Long-Distance Relationships

Well, DF and I had our talk on Sun.  He basically said that there's a significant chance he's going to be there for 10 yrs or more, possibly for the rest of his life.  He said that if I wasn't ok with the "worst-case scenario" then we should stop now.  I threw out ideas of setting a 5 yr goal end date, asking if he could work remotely near me for the quiet part of the year (winter for his field), anything.  He shot them all down.  If he could just be 5-6 hrs from me, I think it would be so different...11 hrs is just too much.  So, I have to choose between giving up the fun of our visits and our daily calls, our future and the past 4 yrs of my life (2 local, 2 ldr) or being in this relationship where we will probably not live together until I'm in my late 40s.  (I have small kids and custody issues and can't move until they graduate.) 

He's my best friend, and I've had to take off work because I've been so upset about losing him.  Rationally, I know I deserve more and deserve a real life with someone who puts me as a priority.  I feel like he should be willing to look for something else in another few years if it means being together.  I would give up ANYTHING except my children for him.  I know his career is his child, but in the end it's work. 

I haven't been totally happy, especially the last 6 mths when I started losing hope that he was considering other options.  Our talk Sun just confirmed my fears.  I don't know what to do.  I want to hang in there, but he pointed out that it will be harder to end us a year from now.  He doesn't want me to stay and then be hurt in 5 yrs when we are no closer to being together. 

What do I do?  I'm leaning towards staying together because the other option is too painful.

-Gal

I'm sorry your talk didn't go well. As much as the idea of ending things hurts right now, he is right that it will hurt more further down the road.

The fact that he shot down all of your ideas and didn't come up with any ideas of his own to help resolve this issue says a lot about his stance on the relationship. He is fine with being LDR and doesn't seem like he really wants to end the distance. You aren't fine with it though and you want it to end.

I understand you reasons for not being able to move. Do you really want to wait years before moving with him. Do you honestly think the relationship will last the way it is? You said that you haven't been happy for 6 months now, so although it will hurt to end things, why continue down a path that is making you unhappy?

I'm sorry things aren't going well, but I think you know what the answer is, you just don't want to admit it to yourself.

In the end, you have to do what will make YOU happy. (((HUGS)))

Thank you to mom2jess_n_ky for my beautiful siggy!                                                                                                                                                                                           

I know, that's the problem.  I can see that I might be happier in 10 yrs if I free myself up to meet someone new than if I am still in this same position with DF.  But, it's sooooo good when we're together.  It's hard to imagine not having him around for Thanksgiving and Christmas this season. 

I just wish he would be more flexible.  He is doing what he wants to do, not matter how it affects me.  I told him I would stay if he would consider leaving in a few years.  He is starting a new "venture" at work and if it goes well, he could honestly write his ticket anywhere.  He said that of course he would look, but that he couldn't make any promises.  He said he is one of the highest paid in his field, then got mad when I told him that money and power weren't everything.  He said he wasn't saying it was, but I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to take away from that statement.  I asked him if he would leave if another company courted him with more money and higher position.  He said it wasn't that easy, unless he knew they were good long-term.  He took this job and built it from nothing, so I don't know why he's so concerned with long-term prospects now.  

I think he has just become such a part of this company, after 2+ yrs of struggling ot make it so successful, that he is too loyal to go.  He wants to decide what's happening with us, but it sort of feels like we are just one more problem to him at the moment while I feel like this is life-or-death to me.  I sort of feel like he's made his decision but won't admit it.  He doesn't want me to stay unless I'm okay with the "what-ifs" of the future.

* I know he sound awful, but he really does have great qualities.  This extended distance hasn't done us any favors, but we do talk multiple times a day and usually manage to see each other once a month.  He has my heart. 

I don't think you make him sound awful. It's just that the two of you are in very different stages right now in life. You are very family oriented and would do anything for your children and to make them happy. He is very career oriented and wants to do everything he can to be successful in his career. Under normal circumstances, that's a very admirable thing (especially in a time where a lot of people hate their jobs and could really care less about working other than the money). It just makes it extremely difficult for your relationship because someone has to budge and since you can't, that puts the ball in his court.

I know the decision to break up over distance is a tough one when everything else seems to go well between the two of you, but when you get to the point that you spend more days unhappy than you do happy, something needs to be done to change that.

Thank you to mom2jess_n_ky for my beautiful siggy!                                                                                                                                                                                           

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. FWIW, I can easily see this becoming the reality between myself and SO in a few years. I live in MA and cannot move because of sharing custody of my two kids with my XH, who is very involved in their lives. SO has just moved to Chicago with big plans (that he had before we met) to set down very long term roots there. He knows that I can't move there to be with him, and I know that however good things are between us, his very good reasons for moving there still are what they are.

So I'm in MA having my own life without him, and he's in Chicago having his own life without me, and we have no plans to change that at any point in the near future. Things are so good between us that I can deal with this unpleasant truth. The phone calls, text messages and web chat are sometimes the highlights of my day. The time we spend together for real is the BEST. Right now I am ok with the reality that we don't know when we can end the distance. But I know that I won't always be ok with it, and the ball will always be in his court. I do sometimes wonder if I'm missing out on the chance to have someone that I can share my every day with, but I push those thoughts away because of how wonderful the time that we do spend together is.

I don't have any real advice for you other than to follow your gut. How unhappy are you? If you don't think that he's on the same page as you, that's hard. I hope you can make a decision that brings you happiness.