I am new here and have been lurking on the board for quiet sometime. You all have been very helpful in getting me though some hard times in my A. I am finding that they all kind of have a schedule (not sure if that is the right word)... maybe pattern. Some back ground.
I am married and so in my AP. We have been seeing each other for a little over a year and it started out as a LD affair. I went through some very rough times with him just trying to understand the whole A concept and knowing when I am asking too for too much from him (that is thanks to everyone on this board). We are now to the point where we see each other once a month for a few hours( we now live in the same state about 1hour from each other). We understand that this is dangerous especially since we are so close now and we (I) try very hard to guard my feelings for him. Well I am at a point now where I am not quiet sure how to handle whats next for us.
He claims he is happily married, he is a millionaire and I am guessing they live by different rules and have a longer leash? This is a busy time of year for him with the business that he is in and it is also the time of year for family. I really dont know much about his family life. When we first met, he told me he was disgusted by the W physically and at times I think that was just a lie to get me in bed.. but he had been very true about other things, so with his marriage, I am not sure where it stands. So here we are now a year and a half into our A and I am getting urges that I have not gotten before.. I missed him so much this weekend. I sent him a quick email to say that I missed him and then this morning sent him another one saying that I am sorry I should not have said that. I know he is busy and so I miss you should go without saying and that I know I am adding more stress to him by actually saying it out loud. Here is the issue: He very rarely reada my emails, which I am ok with. So I am not sure if he even read it.. but the point is I actually was yearning for him this weekend! How do I control that?
I called him to say hi and he mentioned that he missed me and wants to see me.. (why didnt he call me?)understandable since it is "that time of month" for us. But he then said something that I cannot get out of my head... we always ask each other how things are at home.. he ALWAYS asks me and I am honest (sometimes, always saying things are good, but that is after I figured out he always says that too). Any way he asked and I said things are moving along.. then ask him and he says "surprisingly well, and when things dont go so well I am happy I have a beauty like you to go to to take the edge off". This is breaking my heart and I dont know what to make of this. A part of me wants to know why he asked me these questions.. today he was very very inquisative, wanting to know how I am doing an how the H is doing and if we haave been fighting lately. Another part of me wants to tell him that we should not meet because if things are good at home for him I want them to stay that way for him. A part of me feels disrespected that he thinks of me like that, even though I think of him the same way but I guess things are a lot worse for me at home so I need him more than he needs me. The laast part of me says shut up, dont complain, you like him, if he is going to cheat on the W why not be with you, just dont expect too much from him?
I am not sure what the h*ll I am writing about.. I just needed to write I guess.
SHOULD I SEND HIM A TEXT LETTING HIM KNOW THAT I DONT THINK IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO MEET IF THINGS ARE GOING WELL FOR HIM? I truely in my heart want him to be happy at home and if there is a chance for that I want him to have it. BUT the evil part of me doesnt know how I will handle it if he says I think you are right.
I certainly feel your pain. I am also involved with a MM that I met on Ashley Madison. When it started out it was just for the sex. It was something we were both missing in our marriages. For him it was 4 years without sex or any affection of any kind from his wife. For me it's been LOTS longer than that. Plus there is a 15 year age difference, and with me being the older one I know there is basically no chance that it will go any further than an affair. I thought I could keep it all in some type of perspective knowing all of this before I got involved. It's not working too well. It's nine months later & here I am getting way too attached and always wondering just exactly what I am to him. It freaks me out sometimes..a lot of the time.
I know how hard it is when you never hear from them enough. My AP owns a construction business & has worked like a maniac since early Spring. That makes for very lonely times for me because he never has enough time to see me or have much communication. It breaks your heart doesn't it? I don't know what to tell you to ease your suffering, but know that you're not alone. Affairs are hard. We women are emotional creatures and we need reassurance and care to stay happy. Most men just aren't wired the same way.
I totally understand your wanting to let him know how you feel and wanting to get some recognition back, and that crap about "I miss you should go without saying" sometime just doesn't cut it. I know. because I held back my feelings from him because I didn't want to scare him to death, but last week something inside me just went nuts and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I met with him and we talked. He started out telling me that we shouldn't have to say how we feel, we should just know it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kind of romantic I suppose, but I need to hear it I told him. We talked some more about me and all my crazy emotions, my past, his busy schedule, his wife and kids, and all the while he just kept whispering... don't say it. Well, I said it anyway. I told him I loved him, for all the wonderful things he's brought into my life, but that I didn't expect him to leave his kids and wife for me. I tried to reassure him that all I really needed to know was that he cared about me, which he said he did. Still, three days later, I'm not sure if I scared the crap out of him or not. He didn't seem upset at the time, he ever seemed concerned and reassuring...caring actually.
So, I guess my point here is......Here is this man, someone you are willing to risk your marriage for, someone you obviously care about, the person you share your most intimate experiences with. You should be able to talk to him. I'm glad I did, it calmed me way down (well at least for now!). Be honest with him and don't pressure him. Maybe there will be a way to work things out so you're both happy.
Dear Ohsolonley, thanks for your reply. I actually stayed up all night thinking about how to approach him.
1) I meet with him and tell him how I feel, but I think it will scare him, he NEVER wants to talk about anything emotional but a part of me thinks that I should tell him how I fell
2) I email him (call him first so he knows to read it) and tell him how I feel.
3) Totally ignore his calls and texts from now on and just quit cold turkey. This will eventually save me pain.
I know once I tell him how I feel we will not see each other anymore so I am really leaning towards #3. This man has evoked so many emotions within me and I honestly scare myself sometimes and I think that I will never truley be happy if we continue to see each other. I go from extremely happy to be with him and know that I can have him whenever I want with no strings attached to being jealous of his life. How can someone be wealthy and happy in their home life as well? I thought that everyone had something to deal with, but he has proved me wrong. And everytime I become jealous, I start hating my life for what it is. I guess all I really want from him is to know that he is human and that his life is not perfect and that he needs me just as much as I need him!
I am also worried that I am over reacting to the holiday season....I have been lurking on this website long enough to know that sometimes the holidays are the hardest so I dont want to get too dramatic over nothing... SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I know all about staying up all night worrying. I do it as well. The weekends are hard, the holidays even harder. I also know how easy it would be if someone would just tell you what to do & what the consequences of your actions will be, but life isn't like that, unfortunately. Only you know what's in your heart & how you feel. Jealousy is an awful thing but when you have feelings for someone, I think it's just a natural reaction.
I also know how it feels to have all these feelings trapped inside you and an AP that doesn't want to talk about it (that's why my AP kept saying, "don't say it").
I've also sent "those" emails and I haven't really gotten a good reaction from them. It just makes everything more confusing with the not knowing if he's read it, how he feels about it, etc. Trying to ignore the situation is not good either, it just seems to let things simmer until they eventually boil over. I think you should sit down and talk to him and tell him how you feel about everything and how it is affecting you, your relationship with him, and the rest of your life. At this point in my life, it's better to know the truth than wonder and worry about things you don't know. Who knows, maybe he won't react as badly as you imagine.
I think it is a good idea to talk about it in person, although most times I did it in an email because it helped to better verbalize what I was thinking, as I seem to just want to be with him, when I am with him and not waste a moment in a potential disagreement. If we had more time together I am sure I would feel different.
I have found when writing things out, to him, on here or to myself, I find I answer my own question. When questioning on here, I seek to find ... what is he thinking or what is the best thing to do if I want to continue this relationship. We do not see each other often enough. I miss him terribly. Yes, my heart is definitely all up in this. I wish it wasn't so I could feel like I had leverage in this, or a more equal arrangement. but my heart doesn' t work that way. I think men can place it differently more easily than women.
I think perhaps there is possibilities of our having a great affair. I can only see hurt if one of us doesn't want it to continue. Our schedules don't allow us to see each other very often at this time, so I think I would do better with a schedule. Either way, right or wrong it is a relationship and it still merits respect for each other. The more info exchanged the better. The more being honest with each other the better. but you have to hold your emotions at arms length in case he doesn't feel the same way.
think about it and what you would like to have out of this relationship. Do you see this as a long term affair or divorcing your spouses and running off together? In spite of all of the heat of an affair you have to try and be practical about it too.
Most days I am in thoughts of what the hell happened? How did I end up passionately in love with someone I don' t really know that well, and spend every waking moment in thoughts of him. How long does that last? I fight it everyday trying to figure out the "right thing" for me, for us and I am currently placed in a holding pattern. How long can someone live with that?
Love 
