Long-Distance Relationships

Hi everyone,

So i'll try to make this short but no promises. Eight months ago my boyfriend and I were madly in love expecting to live together in the same city until I was able to graduate from school and move on. In March he received notification that he was excepted for his"dreamjob" as a wildland firefighter in California. Although the decision was difficult, he ultimately decided to take the job and move across country (litterly). He reassured me that it was not only to satisfy his ego, but also to secure a financial future for "us". I knew that the LD relationship would not be easy for me, as I need both emotional and physical support, which he cannot provide with his24/7 on call job.

Anyways...I had concerns that his "newlife" across country would change him, in a way that I felt excluded from his life, and/or create a environment that I did not enjoy. The first two months of him away were wonderful, we spoke as often as possible and when I told him I needed emotional support, he was allways willing to give it. We wrote and sent each other packages etc..and I was exacted for him to come home six months later. But, recently I had planned a trip to visit him, and the day of my departure, he was called onto a fire and I had to stay home. After this day, and after him telling me how happy and whole his job made him feel, and this trend would continue year after year..I litterly lost my feelings for him overnight.

I cannot except the fact that my feelings for him disappeared overnight..but rather I hold resentment towards him that he is 100% happy while I am the one dealing with the stress, worry and impatience. We are completely honest to each other but it just appeared that once I realized I could not visit him, I didn't even want to look at pictures of him because he was just "another guy I once new" because of  his new life. Could my feelings disappear instantly, or is this just a phase because of some serious resentment and emotional stress?

Welcome to the boards. It sounds like it could be resentment causing you to feel the way you do or it could be that you have lost feeling based on a belief that it won't work out.

I'm curious as to why you couldn't go see him like you had planned just because he got called to a fire. I mean, yeah, he had to go to work, but once he was done with the fire, he would've been able to spend time with you.

With LDRs, sometimes we have to visit our SOs even though we know they will be working. It's a sacrifice that we take so that we can spend some time together when vacation time just doesn't line up.

Also, the attitude that a person takes into the LDR often has a direct impact on the outcome of the LDR. If you go into it with negative thinking and feelings, then it's more likely to have a negative outcome, but if you go into it with positive thinking and feelings, it's more likely to have a positive outcome.

That being said, LDR's aren't for everyone. Some people just need more of the physical part of a relationship to feel connected. It's not a bad thing, it's just what the person needs.

I don't know if the feelings will come back or if they are gone for good. You're the only one that can figure that out. I think you should take the time to really think about what you want. Would you even move out there to be with him or would he ever move to where you are. Was there ever a discussion about when the LD would end? Would you rather be with him even though you are apart or be with someone else locally? Those are all things to think about and decide what you need to be happy.

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I too don't think you've lost your feelings for him, but they are masked by resentment.. or just pushed really deep down. If you saw him tomorrow it'd probably all surface to the top once again. I've felt this quite often with my SO, he's having an amazing time working where he is, and keeps saying how he wants to extend his contract. Nothing bothers him, whereas I continually question if perhaps Im the only one that finds this torturous and hard. Definitely talk to him, see where he stands on the LDR. Again, if you're finishing up school would it be a possibility for you to move and be with him once completed?

What really helps me is to take a few steps back and realize that someone I care about deeply is very happy, and I can be happy with that. Of course no one wants to be in an LDR forever, we're all striving for it to end.. but in the meantime I'm glad that he can be so enthusiastic about his life as it is.

You mentioned him coming home 6 months later, is that for a visit or was he only working there seasonal?

I couldn't go out to see him because he got called to that Santa Cruz fire, which means they will be fighting that day and night indefinitely...buut..the good news is that after I chewed him out on the phone for three nights straight, and completely felt sorry for it, I've woke up with the realization that only I can make this work or not work, so I think we're back on track..Im sending him a care package today with a really long letter and absolutely cannot wait for that fire to be done with so we can resume communication!

Thanks guys:)