May-December Relationships

Well its been a while since my last post and alot has happened and now I am back for more advice.  I ended up moving out the beginning of may to take a step back and really figure things out for myself by myself as to whether I can see myself in the long run wanting a child or being okay with not.  After 8 long weeks, I really did alot of soul searching and decided that I do not want to live life on the constant "what ifs" what if I want a child 5 years from now, what if I never want children and I give up this relationship what if because he is much older he gets sick and I have to take care of him what if i have to take care of my parent someday, who is going to take care of me, etc etc etc.  Long story short I decide that I dont want a child right now, and i dont even know if i will so I dont want to continue the what if game so I talk to him we decide that we want to spend our lives together and move forward together.  He also said after having time apart to really think about things, he has come to the conclusion that if i really needed to have a child to fulfill my life we could examine our options at that point.  Although he did go ahead with the VAS while we were apart.  I am willing to accept that and be happy with it.  So for the past 2 and half months we have gotten along better than ever.  When we got back together we were both very honest about our wants, and our expectations of the relationship and also were very honest about what we had done while apart.  He had been cheated on in the past and we always said that we would always be honest with one another so that if some wrong doing was done, we would not hear it from someone else.  I told him that I had talked to some guy friends about the situation, did not see or go on a date anyone, etc etc b/c I was really trying to figure out what I really wanted. He said he didnt talk to anyone about it, just his guy friends, his family, and that he didnt see any women, wouldnt dream of it b/c of how much he wanted me to reconsider and come back to him to spend our lives together (he had asked me to marry him and come home on a daily basis promising we could have an amazing life etc etc) so once we got back together like I said things have been going great, although little things here and there would bother me but hey no relationship is perfect right...things like he wouldnt call on his way home (always used to do that) would go out in the garage to talk on phone whenever someone called him, just little things, that i started to get suspicious about.  So back when he thought it okay for him to "snoop" through my checkbook of receipts b/c we live together and shouldnt have anything to hide, i remember him telling me i could always look at anything of his,,,,so I did, I looked at his cell phone bill, I was suspicious, and I will admit it and I know I was wrong but I would do it again b/c of what I found out.  Contrary to what he said when we got back together, I find on his bill that he had been talking and texting excessively (everyday) for hours at a time with an old "booty call" of his from when before him and I were together.  I also know this person and thats why I recognized the number.  It started the day I told him I needed to take some time for myself and ended the day I told him I wanted to talk about us getting back together.  All of the calls/texts were late night 10pm or later so that leads me to beleive late night, booty call again....and since I know for a fact they used to sneak around before because he told me so, I couldnt help but think they had this time too. So I called him on it, I asked him one last time to be honest and tell me the truth if he had been talking to or seeing someone while we were apart he still said no, and then I told him i looked at the bill.  He immediately said he didnt do anything wrong and that if i look through his things that i shouldnt be with him anyways,,,,but it was okay when he did it.  So after 2 days of cooling off, he is now calling me telling me that he is sorry he made a mistake, he should have been honest but he knew i would flip out, and i asked him why he did it, he said she was a neutral party and he needed someone to talk to....how is someone you used to sleep with neutral??? and if she is such a good friend, and it was so innocent why didnt he just tell me......so now he is telling me that he will do anything he can to prove i can trust him wants to spend his life with me etc etc, asking me to marry him and come back to him, but at this point I just feel like i cant forgive,,,I mean even though we werent together, he still lied to my face repeatedly, and I feel that I made a huge decision when i came back in the first place b/c i loved him enough to sacrifice the potential of if i ever wanted a child as long as I was with him it would be enough....I am stuck.  I shouldnt really be considering giving him ANOTHER chance right?  i just dont know how i would ever get past the betrayal and be able to beleive him when he tells me anything else....sorry this is so long, but I would soooo appreciate some "neutral" advice. 

Many thanks!!!

Ok here is my take. The fact that if she was a neutral party and you were back together then he wouldn't need to go to the garage and talk to her. If she was really neutral she would understand you two were together and not feel to call later or anything and wish him the best. I mean there are times when you need to talk and don't want your partner to hear (like if you are planning a surprise party, buying a gift, etc), but it doesn't sound like that.

There are guys that I used to "hook" up with that James knew about and we were friends. However if I talked to them it was in front of him to not raise suspicions. Nothing was going on anymore just friends.

I raise my eyebrows when anyone needs to snoop. Its never good and leads to hurt in the end because more often or not if you have to snoop something is usually found and it causes more problems. This is something you have to decide what is worth it for you. Is this something you can fully forgive and move on from or not. Only you know what you can and can't deal. Don't settle and make sure you do what makes you most happy in the long run.

Just my 2 cents! :D

Hey Katie - thank you for your input, I know what is right for me, and I know that it will be very hard for me to trust again given that this has happened.  I think its just making the decision to let it be over for good is the hardest part.  And it makes it even harder now since he is telling me he will do whatever it takes to prove I can trust him again, but I just feel numb inside, if that makes sense.   I wish you all the best as well, and again I am so sorry to hear about James.

With many thanks, Heather

Hey There Heather!

I'm sticking my nose in as a "neutral party," lol.

I don't think the big issue here is the discussions with the "friend with benefits;" honestly, a lot of men will go out and play around if they are single, and whether he did or not should be water under the bridge.  You guys were broken up, and perhaps he was as fed up with the on-again, off-again indesisiveness of the relationship.  And he was craving female attention.  I was with someone with 8 years and when we broke up, he registered at Eharmony the following week and met someone else and married her after 3 years!  But that was the whole thing:  it was ME who wouldn't totally commit and kept coming up with "what ifs".  I think snooping through the phone was a way for you to come up with one more "what if" even though you abandoned all your former "what ifs."  And that's a sign that you just aren't ready to commit... not to him, and not to yourself, and not to anyone else for that matter.  He has every right to talk to someone else when you are broken up, and if you want to keep yourself in his "loop" than don't break up with him! 

The bigger concern is although you keep saying you'd made the decision to stay together, you cited several reasons that sounded more like half-hearted compromises than desisive choices.  And while I think it's nice that he agreed to having a baby with you, the fact that he got a VAS in the meantime shows that he is tipping the scales in his favor.  He is making desicions that don't include you, because you weren't there.  Again, if you want to be there, than be there.  If you don't, than walk away and let this guy get on with his life.

Of course he's mad that you snooped in the phone, but don't think for one second that doesn't come out of guilt for not telling you the truth.  But likewise, he knows it's just one more "gaslighting" technique/excuse you are using for not commiting 110% to this relationship.  And now he's worried that you'll use his natural reaction to being single (i.e. seeking out a new life, old friendships, finding a way to pass the time) against him.  It sounds like he loves you very much and just wants you to make up your mind either way. 

And as far as the "FWB" situation goes... I had guy friends who fell into this catagory, and if I was single again, I would call them if they would have me, because I would want to seek comfort with someone else while I was lonely and get their opinion on what happened, not because I would be like, "yahoo, now I can have sex with other people!" because trust me, if I wanted still to fool around with other people, I wouldn't commit myself to my SO.  So think about where he is coming from and get very honest with yourself about what you want.

Good luck!  :)