I met Dan (43 yo, I'm 38) 6 weeks ago on a dating website. Hit it off by online chat Monday. Exchanged numbers with a plan to talk Tues. Within seconds, we were completely at ease, making each other laugh, like we had been talking for years. We talked 3x that day and he asked me out for Friday. Since then, we have had at least an hour long phone conversation each day and several texts.
Our first date was great. Dinner and then we ended up closing down a local bar without realizing we had spent 6 nonstop hours of laughter and discussions about anything and everything. We have enough in common that it feels like I'm talking to a best friend and enough confidence in our differing opinions to express them and respect the other person. The very next night after our first date, he wanted to see me again and took me to meet his best friend of 30 years and his wife at a street fest. Once again, we went out after and stayed up talking til the wee hours. We've been together ever since - dinner dates, movies, out for a beer, hanging at home. I've met his 9 yo daughter and his parents. He just met my 14 yo son and 10 yo daughter this past weekend.
Everything has been going great - he's expressive, attentive, makes me laugh nonstop. He spends a good amount of his free time with me, although we still make time for friends and hobbies. There is no way he could be having time or energy to date anyone else, and he calls me his girlfriend in front of his family and friends. He has been travelling a lot for business lately, and he calls/texts/emails me during the day to let me know he's thinking about me and misses me. He is funny, smart, witty, creative, and seems to adore me.
I had to be hospitalized last week after an abnormal chest CT scan. He was away on business and called/texted all the time I was in the hospital until we got the results that my issue is treatable, not cancer but still an auto-immune disease that is manageable. It was during this time that he told me he loved me. And I told him I was falling in love with him too. All going great - right? Well here's my issue -
He took a while to pull his dating profile off the website and was still logging into it, even today. I pulled mine about 2 weeks after dating him, explaining that I wanted to concentrate just on him without other distractions. 2 days before my health scare last week, he told me that he wanted to pull his too. He said that he wanted to be with me, that he couldn't stand to be hurt again (he's been married before and spent a lot of time and effort investing in repair work of his marriage while his wife continued to have affairs), and that he wanted something that was forever. He was a bit buzzed, but he seemed to be speaking from the heart. Well, he hid his profile, as I have hidden mine. However, today I went to see when he had last logged on to see when he actually hid the profile. And I saw that he had logged on this afternoon to the site. Now, he can't be searched while it's hidden, but he can communicate with anyone he has put on his favorite list or has favorited him.
Do you think that it is just my trust issues (I also had a cheating husband) that makes me upset about this? Every time I think - actions speak louder than words - I look at all the things he is doing to show me he is falling in love with me, but I am stuck on this one minor transgression. I want to trust him so badly and I don't want to hold back anymore. I want to be free to believe in and love a man. Does this action of logging back into the site over the past few weeks supercede all the other actions that seem to say - he is falling in love with you - go for it? Or do I keep my guard up?
You've only known this guy for six weeks, yet you seem to have lived a lifetime with him. Kids, parents...already?
A few things I see: why are you logging on the site to check on him? Clearly there is a trust issue, and to me that is because something is nagging at you. If he is in love with you, why isn't he off the site completely? Why aren't you off the site completely?
I've been seeing someone for about the same length of time, maybe a little longer. He immediately stopped logging in, and I know that because I was still seeing other people at the beginning because I wasn't sure about him yet. But I noticed after about three weeks that he hadn't logged on for two weeks. Then I noticed he was gone from the site, not just hidden. I didn't have this discussion with him, he just did it.
We have not made any declarations of love, he hasn't met my kids, I haven't met his. We're still getting to know each other.
My last BF came on really strong, too, not making declarations of love, but getting mighty close. Then he pulled waayyyyy back, like none of the previous couple of months even happened. My emotions went through the wringer and it took a long time to get over it.
My advice is to slow down, make him take the lead as to where his intentions lie. I wouldn't keep checking on him, but I would suggest you ask him if he is still seeing other people, especially if you are sleeping together.
It's only been six weeks, so I understand your feelings and frustratation. Honestly, I would pull back from this and not put so much hope and energy into the relationship until things have progressed more. Let him do the walking, talking, and planning, and you sit back and see what happens. Give it a few months and see what happens on that.
Since you said he told you he wanted to pull his profile, but wondering if he has or hasn't, just kindly ask him again. Say "he remember when we talked about....well I was wondering what was going on with that. You definately have trust issues, and that's understandable.
I've been there myself when I've dated guys from online, some I dated for a while and still had there profile. It's possible he's checking it because it's sending him matches, or girls are sending him winks, and he's just looking. But at 6 weeks, he's still keeping his options open, regardless of what he's saying to you. But if it were 3-6 months, then you have every right to bitch and complain.
I met my husband online, and he was the last guy I dated off of there. He pulled his profile mainly because he had a 30 day trial. I had mine hidden, and then eventually after about 3 months, I wiped it clean and deleted it all together. I did check the site again to see if his profile was there, and it wasn't...and I didn't think twice about it.
One last thing to remember, it's highly unlikely that he's going to continue to talk to girls on the site while he's profile is still hidden, regardless if they are on a favorite list or not. If you think about it, that's just silly to try and hide anything that way. Check things again in a few more weeks, to see if things have changed. If he wants to commit to you, he'll wipe that thing clean...or totally forget about it. Remember he's not your husband, but you also need to keep your guard up still. Let him make more of a commitment to you, but back off for a while putting in all the extra energy and time, and let him work for it.
Oh, goodness, you guys are going WAY, way too fast! And getting your kids involved already--yikes!!
You simply do not know this man well enough yet to have the remotest idea of whether either his words or his actions can be trusted. Maybe in 6 months you'll begin to.
I can't tell you how many relationships I've seen (both my own and those of friends and acquaintances) that have started off like this and crashed and burned, usually between the 4-6 month point.
Stop trying to fast forward this and take exclusivity off the table for the time being. And YES, keep your guard up!! You'd be foolish not to, having known him for such a short time.
Thank you for your advice so far. I needed objective opinions because all my family and friends just want me to be happy. I believe they act like the amen choir on anything I say, which isn't helpful in the long run.
I agree that I have trust issues that need to be resolved with or without a relationship. I also agree that this has been an express train ride for me, and I need to slow things down. I think I'm going to try and just let him lead things and see what happens. Things will be a lot more obvious when he stops traveling for business next week. It will be interesting to see what the dynamic is like when he's only 40 minutes away instead of 2 states away.
Once again, thank you for all your advice and please keep it coming. It really does help to hear an outsider's opinion on the matter.
Love 
