It's been a while since I posted on here. I am 46 years old. My BF will be 21 in December. He pursued me for about a year, and told me he liked me for a long time, i.e., since he was a teen.
I expected the person I would end up with to be about my age, a professional, educated, and established in his career. I had been married to my college sweetheart who is all of those (we got each other to where we are today) and we have one child. My BF is only 7 years older than our daughter.
Unlike my ex-husband, my BF is very attentive and understanding of my needs. His feelings for me are unconditional and he is very loyal and thoughtful.
However, he is still starting out in life (plans to go to college when he is able to afford it), is struggling with bills, still lives at home, and just found a job. It is tough for me to stand back and let him find his own way. I have helped him financially, e.g., paying for our dates, lending (probably more like "giving") him money for some bills.
For you ladies who are older and more established than your partners, to what degree do you help your partners financially? Are you conscious of what other people think? Do people make comments or jokes?
I probably cannot have children any more, and am assuming this relationship will last. But I am giving it a fair chance?
Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated....
There is a 19 year difference between my DH and myself. It took him awhile to find himself and is a college student at the moment. He went directly from his parents' home to mine, so he didn't have any bills that I felt that I had to pay and I'm not paying his college tuition. I probably would've helped him out if he had a car payment or insurance or something like that, because I knew he wasn't mooching off of me. I was with a guy who could never hold down a job and he expected me to help him pay his child support. Yeah, right! That "relationship" lasted about six months.
It can be difficult to stand back and watch someone stand or fall on their own. You want to help him, but you don't want to mother him. Since your BF now has a job he can begin to make headway into paying his own bills. Are you two planning on moving in together any time soon? Or is he hoping to eventually get his own place and live on his own for awhile? I didn't have a problem with DH moving directly from his parents' home and into mine, though I know that other women would want the man to be more financially secure before they did that. Since you seem uncomfortable with the fact that he can't pay his own way yet, I'm assuming that you want him to be more set financially before you two live in the same home. I can see your dilemma. You want him to be able to pay his own way but yet you want to help him as well. And you don't want him to become financially dependent on you because that will not help him to find his own way. But if you don't help him, that will just delay the time when you can be completely together as a couple. It's a catch-22 situation. I think a lot of us older women get involved in that when we become involved with younger men.
I would say to help him out as much as you are comfortable with at this point. You do have to set limits, though, so that he won't begin to expect you to pay for everything. Since he has a job now and is earning his own money he needs to start taking some financial responsibility for himself. If he can't make a car payment one month and you want to help him out, then do it. Just don't let him take advantage of you. Since you've been with him for awhile now you know whether he will end up doing that.
I'm not conscious of what other people think about my marriage. The only person who matters to me is DH. He is the one I'm married to and live with every day. What other people think is of no concern to me. I've never heard anyone make any comments, but if they did, they would soon learn to keep their thoughts and comments to themselves.
Thank you for your reply and thoughts. BF is not moving in with me in the foreseeable future. I have helped him financially every now and then, but expect him to take care of himself eventually. I honestly doubt this relationship will end up in marriage. Perhaps I am already dooming it from the start. I am trying to take things one day and a time and enjoy what we have.
Taking it one day at a time might be the wisest course of action. I really wish that I had done that with my first husband. I think then that I would've never married him. I didn't do that with DH, since we'd met online and chatted, sent snail mail and e-mail and talked on the phone for a year before we met IRL. By the time we were actually together we'd already fought so hard to finally be together that we got married nine months after he moved in with me. I've never regretted that and I'd do it all over again.
Now whether or not you've already doomed your relationship with your BF or not, I don't know. On one hand, I think you might have, since you've said that you don't see this relationship ending in marriage. But perhaps your inner voice is telling you that things will not remain the same in the future, so you should just enjoy each day with him as it comes. Of course, not every relationship has to lead to marriage. Some couples go on for years without saying "I do." And there is certainly nothing wrong with that. As long as both people are happy with each other, then that's all that matters.
Dear Happy Bunny, Glad to see your name again. I too am the so called breadwinner in my relationship, being the December by 17 yrs. Almost 4yrs. in now. My BF moved straight in after living with his mother for 20yrs. I do not help my partner financially, I feel that is what his mother is for. It is so hard to know what is right and wrong because every relationship is different. I DO on the other hand pay for the majority of bills at the house. In the beginning I used to argue with him about money because I feel he didn't pay his fair share, but truly he had no clue what it took to make a household run. This was not his fault now 3 1/2 yrs later I have set it up where he pays certain bills. He pays elec., tv, we split car ins. and food. I pay mortgage, and propane gas. Now I know it makes him feel important and that he is helping out and it works for us. Mostly when we go out to dinner he pays. But I do treat too. I feel he needs to pay because the mortgage is a much more substantial bill than he has. I also have children and grandchildren. I do not believe in being a "sugar momma" and do want him to accept responsibilities as well. Now honestly this took a long time to get where we are today, but as with any relationjship I feel I make more money so I contribute more, he makes less so he contributes less. But he does contribute it most definately should not be a one way street!!!!
I am very much in love with this guy. And yes I do hear crap all the time. My people at work tease me calling him my "Boy Toy", and don't take my relationship seriously, or they call me "cougar". The longer we are together the more people realize it must be more!! But yes at first when we were together I felt funny in public and got looks, I didn't want to look like some "child mo". But honestly my BF and I have grown to like it and the attention. I love him very much and I know he loves me. I do possibly /maybe see marraige in the future. My only reservation is him leaving me for someone his own age in yrs. to come and he won't be physically attracted to me as i get old.(but that is another thread to start) Any ways good luck to you and hope u find this helpful.
LIFE IS GOOD. NOTHING LEFT TO DO BUT SMILE< SMILE<SMILE!!!
Love 
