You know ~ way back when, not too many people knew why my H and I had split...all they knew was that we were separated. A lot of guys, some that I knew and some that I didn't...made it very clear that they were interested. It didn't take them long to realize why my M was over, and why I kept saying no to everyone. A few of them have even asked me why I'm with my MM AP/BF, and have voiced some displeasure. I just tell them it's none of their business, and then I make it clear that I AM in love with him...just so there are no misunderstandings.
Why do I bring up these things? Well, I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I have a new (male) roommate. The other night he got loaded and came home with someone that I know, and AP/BF knows...etc., and he ended up crashing on the couch. AP hadn't planned on sleeping over (which I was very gracious about, although I really wanted to just shake him and ask, wth not?) and we were just catnapping. My door wasn't even closed all the way because he really was going to be leaving soon.
Well, the guy on the couch got up in the middle of the night to use the washroom, and ended up trying to get into my bedroom! AP/BF and I were pretty freaked out, and I was just really glad that AP/BF was there...it taught me a lesson to always keep my bedroom door locked when I'm here alone. I have to also say how proud I am that AP/BF didn't punch the guy's lights out, 'cause he's a pretty jealous guy. I think he's been dwelling on it because the last time we spoke, he asked me to tell this person that he was not welcome in my house. I have the feeling that if AP/BF runs into this guy at the pub, he will have no problem telling him that himself. As far as this person goes, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt (even though he's actually the one who asked me why the h*ll I'm with "that guy"). I've actually sleepwalked once in my life so I know what it's like, and as this is the reason this person said it happened, plus he'd never been to my place before ~ I'm willing to forget about it.
Needless to say ~ the perils of being a SW, and having to have roommates, is wearing very thin! I know that with or without AP, it's a reality that I have to get comfortable with sometime...it's just such a pain. If I could only afford to live on my own, what pure heaven that would be!
Thanks for listening :0)
benska (feeling lonely because AP's phone died and he doesn't have a charger, although he could send a quick text on his buddy's phone if he really wanted to)
Okay, I take that last part back. He just called to say hi and catch up a bit, he should be home in a few days! Oh ye of little faith!
Dear Benska, i am a frequent lurker on mas/eas and posted occasionally while being in a long distance A myself. I followed your story and admire your strength to fight all the hardships life has been throwing at you for quite a while now (and i am an enthusiastic drinker myself so can relate there too). Having read your post, what i want to ask you is this - do you sometimes regret having done what you did, if you really think hard about it and try to be honest? To have left a (as much as i understand) more or less solid marriage and family, to have lost your home and job - ALL for a man who is.. some other woman´s husband? And is basically never there? To have to endure all the financial constraints that come along your way when being unemployed, such as having to live in shared accomodation when you are not 20 anymore? All for a man who is taken? Who is not yours? Who pays you occasional visits and/or takes you on occasional road trips when it suits him? Is he really worth all that pain? Would you seriously do it again, should you have a chance in life, putting the "i fell madly in love with him" aspect ASIDE??
Im sorry if the questions i ask is not what you wanted to hear and wish you all the very best in future.
Wow, those are some tough questions. Questions I'm not sure I even have answers to.
Having read your post, what i want to ask you is this - do you sometimes regret having done what you did, if you really think hard about it and try to be honest?
Yes, I regret it LOTS...sometimes. Hindsight is not always that easy. Yes, I should have pushed MM away. I should have told my H how I was feeling, like he begged me to after the last time this happened (yes, this is not my first trip to the candy store...although the previous times were an angry response to my H's lack of affection and attention).
I truly think that the real catalyst for this whole thing, was my H's response to our son being charged with rape. I don't know if you'll recall, but I was raped when I was 14, and I have a lot of unresolved issues surrounding that...which my H had ALWAYS known. Intellectually, I do realize that people who have never been sexually abused may not fully appreciate the ramifications of the residual trauma...however, this was our SON, and this was ME. I lost a LOT of respect for my H at that point. His insensitivity knew no bounds. I will never forget how absolutely mortified I was the one day when he told my now AP/BF, how easy I was and how I slept with him on our first date. He might just as well have peeled the skin off of me like a grape...that's how raw he made me feel. Oh yeah, this was well before AP/BF and I ever got together.
I've tried to figure out how I could do what I did to my poor husband...he didn't deserve it. I'm realizing that insensitivity is not the end all...but lack of sexual attraction possibly is/was. Our sex life was practically nil, and whenever it happened it just seemed so forced all the time (yes, forced...not a great thing for a rape survivor to be feeling with her husband, was it?) There were times that I would lie there and just pray for it to be over....how fair was that to him? I know how shallow it all sounds...and maybe that's all I am, just a shallow bitch. I just don't know.
To have left a (as much as i understand) more or less solid marriage and family, to have lost your home and job - ALL for a man who is.. some other woman´s husband? And is basically never there? To have to endure all the financial constraints that come along your way when being unemployed, such as having to live in shared accomodation when you are not 20 anymore? All for a man who is taken? Who is not yours? Who pays you occasional visits and/or takes you on occasional road trips when it suits him? Is he really worth all that pain?
Yes, I did all of that for some other woman's husband...pretty damned foolish, I know. Is it worth it? I have no idea. I suppose I'll have a better answer if we ever end up together IRL. Or, if/when we split up...I'm sure I'll be able to come up with an answer then. I can't keep looking back though, it's just not productive. I have to stay in the present, and try and build a future..with or without AP/BF. Right now, we make each other happy and I really do think he loves me too...it has to be enough.
Would you seriously do it again, should you have a chance in life, putting the "i fell madly in love with him" aspect ASIDE??
Well, hindsight is 20/20, but no....I don't think I would do it again. At least not the way I did it this time. I would hope that I would have had the guts to go to my husband and talk to him about the way I was feeling...but I DIDN'T. Can't change it, can't think about what if...just have to keep going forward and pray that I make it out of this fog...one way or another. I've even thought about begging him to take me back. I've thought about telling him that I will do ANYTHING to make it up to him, but you know what? When the rubber hits the pavement....I would still choose this unbelievably passionate love affair I'm having, over the vanilla pudding that was my M. Selfish, selfish, selfish...can you say self loathing?
And yes, I do love my AP/BF. I am actually fairly content with the way things are going. I know that he loves me...he spends as much of his time with me as he possibly can (this I know). Do I want more? Of course I do, I hate being alone and I am by nature, a nurturer. There is nothing I want more than to take care of him, be there for him when he comes home after work. I loved being a housewife and I was very good at it too. I enjoy looking after my loved ones very much. I enjoy having the home just so...I enjoy doing all the housewife stuff such as laundry, and cleaning, and grocery shopping. There is nothing I want more than to do these things with, and for, him. You know what one of the sadder things about this is? He's gotten so used to taking care of himself in his "so-called marriage" that I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be able to allow someone in enough to care for him in that way anyway.
Tough questions, and I cried....but it's water under the bridge now and I can't go back. Don't worry about the questions though, they're nothing that I haven't asked myself (over and over again in the last two years!).
Dear Benska, first of all i want to thank you for taking time (and making an effort) to reply to me so extensively, profoundly and honestly. Im so sorry that you are in such a difficult situation at the moment..
"I've even thought about begging him to take me back. I've thought about telling him that I will do ANYTHING to make it up to him, but you know what? When the rubber hits the pavement....I would still choose this unbelievably passionate love affair I'm having, over the vanilla pudding that was my M."
Benska, im sorry for pestering you with more questions and i know and understand its easy to say in retrospect - but would it have been possible for you back then to... keep the A.. and the M?? "Vanilla pudding" is not the most horrible description of a marriage in my eyes.. Was there any chance that you could have at some point, "outloved" that person, "outpassioned" yourself, after having experienced the thrill so to speak, after having got it all out of your system, as long as it would have taken, 2 years, 3 years, 4 years, longer?? Would it then at any point have been immaginable for you to "re-assess" the state of your marriage, and maybe try to "better" it, to "salvage" what was "salvageable" there, together with your H?? So that at some point you could have said to yourself "ok, btdt and won the t-shirt, now back to my solid safe and secure"??
Do you have any contact with your husand now, is there ANY chance of ... maybe... trying to.... repair the damage? Would you be willing to, if he asked?? I guess not, not with the AP in the picture..
Is the AP at least of ANY help in all this to you, financial, emotional, whatever, does he at least try to comfort you and make it a bit easier for you?? After all, you did it all for HIM... What if he never separates from his wife, are you prepared and willing to live like this for the rest of your life?? What if he.. says good bye?? Is there any "support system" that you could get "outside" help from??
Benska, im asking/saying all above because you have to know i was deeply moved by your story.. and it made me think about things in life.. I wish you tons of strength and tons of luck for the future.. I could now say "you are in my prayers", but im an atheist, so that wont help you much, thats why i will just conclude with "you are in my thoughts". All the best.
Sorry about that oh so lengthy reply. Wow, I was having a bit of pity party yesterday, wasn't I? Sheesh. Anyway, to answer your questions.
<but would it have been possible for you back then to... keep the A.. and the M??>
Nope, not possible. I tried, but I just couldn't sustain living a double life. Of course, there's also the age old factor of SEX. Once I'd crossed that line with with AP/BF, I came to the realization that sex IS important in a relationship...and it was something that was important to me after all. It just wasn't happening in my M.
<Do you have any contact with your husand now, is there ANY chance of ... maybe... trying to.... repair the damage? Would you be willing to, if he asked?? I guess not, not with the AP in the picture..>
I have no contact with my husband at all. I'm 100% sure that there is zero chance of repairing the damage. In the interests of being totally honest..if my AP/BF was still in my life, and if..for some reason my H asked me back, I don't think I could. If AP/BF was out of the picture? I just don't know. My shame would hold me back greatly, I think. I suppose that's part and parcel of trying to rebuild, but I feel that everything that's happened is just too much to overcome...for both of us.
<Is the AP at least of ANY help in all this to you, financial, emotional, whatever, does he at least try to comfort you and make it a bit easier for you?? After all, you did it all for HIM... What if he never separates from his wife, are you prepared and willing to live like this for the rest of your life?? What if he.. says good bye?? Is there any "support system" that you could get "outside" help from??>
AP does help me, quite a bit actually. As I said, we spend a LOT of time together, and that means he either orders food in..or in many instances he's brought groceries over to cook for me. He's also paid many times when we're out at the pub together, and even more so now that he knows that I have been denied EI. Right or wrong, he knows that I received a separation settlement, and so knows that I'm not completely destitute. So he knows that I can afford things if I really want them. One of the things that I like so much about him is that he doesn't treat me like I'm going to break...he makes me feel like I can do things on my own. He's a very self contained man, but he's very loving with me and being on the receiving end of that is emotionally fulfilling for me. As far as his W...well, I've always known that he's not going to leave his her. As bad as this is going to sound, I hope for it every day...either that or she finally wises up and leaves his a**. How long can I live like this? I can't answer that. What do I do if he says goodbye? It will be extremely hard to deal with if I'm not ready for it. I've thought about it a lot, and one of the things I've considered, if that should happen, is moving back to my home province and living with my sister and her family. Yes, I have support systems here...but it's still a small town and the memories would be too much for me I fear.
I appreciate your interest, and your comments. I hope I haven't been coming off as negative, because I'm really doing better than I sound..yeah, life's jerking me around a bit right now, but I feel somewhat responsible for it. I've decided to just look at the last year as time that I desperately needed, and once I complete this trip with AP/BF, it's time to get out there and just get moving again. I'm ready.
Thank you very much for your well wishes, it's greatly appreciated, and I can use all the help I can get! I'm stronger than I realize, I just need to remember it more often :0)
Love 
