Domestic Abuse: New Beginnings

Hi all. Most of my posts are on the board Problem solving for couples where I was talking to a CL over there who truly opened my eyes. Here is a link if you are interested

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=10342.1&ctx=0

I started out posting because (ex) DH and I were having problems and I really thought it was all me and that I was just being jealous (he was going out a lot at night w/ "friends" and leaving me at home with our two children, he was not working while I worked full time and then I would come home to a dirty house). I was taking on a lot. We had only been married four months when I found out he was cheating. After a couple posts on that board I posted that I found out he was cheating and that I wanted a divorce. We have been together a total of five years on and off. In 2004 he became violent one night (he had been violent with me before, but never like that) and I ended up in the hospital. I called the cops on him and got a three month restraining order.

After a few months he came back to me with all these promises and pretty much said exactly what I wanted to hear and I took him back. He never again put his hands on me, but I guess in his in his own way he was still abusing me, I just didn't recognize it and maybe I still don't see all of it because part of me still does not recognize it. However, the CL on the relationship problems board saw a lot of red flags from my very first post and told me to pretty much get out of that relationship, I was shocked and surprised, but I'm glad now.

Since I asked for a divorce he has definitely come back pleading for me to take him back. He came back with promises of change, said he started going to counseling, to church, he has turned over a new leaf, that he will buy me that house I wanted, that he will help me through school, that our kids need us together....the works. It made me feel guilty for leaving him (which is exactly what he wants I learned) but I know now that his promises are empty and that this sweet guy he is being now will only be around for so long.

Anyway I am looking for a good counselor to go to now because the one that I was seeing only gave me advice on how to help the relationship grow and never recognized the abuse. How can I find someone that is certified in this??

Thanks!

Welcome to the board amandaskids, glad you found us & posted.

Tengle is right, contact your local DV center or contact the tollfree DV hotline @ 800.799.SAFE and they can give you additional resources as well.  Getting in touch w/your local DV center, they can refer you to one of their DV counselors in which I highly encourage you to do.  speaking to someone who is certified in abuse, speaking to someone who understands the dynamics of abuse will  help open your eyes.

Your H sounds like a common & classical abuser and you don't have to continue to live like that.  When an abuser realizes they are loosing control, they play the nicey nice routine which is what is called the "honeymoon phase" of the abuse cycle.  You see, the abuse cycle never ceases, it's a constant loop that never ends and it's repetitive.

Please check out the board website when you get a chance.  The link to the board website is down in my sigline, just click on "dealing w/domestic abuse & helpful resources" and it will take you straight to the site where you will find tons & tons of helpful information.  But do keep reading and posting because the more you and read and post about abuse, the more knowledgeable you will become on it. 

And don't foger to see cmstephanie's thread in the folder regarding the board merger because we will be merging in a matter of days so I hope you will come by the new board and keep us updated because I don't want you getting lost when we merge.  :-)