I feel like I'm going crazy today. Some of you that have followed my story know I am really confused right now. Spent the last few weeks angry/frustrated with BF/AP, but we stll talked/spent time together. I was so angry for a while I was super close to breaking it off. For whatever reason the anger started to dissipate the last several days and I am back to feeling love for him (not that it ever really went away) and maybe a little bit of hope (a little).
Background for those that don't know my story: Started seeing BF a little over a year ago. At the time he told me he lives with a female roommate/FWB. No problem, I was just looking for a good time, nothing serious. Then, March HE decides he wants to make us official/exclusive, which includes him calling off the FWB relationship with roommate-- supposedly. Since then I have found texts in his phone between them saying "I miss you *kiss" and then just general chit chat once in a great while..."can you pick up xyz from the store?" Ok, so obviously something isn't adding up here. She's either thinking/is his LIGF or maybe they do have a FWB relationship and she chooses to ignore whatever he does in his personal time (me). Or maybe she is naive and doesn't know.
Anyway, I have been contemplating contacting her anonymously via e-mail or social networking site. I just want to find out their status. (I know it shouldn't really matter because he's lying to me in one way or another, but I just want to know what the deal is). I want to send her a message asking if she is still together with ****, but do so in a polite way. I don't want to make her mad, hurt her feelings or anything. Afterall, I really have no reason to be mean/mad at HER. If anything, I have reason to be upset with HIM.
I'm pretty sure I can get away with contacting her and him not pointing the finger at me for it. First, I'm pretty sure he thinks I don't know anything about her, including her name. They are not "friends" on any social networking sites, so that makes me finding her that way not a possibility. Second, I have set up a fake e-mail and networking account and know a few things about computers and know a way the e-mail couldn't be traced back to me/my IP. Finally, if I do this, I will send the same message to myself from the fake account so IF he does say something to me about it I can come back with, "oh, you mean a message like this?" and show him the same one I received.
So, I guess my question is: do I go through with this plan? If so, what do I say in the e-mail so I don't come acrosss too prying or too knowledgable, but at the same time get her to raise an eyebrow and send a reply.
I'm just asking if this is a good idea/bad idea and what I should say. Please don't tell me about dumping him , or that I deserve better and it doesn't matter if he's lying or not. Please. I already know this is a bad situation and I do have a time limit on things now. I just really would like to know some shred of information from her side. I don't want to put this woman through hell or interrogate her or even make this an attempt to run her off and get her out of his life. I would just like to know where she stands with him...GF, no GF, "friends" or what.
Being (maybe) in her shoes some time ago, with xH passing me off as "soon to be ex GF/W" to other women he was flirting/having A's with...I would have liked to have known or been given some inkling earlier on. I would always find out, but it would sometimes take months or more to figure out what he was up to and I wish I would have known sooner so we could have worked on things or D sooner. It's not my intent to hurt her, but I feel like I just need to know from her side if they are together or not.
Take it from me, I btdt, was in your shoes not too long ago... quick background: I dated my co-worker/bf and he told me that he was living with his baby's momma but they weren't married or together. For several months I researched, snooped, etc... things he said weren't adding up...this was going on for 7 months last year. Then January of this year I get a call from her none threatening and he still denies and makes up a story... long story short... I found out in July they ARE married and she was pregnant by him! So... let me just say that the truth does eventually come out.
I had signs in the beginning saying he's married but I chose to ignore them or make up excuses for him (like you are doing).
Trust your gut! They ARE together. He's lying to you.
I say go for it, and contact her...what do you have to lose? Just make sure YOU are prepared for whatever truth comes out and have a plan for what you will do with it once it comes to light. Because when I found out, I thought I would leave but obviously I haven't. So the snooping doesn't matter if you're not going to do anything with the information.
I would personally set up a MALE profile and start hitting on her...then ask her if she's single. This way it would definitely not be traced back to you. ;)
Maybe you could just pick up the phone and without complicated manipulations just call her and ask her honestly what is going on. Yes, it will backfire because most likely he's lying to you, she is his LIG and has no idea he is fooling around, and as soon as he'll find out you called, he'll run back home to fix things and to maintain status quo and will drop you like hot potato.
At some point, you have to ask yourself, what are holding on to. You can't ignore those huge red flags just for the sake of keeping this relationship. If it's not going anywhere, then the smartest thing is to find out as soon as possible. Then, when you'll have facts, you'll be able to make decisions.
...and so what if all of this blows up in your face and he finds out about the fake email account and everything else?
One lie begets another lie.
If you sincerely want to know what his situation is, come right out and ask. If he tells you something that you know isn't the truth, then why worry and waste your time & energy?
I hate to say it, but you are likely correct. There seems to be more there than FWB. (If it is FWB/open relationship, it is definitely of a different nature). If it was strictly FWB, why bother keeping in contact when he's with me? The point of FWB is for sex. Sure, there is some degree of respect and being polite that goes along with it, but not how friendly they are being.
He usually says "hi" to her via text once a day and then will call her for 1-3 minutes every other day in secrecy when we are together. I could understand if it were a roommate situation and they talked a minute here and there "please pay the cable bill" or something of that nature or even, "hope you have a good day" but the "i miss you" and "kiss" emoticon things are beyond what I would consider friendly. He contacts me far more than her. He's with me usually 3-4 days per week and home the others. When he is home, he texts me a ton, sometimes calls, and we talk online, too. So I get more of his time/thoughts than she does, apparently. Not that it really matters a whole lot, I guess. Situation is still wrong.
Her status on the social networking sites is "single" and the interested in says "friends" and "dating". But, she doesn't seem to be on those sites very often/not much activity on those pages at all.
I've dug and dug, looking for information. I've found a lot. I'm sure they aren't married, but the actual status of their relationship, IDK. I like the idea of creating a male profile and hitting on her, but as I said, she doesn't seem to be very active on there and only has a few close friends added.
You have an excellent point about "doing" something with the info. I was in a similar situation with my xH and consistently found things wrong, but a lot of the time I didn't confront him or would hold off. Push got to shove and eventually I did move out and then finally D. But, it took a while to get to that point. Years of stupid BS that I let happen because I guess I wasn't prepared to do anything or was hoping things would change.
Love 
