Every week, I'll post a topic related to life near or in the military. For those who have "been there, done that" (and maybe even have the well-worn t-shirt hanging in the back of your closet), please post some your favorite advice or thoughts on the topic. For those who are new to it (or even not so new) and have questions, feel free to post those, as well.
This week's topic is: surviving separation
One thing I've realized is that, in the military, almost every family has to survive some sort of separation. Sometimes, it's just for a few days, sometimes a few weeks or months, and sometimes for a year or more. Sometimes, it's once every year or two, and sometimes, it's many times over the course of a year. And everyone seems to think the way they have it is the hardest.
But the truth is, separation -- no matter how long, how often, or with how ever much notice -- is just hard. Tom and I have been through everything from a few days in the field to a 15-month deployment, and while some goodbyes are harder than others, the one thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that 90% of survival is mental. Some days I lose the mental game, and some days I win, but overall, I'm most successful if I make a real effort to concentrate on what I have instead of what I don't and to view separations as opportunities to grow in myself and my marriage instead of as periods of stagnation.
I have to agree with 100% of what you said Mel : )
Seperations are tough, no matter how you slice them. As a survior of frequent times apart (we're approaching that amount of the spent physically together is equal to the time that was spent apart), the mental game figures prominently. Every night that I closed my eyes was one night closer to having Chris back with me. Every day that I woke up was one day closer. Having that kind of positive attitude helped tremendously. Also, I found that having faith (of your personal choice) helped as well. It gave and continues to give me, something to comfort, to cling to when the going got tough and I had no one else to turn to.
Also, with the advent of technology, the times apart can be enhanced. Even if you can't be physically together, "real time" conversations via IM (with or without webcams) or over computer phones like Yahoo voice or Skype help a lot. Message boards, like this one are a great source of support and wisdom. We have so many resources that may not have been available to military girlfriends/spouses/loved ones of just a generation ago.
There are plenty more tools for thriving during a seperation, but I'll let some other boardies take care of them : )
Currently, Tru and I have been physically together 69 days (and that's not even full days, some of those days are I had to be at the airport at 6 AM so the only time we got together was during the drive there) while we've actually known each other 536 days and been officially together 495 days. So I feel like I'm kinda used to the separation bit. lol
Technology has definitely saved me in several different forms. While I have one of those guys that rarely calls during a deployment (I haven't had an actual phone call since the end of July and haven't heard his voice at all since he left from his emergency leave the end of September), we talk regularly via instant messaging and sometimes I even get to talk to him for 4+/- hours at a time. My messenger is set up to where he can send me text messages, which were always a huge part of our relationship pre-deployment when we were separated by 1,000 miles. Webcam is nice, when we can get it to work, but just getting to talk to him and know he's doing alright is enough most of the time. I guess in a nutshell you have to really look at what you've got and be thankful for it, not wish you had more.
Of course there are other things that help, like surrounding yourself with the friends that are supportive, NOT the ones who have negative comments or make no effort to understand what you're going through, stay busy, etc. but the above is what has helped me the most. Knowing what to expect (on some level) and then accepting what you have and being thankful for it :)
I will second all the ladies who said that technology has played a big part. When Matt was deployed IM played a very very large part of our communication. Had it not been for IM and text messages to my phone there would have been months I went without talking to him. IM was much more accessable and normally a better bet to be able to talk longer then him calling.
Matt and I were semi-lucky in the aspect that we worked up to our 15 months of seperation. We did 2 weeks for a field exercise and then a month of training with no communication.
Couple of other things that I think were very important to our speration sucess:
1. being surrounded by people who are a good support structure. The gals on this board were a wonderful support while Matt was deployed. They kept me grounded on days I felt like I wouldn't make it. They were there for the ups and downs. Though most of these ladies I have never met in person I consider them a special set of friends that will always have a place in my heart. IF you have people who are constantly being negative and trying to tear things up with your seperation you need to seperate yourself from them.
2. I found it helpful to hand write notes to Matt while he was deployed. If I was missing him and really wanted to talk to him I could write things down on paper. This also gave me an outlite so I didn't miss telling him things that were going on back home. I know this was an important outlit for me and it was special for Matt to have those letters with him. I know many other ladies did blogs for their soldiers that only they could see. However, writing was just good for us.
3. Being posative I agree with Steph is important. Along those lines though you also have to allow yourself those days to cry and just get it all out. Seperation is not easy, you have weeks where you miss 3 chances to talk to you soldier and your allowed to cry. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you human.
Since all the good ones are gone ;) However, I will say that seeing a therapist is a tremendous help especially when your loved one may be dealing with something like PTSD. I waited too long to seek out help and we suffered some damage due to it.
I've been asked offboard about seeing a therapist and I do recommend it. It helps talking to someone that is neutral and can give you a fresh unbiased perspective. Even though all the people around you love you and want the best, sometimes their emotions toward you do NOT help solve other situations. Talking to a professional is not being weak or to be hidden, at least in my opinion.
I'll be honest, its the best free service I've received in the last 5 years and wished I would have done it alot sooner! (Being a wife, the Army pays for therapy and you can go off post if you want!)
Love 
