May-December Relationships

Hi Everyone,

I'm new here and happy to find a board out there for people in May-December relationships. I'm 30 and my husband is 53. We have already been through quite a lot together in our five years but we're best friends and I know we'll be together forever. I think we were both really lucky to find each other and sometimes I know I do have some insecurities with our age difference (mainly because in the beginning, my family totally treated it as though it was nothing but a fling or affair or something). Anyway, we didn't have to deal with anything like children from other marriages because neither of us had them. Together though we've had three of our own already and want to have more.

I guess my main thing that I was hoping to find some support about is pretty much the entire time we've been together, my DH has had constant health problems. And not just things like colds or flus or something minor. The first year we were together, he had a heart attack. Then four months later, he had another heart attack. Luckily, both of these were not at all severe, doing no damage to his heart, though it sure did to mine. I think I spent more time recovering emotionally from it, than he did physically. A year later, he had to undergo hip replacement surgery. I knew that was coming even before the heart attacks so it wasn't as much of a blow though still stressful. We had had our firstborn by then and she was only 6 months old, and we had just found out I was pregnant with the second. So, trying to tend to the baby and my DH through morning sickness was needless to say, stressful. After the hip surgery went through successfully though, I felt so much better for our family. Then came the next horrible blow. Less than a year later, he was diagnosed with cancer, right after our second was born. Imagine the high of having a baby, then a month later getting news like cancer. While, it was treatable and actually quite curable, I was beginning to feel like my heart was about to burst out of my chest. I love my DH so dearly, I would do anything for him. I felt so selfish feeling the way that I did when he was the one having to endure all of these illnesses. I just felt so alone in so many ways. My family had been wretched over the idea of our relationship so I pretty had to cut them off since they couldn't be nice, and his family was far away and in their 80's already. I was having to tend to two tiny babies now and my DH with absolutely no help. We didn't have much money anymore either to try and hire someone because of all the medical expenses we were going to have to have. DH was terrifically understanding and supportive and offered me all kinds of emtional help when he could but when the radiation and chemo really got going, he couldn't do quite as much. I remember he found me on the floor in the middle of night in front of the babies crib sobbing because she wouldn't stop crying and i hadn't any sleep in ages. Then they said chemo might keep us from having more children, we panicked that we wouldn't have anymore and tried to have the third before chemo started. I was pregnant just three months postpartum from the second baby. We were happy, but by then, I was beginning to feel like - I don't know, a range of things that were beyond stress and trepidation. Here was I was, two babies, a DH in cancer treatment, enduring morning sickeness and no one to help. Then Six months after the cancer treatment, three months after our third was born, DH's gallbladder went. I had to send him off in the middle of the night in an ambulance because I couldn't manage everyone all by myself. He was surgery all over again but came through it all, somehow maintaining the cheerfulness that made me fall iin love with him in the first place. Now, six months later, his cancer has returned and it's the surgery again. And my thyroid has gone out of whack, apparently from the last pregnancy but sometimes, I feel like it's partially stress.

I go back and read what I wrote and feel like I've been whining as though his health has been some kind of inconvenience to me or something and that's not how I feel. I love him so much, I feel like I am just hurting to death all the time. I've never loved anyone this much and I guess, it's just something that can happen once your body gets older. I'm the younger one so perhaps it's not as familiar to me.  I just don't know what to do anymore. I've been trying to seek out some mommy groups in my area so perhaps I can call on someone but haven't found anything yet.

Does anyone else have an older spouse that has health issues all the time or could just offer some supportive comments for me? I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel numb sometimes with grief and pain and am just not handling it as well as I'd like. Does anyone love their spouse so much that anytime somethign happens to them, it happens ten times worse in yourself? I feel like I'm the one with the cancer or the heart condition.

Thanks for any support...

Hello and welcome to the board! I'm 48 and my DH of nine years is almost 29. We both have chronic health conditions. I live every day with five different chronic illnesses: fibromyalgia, diverticulosis, irritable bowel syndrome, lichen sclerosis and hypothyroidism. He has several birth defects: spina bifida, scoliosis and mitral valve prolapse. He has never known me as a 100% well person. I've been ill the entire 11 years that we've known each other. And none of my illnesses stem from my age. I know people in their 20s with fibromyalgia, for example. They are all interrelated, however.

DH's mother, who is only 14 months older than I am, has been chronically ill all her life. Her doctor told her that when she 11 years old that she would not reach 30. She will be 50 in December. DH's father was in the military and was not home for long stretches of time, so DH had to be the man of the house at an early age. Having grown up with a mother whose list of illnesses is longer than mine taught DH responsibility at an early age. So it didn't really bother him that much to learn that I was chronically ill myself.

I am sorry that your husband has been going through so much, though please realize that people much younger than he is have heart attacks and cancer as well, so his being ill is not necessarily due to the fact that you married an older man. This could've happened even if you married someone your own age or even younger. I'm only saying this in case you were thinking in the back of your mind, "If only he wasn't older than I am, we wouldn't have this problem!" Unfortunately, we can't predict what all is going to happen to us once we get married and we never know when our health is going to take a turn for the worse.

Conventional wisdom says that when bad things happen people become more committed to each other, but that is not always the case. I've read people's posts on other boards where their marriages broke up because one of the spouses became ill or disabled and the other spouse simply couldn't handle it emotionally or couldn't handle taking care of the day-to-day needs of the ill spouse. And with three children to take care of as well, I know that it's worse for you in many ways.

While we here can lend you support, you need the kind of support that a face-to-face group can provide for you. Is there a support group in the hospital for spouses of cancer survivors? You can always ask at the nurses' desk or ask your DH's doctor. Do you attend religious services? If so, ask your minister/pastor/priest/rabbi if the church/temple/synagogue has support groups. You can probably find one through social services as well. Try these web addresses: http://www.cancerandcareers.org/women/appearances/support_groups/ http://www.cancer.org/docroot/MBC/content/MBC_4_1X_Finding_Support.asp?sitearea=MBC Here is the address for the support group here on iVillage: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhfamilyfrie http://www.intelihealth.com/IH/ihtIH/WSIHW000/8096/28913/341655.html?d=dmtContent

I hope that some of these can help you out. I know that whenever DH becomes incapacitated with his birth defects that I am terrified that he is going to end up in a wheelchair (which is very possible) or that his heart condition is going to become fatal and then what am I going to do? So I understand your fears. Another thing that you can do is to start a personal journal, one where you can safely express your fears and emotions. Sometimes all we need to do is let out what we feel and a journal is a good way to do so without hurting anyone's feelings. We can say whatever we want to and not worry about what others are going to think or say. You can also write letters to your husband, ones that you keep private, and let it all out, telling him how you feel when he has to go back into the hospital and how you feel when you have to take care of everything else because he isn't there to help you. You can tell him everything you need to say in a safe environment without causing him to become angry or feel guilty. I know that these techniques do work for me and they might work for you.

And of course, come here and vent and try out the support board that I listed above. Since they and their families are going through exactly what you and your family are facing right now, you might find them to be a good support system. They might also be able to alert you to some support groups in your area.

Please keep us posted on how things are going for you!

hi there,

i, too am the may in a may-december relationship and my older guy has minor health issues but nothing compared to what you and your husband have been through.

i really feel for you as its stressful, especially these big things that you guys have been through. and if your family isn't as supportive about your relationship, that is even more difficult.

regardless, it is hard when you love someone so much and their health isn't at the same point as yours. this is definitely something that i worry about with my older guy, as the thought of anything happening to him is absolutely heartbreaking.

i don't think that you're whining at all. you are dealing with a lot and its important to be able to vent and get some of this out. i wish i had more wisdom to offer you, but i am always more than happy to listen.

take care of yourself, okay?

sarah

Hi cl,

I want to thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to reply yesterday, right away but it's sometimes hard around here to get the time to do everything I need or want to do. I thought about the things that you said though and am just grateful for the supportive response. I know that age doesn't matter and that someone who was my age could be having health issues as well. I'm not really used to dealing with this sort of situation. The kind of life I came from before meeting my DH, was one of loneliness and absence of great love and care. I was ill in so many ways my whole life because my childhood was mostly mean and uncaring and abusive. I grew up without being able to really love and care for anyone - or more accurately, I *would* love and care for my family, as you know any child does, only to not receive anything but abuse in return. I even got into a previous marriage where I loved and loved and loved and was never given anything in return. I came from all these people who only cared about money and things and stuff. I was wishing my whole life for true love which is why I believe meeting my DH was the best thing that happened to us because we totally fit together in every way possible, no matter what our age difference is. We care about each other and family and think love is what's most important which is why is pains me so much to have the feelings that I do. It's funny, but in so many ways, being *truly* in love with someone has been more painful for me than to care about people who don't give a hoot. It makes it easier not to care quite as much if anything happens to them (which for some reason rarely did, it seemed) To see someone who means the world to you suffer this way, it hardly seems fair. I've blamed myself so many times, wonder if it was my fault. Am I not a good enough wife or mother that he could ever be ill? The moment I expressed anythign remotely like that, DH did tell me that that could never ever be the case and I know that he means it. He's never ever made me feel that way, but still in my frustration I am hard on myself. I will look at your links and I do have a personal online journal that I write in sometimes when I want my thoughts to be totally private. I do need some kind of support face to face as you suggested and hope to find something. One thing that has always been my own personal comfort is arts and crafts. Right now, I am crocheting an afghan in autumn colors during my occasional free time (which is when our children are sleeping). I also sew and paint and almost anything I feel like doing. Something about arts and crafts has always been my personal joy. I always turn to it whether I'm happy or sad. Either way, it helps.

Thanks again, I'll keep you posted or just come vent or talk.