May-December Relationships

I'm so frustrated...

We've been dating off and on since 1999. We've had other issues and work to overcome them (communication for one). Now as we get older, the bigger issues appear to be founded on our age differences/generation gap. Is anyone out there going through this in our age ranges? Because a 20-something person is NOT going through the same things I am at 40 (sorry, but it's SO true).

He says I've always known his "age", but we were looking at different things along the way. Now that we are talking future, we are worlds apart (we're not married or living together at this point, but see each other almost every night). It's no longer about compromise, it's come down to sacrafices. The sacrifices range from giving up good sex (if any at all...he has no libido, and what's left is half mast or less time than it takes to make popcorn...or he won't take the viagra he has a 'script for) to where we'll be in 10 and 20 years while I'm still in the midst of a promising career and he wants to recreate the entire run of "Green Acres" on family property in a small town in another state as soon as possible.

When I'm retiring at 65, he'll be 81. I'll be ready to tootle off to see lighthouses and travel to Europe...of which he says he has no interest in now...much less later...and says if I leave him because of this that I am shallow. Huh?

Is it fair for me to give up my dreams and goals? Is it all about age or also about compatibility...or is it both? Perhaps if we had a stronger bond, apparently more common interests, the age wouldn't matter, or I could live with being a widow at a relevantly young age and go off with all my gray-haired lady friends to see the world. What I really want is a better chance of being able to share that with my man. (Hypothetically being similar in age, healthy and nothing happens to either until we are both one foot in the grave at like...90 which is my average ancestor age of death).

Any thoughts to repair this or do I just cut my losses - be glad it's now and not later when we both have a chance to find love and dreams with someone else? There's guilt - he says I'm the one...and I say, there's more than one fish in the sea...it just might be harder finding it with the bait and pond size we are left to fish with/in! OR maybe I just end up being the old lady with lots of cats...but at least I will have called the shots!

Any words of wisdom appreciated.

You have used words like "worlds apart" and "sacrifices" in your posting. Those are strong words.

It seems that the two big issues for you is having sex with him and traveling. The traveling you can do with other people.

The other issue you mentioned is guilt. Now I see that as a useless, life sucking feeling that you can control for yourself. You can use that as an excuse to stay in the relationship or not but don't put it on him for that.

It sounds like you are asking for validation for something you already know, i.e. not being with him anymore. You have made a strong case for that in your posting. Listen to yourself. Re-read your posting and what would you tell yourself if you were someone else reading this?

Mark

I can somewhat relate to what you are going through. I am 38 and my DH is almost 65. For the past year we have been dealing with his semi-retirement and now his desire to fully retire. I in the mean time bust my butt working full time 40+ hours per week with a 3 hour daily commute. Things would be better for us if he would be more willing to do the daily household chores so I don't have to do them all. He feels and has told me that if he does the daily chores all's he feels like is a full time maid. That should be total crap. In my eyes, it's him helping me, being considerate to me.

We have had our share of communication issues too along the way. I have learned to accept the fact that he is not a huge talker. We have made improvements with communication.

As for your post, only you can really decide what is best for you and this relationship. Do you love your SO enough to over look the differences, and try to work out compromises so that you can live in harmoney? Or do you feel these issues are to big to get over and want to move on with your life without him? Not everyone can handle the differences or different life phases in M/D relationships. I've had a real hard time adjusting to the retirement phase, but an learning and really trying because I love my husband, I am commited to our relationship.

Susan

While you didn't want advice from "twenty-somethings," I thought you could maybe use the empathy from someone who anticipates being in a similar situation - just a little further on down the road. I'm 28 and my bf is 43 - I've just started thinking about what it will be like when he's, oh, 70 and I'm still only 55 and raring to go. And hell, maybe he lives to 90, but at 75 I would still have at least another 10+ years to live by myself. This makes me wonder about the wisdom of continuing the relationship. And I've had the same thoughts as you - are my doubts about the age thing only or is compatibility really the issue? For me, there is some of both.

Ultimately, only you can decide, but I will say that your post indicates you may not be getting everything you need from this relationship. If that's the case, why wait until you're 65 and he's gone to pursue what you want out of life?

Jeez, I give better advice to other people than I do to myself.... :)