MAS

Since having an affair, I have known others who went down the same path although the outcome was much different than mine.  A man we knew who had been married for many years (almost 30) had an affair, moved out of his home and talked about nothing but how horrible his wife had been and how great the sex was with the AP.  A few months later, he ended the relationship with his AP and went back to his wife.  He really doesn't seem happier but I think he is secure and comfortable with his wife.  Many times, people aren't' strong enough to leave and sometimes the person they had the affair with doesn't turn out to be who they thought they were. 

You are smart to have ended your marriage before going down this path.  I should have but didn't know how to do it as my children are still young.  With what happened, I didn't have much choice but my ex would have tried to work things out had I wanted to.  I didn't.  I knew things were never going to change for good.  Even so, I couldn't end the marriage until we were discovered.  I went through a horrible scandal in the community and it was very difficult to hold my head up and try to explain that they really didn't know how bad my life had been.  In fact, explanations really don't do any good.  It is best to just stay quiet and let time move people along.  They really do forget and get consumed with other gossip fairly quickly. 

Let me jump in here with my buddies btrue & Lynn.....my MM first started off with a "plan" about when to leave his W.  I was also married when we began our relationship, but separated and divorced fairly soon after our dday.  AP now BF had a few situations come up in his life courtesy of his now STBX that delayed his divorce.  Now.....his is moving along about as quickly as it can in the state we live in, which isn't fast by any means.  We don't live together, but go everywhere together as a couple.  Everyone in our circle of friends has been gracious and accepting of how our relationship began.  He is estranged from his DD for reasons unrelated to the A.  After a cautious start, my DS is now very comfortable with BF.  In fact, when DS comes home on leave from the Army, he makes it a point to go out & do things with BF that don't have to include me.  I think those things fall under the category of "guy stuff" lol!

At any rate....it's really early on Sunday morning here and I'm rambling even more than usual....MM can and do leave their W's for their AP's.  It happens, but I wouldn't say that it's the norm.  It still seems to be the exception rather than the rule.  As Lynn said, you have to decide for yourself what you can and can't deal with. 

Take care, sweetie <3

love & hugs

Joanie

Hmmmm... I wonder if we can make comments in two camps.

After reading a bunch of message boards and other resources on the web , there seem to be two types of affairs.

1) Affairs that start out as physical affairs - men who may or may not be engaging in serial affairs. Those are mostly about sex. ??? Maybe.

2) Then there are affairs of the heart - physical affairs that don't start out with the intention of an affair in the first place.

My affair is definitely in camp 2. The people I know, who remarried their AP were in type 2 affairs.

And it seems, that the predominance of affairs I read about, are camp 1 affairs... at least from the mans side. There are so many websites out there for people looking on the internet for APs. That is an "intentional" affair, not one by chance. I can't really see good outcomes for the majority of those.

Affairs of the heart are different matters though, as they involve genuine conflict of emotions, from the onset of the relationship.

A male friend of mine told me that sometimes the men leave when they can't take the foolishness any longer. i do believe that some men leave, contrary to popular opinion. My ex-mm did not give me the indication that he was the one who left. I was of the impression that the separation was a mutual decision. Although, i heard in the grapevine that she was the one who left, because of a breakdown in the marriage. he told me that the marriage had broken down.

Some of them, however wait for the wife to leave them. but in one case i know, it doesn't look like the wife is going to leave as she is enjoying the money. i know of one case right now where the husband left. he was involved with his secretary and he was the one who left the wife to pursue a full time relationship with his secretary. I know of another case but i am not sure if it was the husband who left. Some of them are afraid of change so they wait on the wife to leave them first.