Domestic Abuse: New Beginnings

I had a scary incident here at my house yesterday. Between leaving my abuser and being with the man I am with now, I dated (another) biker for a short time. I got really really hung up on him. There were issues and red flags from the get go. We weren’t having problems like fighting and arguing, but we were still in that “honey moon” period. And although his issues were different from the last guys I had been with (my #1 tormentor in particular) there were issues non-the-less. He was familiar and would ultimately become my next “fixer-upper” if the relationship had gone on any longer.

Luckily for me, he left (the State!) and I met Tommy. But he tried to contact me after the “break-up” through text messages and emails and I gently shot him down. Then I started ignoring him. My phone number and email address changed. I thought that was the end of the story. Nope…. A few weeks ago a friend of his came by to “tell me” that Mark had been trying to contact me. I told him that I knew that Mark was trying to contact me and that I wasn’t interested. The friend was very polite and left. End of story?? No…… Yesterday he drove by the house on his motorcycle. I heard it from a half mile away! He came by my drive way, slowed way down just past it, REVVED the motorcycle several times and took off. I heard his bike go all the way to the stop sign (about ¾ a mile) stop, and come back. At that point I had no idea who it was but I KNEW he was coming back here. I knew that angry sounding motorcycle had something to do with me. This time he pulled in the bottom of the drive way. Tommy and I were both in the yard and I FREAKED OUT!! I couldn’t believe my reaction yet I had NO control over it at all. I was scared and READY TO RUN AND HIDE!! Mark never came up the driveway. Instead he turned and left. Maybe THAT will be the last of him. I can only hope……

For a LONG time afterward I was really freaked out. Tommy was feeling weird because I was acting so weird. I couldn’t even begin to explain to him what was happening because I didn’t fully understand it myself. But since then I have been studying it and I have come to the conclusion that it is still part of the whole PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder). To me it wasn’t just one guy that didn’t want to let go that pulled in my driveway, it was all the men in my life that hurt me. It could have been anyone, it could have been no one. But I still reacted as if some violent incident was about to occur…. To me. Why not? Its happened time and time again that way…… I don’t want to live that way.

It took five years for me to get away from Ricky and I truly believe that he is in the top of the list of Potentially-Lethal-Abusers. Not only is he highly volatile so are his friends. These are people that truly prove the theory that birds of a feather flock together. These are Old-School bikers that give all the bikers a bad name. I can not tell you how many times that I’ve been beaten, straggled, deliberately run off the road, kept from getting medical attention, held hostage, kidnapped, and blackmailed when I would attempt to leave and often times the worst stuff happened while in the company of his friends. So when that bike came by here yesterday I reacted. I reacted as if someone was about to come in fast and do something really bad.

I tried to tell Tommy that I wish he had just come in the yard and we would have dealt with it on the spot. But that didn’t happen. It was scary……

Tommy has been wonderful to me and the kids. But as much as I want to tell him everything about me, I am very reserved at times. There are a lot of things that I would like for him to know. These are the things that would help him understand why I do some of the crazy things that I do. But then there are huge chunks of my past that I don’t want him to ever know about. I believe that he wants to understand and wants to help me leave that part of me behind. But I can’t make him understand what I myself don't understand. I feel like the little boy with his finger in the dike. If I let some of it out the whole thing might come crashing down around me.

I believe that there are some things that we experience in life that don’t necessarily define us as people. My abuse started when I was very small. My black outs started when I was very small. It was my only defense. I have flash backs at times and drift off into a scary place and he knows when my mind goes there. He almost always will say something to me and I’ll snap out of it.

I don’t ask a whole lot of questions about his past because I don’t want him asking me a whole lot of questions about mine. I feel like my past is more shameful even though throughout my entire life I have tried to be so good….. I am ashamed of some of the things that I have had happen to me and I am afraid that if I tell him to much he’ll stop loving me.

My abuse still goes on in my head. The day to day psychological mind-screw that went on for years coupled with the physical reminders that my life is very fragile. Its been 8 months since I began my journey and at times I have almost convinced myself that I’m done with my work and I’m whole and ready to begin a new more stable life. The white picket fence dream…… but days like yesterday are strong reminders that I am still just a scared little girl waiting for the next really bad thing to happen.

Vicki

Bless your heart hun, I'm concerned and I honestly think you really are going through PTSD. Granted I'm not a clinician and can't rule that out officially, but it does sound like you are going through PTSD. I know you went to the support groups but have you inquired about getting counseling for the PTSD? There is also a board here on iVillage called PTSD and the CL there is a fab lady and I consider her a good friend. I love her to death and she is one of the most caring & sincere ppl on here. We call her Poppy but she goes by libelulle. You can visit her PTSD board if you want, just click on this link: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhptsd and it will take you straight to her board. She really is a wonderful lady. But hun, given what you described, your emotions are running really deep and you may need to seek counseling to help you cope w/this because you don't want it to eat you alive, know what I mean?

And in regards in talking about your past......there's no rush. You talk about it when you are ready. And when the times comes for you to talk about your past, I doubt he will love you less and I doubt he will leave you. I remember when Gabby a couple of years ago posted on here when she and C were dating (they are engaged now), she finally decided to tell him about her abusive ex. The result? Well, like I said, they are still together and plan on getting married. Meaning, her fabulous man C, didn't flip out and he didn't run away and leave her. If your man really cares about you and he sounds like a great guy, he's not going to think of you any less. That's the voice of your abuser running through your head because you had to go through it for so long.

Why not stop by Poppy's board or call the shelter where you went for your support groups and see about talking to someone about your PTSD? We care an awful lot about you and we don't want to see this eating away at you ok? Do keep us posted. We got your back hun. (((((HUGS)))))

A delay is not a denial - keep praying.