hi, so i finally heard from my AP. for a quick recap, he had a stroke the end of july. i was devasted, it was hard for me to know what he was going through, and i couldnt be there for him. i couldnt "help" him, i had to keep my distance. i knew that it was his family that needed to take care of him and nurse him back to health. i did not know the severity of the stroke, so i didnt know if he remembered me and all that we did/been through, etc. i was "there" in church and saw him a couple of times, he recently had another surgery (about a wk ago) and is at home recovering. i prayed that he would pull through and i accepted the fact that if the stroke affected his memory, that maybe he wouldnt know me or what we had. i was ready to say its not under my control and i let go.
well he called me this morning! after 3 motnhs he finally called, he sounded good. i told him i was sorry , but i had to keep my distance and i knew that he would understand. he was always like that, always understood. he told me i can call him and stop by to say hi. with or without DH (they are friends and grew up together). but a lot has happened in 3 months, not only to him but to me as well. i had a lot of time to think about things and what i want out of life. i did a lot of soul searching and altho he told me when i asked him where do i stand? he said nothing changed, we are the same as if he never got sick. but things have changed, i have changed. he couldnt talk long, but he told me he missed me. i miss him and his voice, and he sounded really good like almost nothing happened to him. i miss his smell and his arms around me. but ive started to live my life as if there was no more us. ive changed. can we go back to where we were (not right away but in time, i realize he still has a long recovery)? ive enjoyed the peace and quiet, esp at home. DH and i have been getting along really well, we've been working on our R. i feel good with him again and at peace. i wonder what will happen if he comes back in my life... is this what i really want/need? it was nice, not stressing and focusing on DH. we did things together, we went away, we started to go out without fighting again, etc. i dont want things to go bad between us again. DH is my first priority. he is my first true love and always will be. i am a little leary that AP will put a wedge between us, not intentionally mind you, but just as well. as much as i say that i can do this without it affecting my M, well that just isnt true. I cannot wholeheartedly be with my DH and give my all to him if i am involved with someone else....
i do love AP, he is a good friend of mine, we've been through sooo much in the 3 yrs we have been together. i have always been there for him when he was sick and he assumes (bc of our history) that i will there for him now as always. what do i do? he is still sick and i want to help him, be there for him as a friend but am not sure if i want more from him. i was just getting my life back and i didnt realize how much i missed the things ive neglected, like spending time with my family and friends... i put a lot on hold being with AP in case there was the chance to see him, im sure you all know what im talking about.
i love DH tremendously and we have been doing so well. i dont want things to turn sour because im torn inside over 2 men. but one is sick, and almost died and he is a great friend.... ugh. life is sometimes not easy or fair.
I think you got the answer that you needed indeed. That answer was - you don't need that man in your life. You still have feelings for your husband, and without the distraction of affair, sounds like you marriage can be a pretty solid one.
The A is over. You have gone through the withdrawls and now you are in a place that you can go home to your DH and enjoy your life. I realize you have the feelings for AP and im sure you always will care for him, but you have to put those feelings into perspective. They were obviously destrictive to your M and now AP is out of the immediate picture, things in your life are going well. Keep it that way IMO.
Getting over someone you cared for so deeply is never easy, but your A served a purpose and now you dont need it any more. Look after yourself and family now. Let AP be and continue to grow with the people that love and depend on you full time. Dont let guilt for APs medical condition ruin your chance to be a solid family again as it seems that you are doing so well at home now. Ap is being looked after by his family and is OK without you.
thank you both. i just want to say that it was never my intention to leave my DH for AP. if i had left, it was bc i wanted to leave on my own. I knew from the beginning that AP would never leave his W or family. unless she found out and left him, but i dont really know.
you are right. ive had a lot of time to come to my senses. ive had to move on from AP, not at first bc i wanted to, i was forced to. over something that was out of the both of our control, it was all in God's hands. so i did go through a tough period of withdrawal and eventually mourning our R. and that was not easy, esp when the people around you will listen to you, but not really understand what you are going through. i made it through, i pulled through. no i dont think it would be wise of me to open that box again (Pandora's lol) or door again. after it has been closed. it would not be easy for me at all, to start the A all over with him. to go through the motions, to begin lying to DH again about who is calling/texting me, where i am going, who im with, etc. i have been honest with DH for the most part lately and it feels darn good. (i cannot say completely honest here, but who really can?). if i say i am at my friends, i am really at my friends. i know i am not doing anything else. but to go through the A again, to be pulled back again (and i got pulled back in before,when he got sick bc i felt bad for him) will not be an easy task. to go through all of the emotions, the lying, the roller coaster ride. i dont know how i survived it before and for so long. you all know that ride, the ride where one minute (not really a minute could be a few weeks or so) that he calls all of the time and i start seeing him regulary, to not hearing from him for periods of time or seeing him for a month (for example). I cant go through that again. i cannot get used to him being around and then go through the withdrawals when he isnt. i need something constant. i started reconnecting with friends ive neglected. i starting relaxing again and reading again. i started working out again too and taking care of ME. there is no tension between me and DH. i am doing what i am supposed to be doing.
i, of course, do not want to hurt AP by telling him i cant go through it again. i just cant, i know in my heart of heart that if i did, it would be like suicide to me and my R with DH. i know him so i know that he will try to use his sickness against me, meaning get me to feel bad for him and/or sucker me in by having me be his friend and tell me that we are just friends, until he gets better enough to start driving alone and then he'll want to see me. he can be persistant. he can be manipulative, but ive worked on myself so much that i do not see myself falling for that again. not by him, not by anyone else. i have become stronger, inside and out. and the inside is what really counts, its what really makes the difference. i will just hold on. and pray that i have the strength and continue to have the strength to continue on this path i have so rightly chosen.
thank you all and i will try hard to hang in there as i hope you all do as well!
Love 
