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As a mom that chose to have a child, but also chose to work, maybe I can offer some perspective -

I had no interest in being a SAHM to an infant. I'd worked with that age group in a daycare setting, and learned quickly that caring for that age group is not one I can do for hours on end, day in and day out, without becoming drained and stressed. In my situation, with a spouse that works full time and attends university in the evenings, and no family or non-working friends nearby, the chances that I'd get enough of a break from infant care to maintain my composure were slim. I knew, for my health and in turn the health of my household, that it was best if I continued working under two conditions - that Nathan was happy with his childcare provider and I was happy with my job.

For the first twelve months, things were great. Nathan flourished at his daycare - the setting, the other kids, and the infant teachers were all right on. I was flourishing at work, as well. When I'd pick him up at the end of the day, we'd both be happy after our day apart and could spend quality (rather than stressed and drained) time together. Then my management changed and I wasn't so happy at work. Nathan also changed daycare rooms and after giving it some time he still wasn't adjusting well. I'd come home tired from work, and Nathan would be in meltdown mode a couple days a week due to a particular teacher. It wasn't a good situation for either of us, so at 18 months I became a SAHM.

I'd planned all along to stay home when he turned three because I wanted to spend some time with him before he started school. I knew that I could not only handle, but very much enjoy caring for toddlers and preschoolers, so I decided that even though it was happening sooner than expected it was the best option for us. It was still an adjustment for both of us - Nathan missed his friends at school and would ask about them often - he asks to go to school even now and I'm considering sending him to part-time care. I missed getting to have adult conversation and getting to work on different projects every day - since taking care of a home is not at all mentally stimulating. We've had to find our own groove, but it's worked out well for us. I'm thankful that we had the ability to do what worked for us, in our situation, and weren't forced to live in a way that didn't work as well for us.

I don't think that desiring help with infant care while I continued working was reason enough to not have had a child, or desiring to return to work and university after Nathan is in school is indicative of me choosing myself over him. Ryan knows that he would not be able to handle spending all day at home, so he's never considered being a stay at home dad - yet I rarely hear dads being criticized for choosing their career over their child in the way that moms are.  In our case, it isn't about choosing anything over our child, it's about being honest about our limitations and finding a solution that works for our family's best interest. There are always costs and benefits to analyze, but it is possible to strike a good balance between being parents and being individuals with roles outside the home. It's an issue that doesn't have to be all one way or the other, but one that people can adapt to work for their family as their needs change over the years, and that's something that the black and white debate misses out on. I think feeling that it has to be all or nothing contributes to so many families feeling stuck, rather than finding solutions and working toward them so that everyone involved benefits in some way.

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Sherene, as always you bring up very interesting points to consider.  I do agree that it's not as black and white as it may seem to some of us, especially those of us who have not been there.  I am truly glad that you seem to have found solutions that work for you and your family and continue to be open to the idea that it's a fluid thing and may change as your family's needs change.  I think it would be a better world if everyone was so thoughtful.

I guess for me it is still really difficult to understand why people want to have children in the first place, and I don't think anyone could ever explain that to me well enough because I just won't fully "get it", kwim?  But when I hear intelligent people who seem like fantastic parents (you) say things like "I had no interest in being a SAHM to an infant. I'd worked with that age group in a daycare setting, and learned quickly that caring for that age group is not one I can do for hours on end, day in and day out, without becoming drained and stressed." it makes me even more confused than before.  I feel the same way about infants, it drains and stresses me out to be around them and I have the added negative of not having any experience providing their care...so of course that would deter me from having kids, and I guess for you (and other parents) it is just different.  I've heard people say similar things about other stages (toddlers, teens, etc) and I guess in my mind, if a person wants kids super bad they don't mind any of those stages...but I hear from every parent I know that it's not the reality...there are tough stages to get through.  I dunno.

I also agree with you that the SAHM vs. SAHD expectation is sexist and unfair.  I still buy into it though.  Although my head tells me it can be either parent, yadda yadda...I still have kind of a traditional idea of how that "should be" and I'm a little ashamed of it, but I am being honest about it.  I used to think the SAHD setup could be awesome for some families...and I know it probably is, for some people out there, but I know 2 families where the dad stays home and I just don't think socially they are evolved enough to handle it because the moms always seem very stressed and resent their husbands.  Of course I also know dads in families with SAHMs who seem stressed and resent their wives.  What a mess.

I kind of wish I  hadn't brought up this topic because I think it's gone a little too far into "SAHM = right, WOHM = wrong" and I don't necessarily believe that.  Looking around me, I see a lot of dysfunction in families where the kids are not thriving in their situation (daycare, school, babysitters, etc) and the parents are not thriving in their work situation either (totally overworked, over-stressed, miserable, resenting each other).  It seems like a lot of the problems I see amongst parents/families with kids seem to stem from 2 working parents, and the families where 1 parent stays at home just seem to run much more smoothly and happily.  If I knew more SAHMs who seemed miserable and unhappy, my attitude on this would probably change a lot.  The SAHMs I've known seem to be pretty sleep-deprived and miserable but only for the first year and then they seem thrilled.  Meanwhile I hear all of my coworkers crying about missed milestones and wishing they could be with their kids more.

I don't think you need to regret bringing this topic up - there's a lot for all of us to learn about making families work in modern society. I hope by responding to the turn that was taken away from the OP we're able to continue discussing without exacerbating it into a heated topic. I like being able to hear other thoughtful perspectives, and to offer my own, so that maybe we can all understand a little more where everyone is coming from.

I can completely understand your confusion about why a person would choose to have a child - it seems like a masochistic thing to put oneself through! I agree that it's something that rationally makes no sense. I didn't go through baby fever or that great longing - it was always something I wanted to do someday but it hadn't become an immediate desire - so I too don't fully comprehend the ferocity with which some people desire a child.

I also see too many unhappy families, of all types. I sometimes wonder if our American desire for freedom of living apart from extended family has crippled our ability to be able to raise strong nuclear families. I'm sure there were a different set of stresses and complications from sharing the same roof with so many people, but at the same time having extra people around to assist with child rearing and add to the household income must have it's benefits since it's so common among cultures that seemingly have such strong family ties.

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Forget it.  I am really fired up but after reading Sherene's most recent post, she is right and I don't want to turn this into a heated debate.