Domestic Abuse: New Beginnings

Hi,

I've been married for 6 years to an alcoholic. Most of the time my husband is a happy-go-lucky guy, but he crosses the line into sarcastic/mean/nasty when he's had way too much to drink. I was also an alcoholic for the first 3 years of our marriage but after a particularly bad weekend, I quit cold turkey and never looked back.

While I was drinking I would get this rage thing going on to the point where I'd become physically threatening and/or begin to push and shove him. There were a couple of times that he'd push me back and twice that he laid me out on the floor to keep me still... but he never hit me.

Well, three weeks ago that all changed. We'd argued over something he'd said to his daughter in front of me. I was upstairs trying to get his son to go over to a friend's house because I knew things weren't looking good. I was talking way too loud. I was so disgusted with what had been said and how it had been said. He really, really hurt his daughter. His son, 13, was telling me that it is a Sunday thing. Dad's always drunk on Sunday. We should just leave on Sunday. I was saying that we shouldn't have to leave our house because the man can't control himself and his drinking... when my husband came up the stairs and slapped me across my face. I asked why he'd done it and he said that I had it coming. I've had it coming for years. I told him that he could discuss it with the cops and proceeded to call 911.

I've lived in abuse most of my life. I was physically, emotionally, sexually abused as a child. I married 2 abusers in a row... this is my third marriage. I feel like I don't know which end is up any more. There are parts of me that are completely broken. There are other parts of me that just smile and act like nothing has happened. We go to court in another 2 weeks. I don't know if he's just acting wonderful until after that time or what.... That's not really fair, he does seem to be talking more and drinking less, which is wonderful. I guess my question is... is it me? Am I bringing out the worst in these men? Or is this okay in some remote part of the universe that I'm not in touch with? Or am I just crazy for staying here, hoping that it will never happen again?

Anybody else ever feel like this? Is it possible to stay and make it work?

Thanks for any input....
mara

Hey there Mara and welcome, glad you posted :-)

I can honestly tell you, that my ex, is an abusive alcoholic and I went back to him three times. And each time he lead me to believe he had changed. Well, to put it bluntly,...abusers don't change. They really don't. Oh sure, they swear up and down that they have and they will do this and they will do that to make it better, but it's only temporary. These abusers never change. And of the years I've been on the abuse boards, I've yet to see ONE abuse change. And statistically stating, only one percent of abusers actually do change, and that is through a batterer's intervention program and long terms counseling,.....which I have yet to see work because the abuser cannot committ to long term counseling. There was a poster who used to come here, and not sure what ever happened to her, I can only hope and pray for her sake that she is alive and ok. Her abuser went to a batterers program and got counseling,......and it didn't work because as soon as he was done, weeks later he resorted back to his old self and she was so hopeful that her abuser would be that one percent that would change, but to no avail.

As I stated, my ex was a raging, abusive, alcoholic. I don't know when he was at his worst, when he was drunk or sober. But I could only put up with it for so long. Either I stay and continue to be his verbal dumping ground or punching bag,....or I become another statistic. I too, was abused as a child by my mother who used me as her punching bag (literally) and that woman beat me until I was 18. So unfortunately, I've dealt with both brunts of abuse.

But, the thing is, you have to start living for you and the kids and you have to ask yourself if you truly want to continue to live this kind of hell. Do you and your kids really deserve this kind of life? It's not your fault you get drunk, you don't deserve to be hit by him. A real man won't hit a woman, a real man won't slap a woman, a real man won't come up the stairs dog drunk and slap you and tell you that you had it coming. All of that is inexcusable and you didn't deserve it. No one deserves to be abused, period.

I hope that others will chime in but do read as much as you can on abuse. The more you read and post, the more knowledgeable you will be in understanding the dynamics of abuse. We are here and we care. (((HUGS)))

     

               

Wishful,

Thank you for your honesty. I guess I already knew the truth, but it's good to see it in black and white. No, the kids don't deserve this kind of life... but they're his kids, not mine. It's time to make some changes here, and I need to start by changing me.

I appreciate the support,

mara

I'm glad to see that you realize that it's now time to start taking care of you. You have already made that first step, realizing that it's time for you now and not him. You may want to contact a local DV center in your area and speak to someone about counseling. Often times they charge on a sliding scale or of no cost to you. If you don't feel ready for doing face to face counseling, you can always start off with attending support groups and you don't have to get up there and talk about your whole life story on the first day. You never know, you may meet some new friends, you just never know. And also check out the board website when you get a chance. The link is down in my sigline, just click on "dealing with domestic abuse & helpful resources" and it will take you straight to the board website.

I do hope you continue to post and visit because that is where you will draw your strength :-) Even when we merge over to the Recognizing & Dealing w/Domestic Abuse board, you are still more than welcome to come on by and post because I will still be there, too. And it's where I first started five years ago when I was the abusive ex.

Give yourself a pat on the back for wanting to take care of you, it's never too late. (((HUGS)))