels right." Not because "let's make life easier right now." I'm very particular on WHY we decide to live together. Not because I am having challenges "hacking it" alone. That would seem wrong to me.

I learned this lesson previously (lived with someone because we were just too poor to live alone and I later married him - BIG mistake). So I'm really, really trying to do this right this time around. Plus we're both said we're not ready to move in. I have trouble picturing leaving my house right now - mainly the location, yard and neighbors. It's just too great. Him coming here is not an option I feel (my house is small, and I bought this house with my ex). So I must not be quite ready, even though I think about living together a lot.

What would two people who each own their houses even do? When we do live together, we envisioned renting my house out just for the beginning - "just in case." And if we aren't married, what do you do about the other's mortgage? I would help pay towards it but I'm getting no benefits of the equity if I'm not on the mortgage which feels uneasy to me. But then it seems silly to refinance just to get your name on the house. Plus we each just refinanced earlier this year. We mentioned getting a new house together down the road, but that's too soon for early cohabitation.

Lastly, the whole kid issue. We are both undecided. We just don't know. I feel that I may gravitate towards having kids as I get older, but I'm just banking on that. he always thought that when he found the right woman he'd feel like the urge for children would come then, but it hasn't for him (even though he said I was the right woman). I am very hesitant about proceeding if we both remain undecided - too much uncertainty and it could go either way. It would likely end up one wanting them and the other not, and then you've got a no-win situation. But you can't hurry up your mind on a thing like that.

Hi Sienna,

From what you've written in this post....you (and he?) both seem mature, and  HAVE been getting along fine with your own homes....I think you should just stay with your own homes til you REALLY feel it is "right"....and that's just not quite today yet.

If you're able to spend weekends at his place with your own room to study, and, it sounds as though he's supportive of you and can come to your place frequently during the week for supper, etc....you're still spending time together. 

About the biggest practical "negative" would be two places for upkeep....but...you've been doing it.....it's nothing "new"....KWIM?

ALSO..."renting" out your place.....augghhh....good luck with that one....renters can be HARD on a place.....even "Good" renters who mean well ....

Strictly from a practical standpoint, in a perfect world (where no trouble buying or selling a house)....I think it would be ideal for you both to be "ready" to live together, then both sell and buy one together......but, you'd want to be ready for marriage (or a reasonable facsimile....e.g, **knowing** you want to be together forever).

And, yes, you are both very wise and mature to realize your ideas on children might very well change....and how disheartening it would be to be with a partner who definitely felt otherwise.  However, ....one thing I"m not reading in your post is that either of you is ADAMANTLY opposed to it .....so I"m guessing this issue is workable......you might talk about how each of you foresaw your lives changing if you had a child....e.g., would you want to work less and be home with child, so your partner would have more financial responsiblity?  OR, would you want to continue working fulltime, and expect him to be responsible for at least 50% of childcare?  Discussions of that sort might help..?

BEST WISHES, anyhow!  Keep us posted!