Dating a Military Man

Hello,
I came across this message board while I was doing some research to try and help me gain a better understanding about what its like to be in a relationship with a military man. From what I've seen you ladies seem to be very supportive and knowledgeable and I am in need of some sound advice from women who understand that these men we love, in many ways are faced with and have been through things most people never have experienced and thus, cliche advice doesn't really help.

So heres a little about me and my man. He and I have been dating for a little while now and when we began our relationship, he had recently gotten back from his fourth and final deployment to Iraq ( 1 to Afghanistan and 3 times to Iraq). So I have only known him since he has been out of the army. He has served since he was 18 and is now 26. since the beginning of our relationship we have been head over heels for each other and the first few months we were for the most part spending most of our free time together. Right of the bat he mentioned to me that he had been diagnosed with PTSD and TBI and I understood what that meant but didnt really understand how overwhelming PTSD can be in a persons life, and how much it could effect a relationship.

What Im struggling with now is that our relationship seems to be taking a turn and it scares me because I feel like I'm losing him. He tells me hes sorry when he does things that hurts me,and that he does want to be with me, but lately it seems like he says all the right things but when it comes to action, he seems to struggle with following through and maintaining a connection between us.

I've done a lot of research on the symptoms of PTSD and what it can do to a person, but at times I'm not sure what to make of the things he does or says. for example he mentions that he really DOES love me and DOES want to stay exclusive with me but that he doesnt want to have to answer to anyone and doesnt want to be in a relationship. He does things like make plans with me and then either flakes on me or blows me off. Often i get blown off because he wants to spend time with his close friends and fellow soldiers ( which I understand because I've been told about the brotherhood they develop among friends during deployment and how they feel very comfortable and safe when they are with their fellow brothers) so thats fine with me.

It just hurts me a lot that our relationship seems to be changing and i feel a lot of the time like I'm losing him, or he is losing interest in me. I try not to take it personally but the distance between us seems to be getting worse each week.
I guess what Im asking is what do I do? the fact that he has PTSD and TBI ( from what ive come to learn) makes a relationship and our situation unique to those who also are dating men with PTSD. I just am not sure what to do or make of all this. I love him, and he tells me all the time he loves me, so I dont want to call it quits, especially if whats going on is mainly driven by him having both PTSD and TBI.
Ladies please help me understand, I could really use advice from women who are in a similar situation. Thank you all and God Bless

Hi there! Welcome to our little corner of the Internet. I'm Rebekah, and my husband, Jesse, is an Army veteran. I've been hanging out on this board for a number of years now, and it's really a great place for support and information!

While I haven't personally had to deal with the effects of PTSD, I have a couple of very close friends who have. It can really be an overwhelming and difficult thing to deal with, and, unfortunately, can end up being very detrimental to relationships.

A little while back, in the midst of quite a bit of discussion on PTSD, one of our members (Thanks, Mel!) compiled a pretty comprehensive thread with a bunch of information and links to other discussions we've had on the topic, as well as outside sources for support and information. I'd definitely recommend taking a look at that thread: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlmildating/?msg=32543.1

One word of caution for you ... while PTSD is a very real and serious condition, with very real effects on relationships, I've also seen many relationships during my time on this board where PTSD ended up being blamed for general bad behavior and/or problems within a relationship. Was PTSD a part of the problem? Many times, yes. But sometimes there were just normal relationship problems--like a bad match, or an immature or self-centered boyfriend--that were chalked up to PTSD. Obviously, I'm not familiar enough with you, your boyfriend, or your relationship to make any sort of judgment in your case. I would just encourage you to be realistic and discerning as you try to determine to what extent the challenges you're facing in your relationship are due to PTSD.

I'm glad you found us, and I hope you'll stick around!

Hi!! Welcome to the board! I'm glad you found us! I'm Steph, 22 living in NC. My husband, Adam is in the Marine Corps and is currently deployed.

Although, I have never dealt with combat related PTSD I have experienced it with my mother. She has struggled with depression and PTSD for a loooong time. I know how volatile it can be, and can't imagine going through it with a boyfriend or husband. I don't know quite enough about it to be able to give you advice, but I wanted to welcome you. I'm glad you found us, this is a great place to find advice and support. I hope you stick around!

Hello, and hugs!

I'm Mary and my guy is Ryan. Welcome. I wish I could tell you more about your situation. Thankfully a few of us on here have some great advice (MEL!!). You've come to a great spot for advice and support. Hang around!!

Thanks Karlimarie for my beautiful siggy!



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