This is my first time posting, though I have been reading/lurking for awhile now.
I'm totally in love with my AP and devestated. My AP was my first love and my first everything actually. That was way back over 25 years ago, and lasted for 3 or so years while in high school. I was in love with him then, he would tell me he loved me, but then be with other girls, not sexually, but just date them, then come back to me. Well, this past may, after 22 years, he found me online, and contacted me. We emailed and talked on the phone, and all the old feelings came back. We met, we went back to his place, and I'm sure you all know the rest. Before he contacted me, he had been involved with a an older, single woman for about 3 or so years. My AP and I are both married. His marriage is open, mine is not. About 3 weeks into our A, he starts freaking out because of the feelings he starts having for me and about us, so he ends our A for a few days, I was so hurt and shocked. We get back together, he tells me how sorry he was for hurting me and that he will never do it again, that he loves me, and wants to be with me, etc. He tells me all this again one day that we'd been together. The next afternoon, his ex g/f calls me, while he is there, apparently as soon as I'd left the day before, he was online talking to her, begging to come see her, and the next morning he did go see her, and they spent the morning in bed. He texted me to tell me he missed me, and sent it to her by accident, she then found out he was seeing me still, and she called me. They got into a big fight over her calling me to tell me about them together, he ended up telling me how sorry he was, and how much he loved me, etc, I took him back. Well, he broke up with me again, to be with her, that lasted a week. Then back with me, broke up again, to be with her, that lasted, not even a day. They would fight because, she wanted him to leave his wife, and he won't and she doesn't want him sleeping with his wife, talking to his wife, going places with his wife, nothing. So, yes, I took him back one last time. He swore this was it, he even swore on his dad's grave. So, I started trusting him again, things were fine, we started getting even closer, he was going to buy me a promise ring, everything was great. Well, yesterday, he tells me he loves me, and then tells me he is going to see her as friends. Well, I know better than that. So, I get mad, and tell him this is it, that if he does this again, I'm done, and not to bother contacting me for another 22 years. He is seeing her again, and wants to be friends with me he says for now. When I asked what does he mean for now, his reply is, until he figures things out. So, here I am, he was supposed to be out with me tonight, he is out with her, I'm still in love with him, and all I can do is cry. I feel so stupid and used. I even told him that I won't be his doormat anymore. He said he knows. I know when she dumps him again, over his wife, and goes back to whomever she is dating, he will want to come back to me with his promises. He is an addiction, he is an excellent lover, very giving, and we have so much fun together. I don't know how to give him up. I don't understand how he can tell me that he loves me and that he will forever one day, and hours later, back to her. She like pulls a string and he comes right back. He did say he was sorry, that he just cant stay away from her. I'm sorry this is sooo long, I just needed to tell someone, and maybe someone will have some advice.
I'm so sorry you are hurting. I wish I had good advice to give. It's just that I'm in the mix of my A but on the verge of breaking it off. I do know that he does not deserve you and you should be treated better than this. I would try to not contact him as hard as it may be. I know how hard it is but that will give him time to get a grip on what the hell he wants.
He sounds confused. But that is no reason to treat you like a yo yo, bobbing you up and down. I know you love him as I do my AP. I believe he may love you also but he has some serious issues he needs to get a handle on. I definitely feel your pain, I have days I just want to cry cry cry or I feel like I'm going insane. Try to hang in there and know you are not alone. Somehow, someway it will all work out. Post whenever you need to talk, we are here for you
I will try not contacting him, and yes, it will be very hard. He pulled this crap in high school, and I did move on, but I was younger then, and apparently smarter.
Now, I just feel punched in the stomach. I don't think he has any idea how much it hurts. I want to tell him, but I think that may just feed his ego. I can't eat, I can barely work, I just cry. It's ridiculous. My H knows I'm hurting, but doesn't know entirely why. He just thinks my old friend, quit being friends with me because his GF told him too. xAP's marriage is open, so I was sorta friends with his wife too, and I would spend like every other weekend there with them.
I do have another male friend, that we just talk online, he wants to see me and have a physical relationship, but I just can't get excited about it. I thought if I moved on maybe I'd feel better, but I don't see it happening.
So let me get it straight....you and this other girlfriend of his compete with each to win affections of a guy who is on top of everything MARRIED?
When you want to cry, you just cry - that's what I did when I break off my affair. Cry if you need to. Sometimes you'll cry so much that you'll feel numb afterward.
Then you'd cry less. And less. Then you'll notice you haven't cried for a week. Then one day you'll look back and won't believe you'd ever cried over this man. But you have to break it off to make it happen, and you have a power within you to do just that.
Love 
