MAS

Hi everybody.  Just wanted to check in.  I still read a lot on here but don't have the need to post like I did before.  FINALLY feel like I am healing.

I have not talked to XAP in quite awhile.  I haven't kept count of the days, and dont intend to.  I find myself reliving moments a lot lately, but not with the heartache or longing that I did in the past.  Funny, wasn't so long ago that the thought of ending it with XAP made me feel suicidal.  Actually, thats not so funny.  Sad really, how I let a man, a loser of a man, have such control over MY life.

I think about things and all of the inconsistencies that never added up.  All the crap or just "weird" vibes I had about him that I ignored, because the payoff for me was much higher, at the time.

Frankly, XAP is not a man I would go for if I were single, or if I had met him prior to meeting DH.  XAP is twice married, 7 kids with three diff. women, criminal record, a liar.  I wanted to believe I was the ONE person he was being honest to, because he "loved me so much".  Bull...he loved the payoff just as much as I did.

I dont fault him alone. but I do fault him.  I guess the difference between him and I is that I chose to tell my DH, to make the hard but wise choice, for myself, to let XAP go, and to work on being a better person.  XAP would like to stay in his web of lies as long as he can.  Its his MO.  Always has been, always will be.

My DH and I are doing very well.  Getting ready to take a mini-vacation without the kids.  I still have trouble opening up to him.  But it is something I am working on, and something he is helping me with.

My life has been filled with many wrong decisions, based primarily out of fear.  Fear of being successful, fear of not being understood, fear of being ignored. 

I still have those fears.  I still have moments of craving the high, the attention.  But not craving XAP.  And not wanting to be that woman ever again.

Just thought I'd give an update and hope that you are all doing well.  The fog lifts, and when it clears, you see the rainbow ahead.

I'm really glad to read you are doing so well.  That is great progress!

It's so all consuming when we are in the middle of it and hard to even see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I think in some cases, sounds like yours was one (as is I think is mine), that we build up the AP and make them better than what they are, try to believe them, all the while fooling ourselves and digging a deeper hole.  The things we do for "love". I think it's not until we are out that we realize the AP is not who we made them out to be and only then can we start to move on.

I commend you on ending it.  I'm sure it wasn't easy.  I have my own battles with ending my situation.  It's so hard.  You sound like you are doing great and making progress with working on your M and sounds like your H is being supportive. I'm really happy for you and glad you came back to tell us how well you are doing without AP!