MAS

Hello,

Do I really have the patience to see this through?  There are days that I just don't think I can take it any longer because the not knowing what the future holds is just so hard to handle.  I've posted a few times in the last few months, but here is a quick summary of my situation.  AP and I have known each other over 2 years, are co-workers and started our A just over 4 months ago.  From the moment we met, we both had a "feeling" about each other but nothing more than friendship really started developing until late last spring when I was getting ready to separate from my H.  (My separation from H had been brewing for quite a while so the A was not the reason, just a final confirmation to me that I was truly "done" with my M).  

My relationship with AP is absolutely amazing.  There is so much about it that is fantastic.  I have stayed with this board since the A started and it has been really good to read about everyone's experiences here.  And from what I have read, what AP and I have together doesn't include some of the up and down drama that I see in many of the other affairs.  He is completely consistent and honest with me... never wavering about how he feels about me, not playing head games, spends as much time with me as humanly possible and is really doing his best to "wrap his head around" this whole situation and figure out what he is going to do about his M.  Just a little background on him... M for over 20 years, kids almost out of high school and in a marriage with the most horrendous dynamics I have seen in a very long time.  I don't want to go into more details of his M, but is is extremely unhealthy and he is miserable.  He has never had an A before and is not the kind of man that would have a casual A just for sex or whatever.  With me he feels like he is learning (for the first time) how to really be himself.  He has walked on egg shells for so many years, he had just became numb to his own needs and desires and never considered that a relationship could really have the depth and understanding of each other that we share.  So in reality, our relationship had turned his world upside-down.  I TOTALLY understand that he needs time to process all of this and I wouldn't want him to make any rash moves or decisions.  If (when?) he decides to leave his M, I want it to be because he knows it is the right thing to do for himself not on an impulse.  BUT the waiting is killing me.  Because I know that the odds of him leaving are still very weak.  I know that I am setting myself up for a huge heartache if he doesn't leave but there is so much that is positive that I am getting from this relationship right now, I do not want to back off.  I have never experienced a relationship like this before and I want to know what it feels like to have this (even if it means dealing with the fall out if it doesn't work out).

So I know we are only talking 4 months so far, certainly less that the 6 months to a year some of you say is common for a man to leave his M if he is going to at all.  I keep trying to tell myself to just take it one day at a time and I know that time goes so fast (especially through the holidays!) and I just have to be patient to see where all of this is leading.  I am more hopeful because of the steadfast nature of our relationship, the incredibly consistent bond we have developed and the knowledge that he really does what to be with me.  BUT (and I know this is a huge BUT) I am not stupid... I know the odds, I know the statistics and I know that thinking about ending a M and actually doing it are two totally different things.  Shoot, it took me almost a year to finally end mine and I was miserable for the last 4 years of it.  So I know that it takes time... but how much time? And will I go crazy in the meantime not really knowing?

And then there is the fear that before he gets his head together, the W will figure it out and we will have a D day.   One of my friends told me that she would have to be "the stupidest woman in North America not to realize her husband was having an A"... and I have to agree.  Either she is so wrapped up in herself that she doesn't care, or she is choosing to bury her head in the sand.  Because she has got to sense a huge change in him by now... it would be almost impossible not to put this together if she gave it any extra thought.  He is being careful, but we spend so much time together that it would be really easy for her to catch us (or at the very least, realize he is not at work as much as he says).

Well, I have to say I feel better just getting this out.  Thanks for reading and for all of you who share your stories here every day.  I have to say this is the one place that I can come to and get a good reality check and/or help me know that I am not alone in this relationship choice.  Any constructive thoughts, commiseration or encouragement would be nice to hear from those of you that may be or have been in an A similar to mine.  =)