AAS

Previously posted on EAS but was asked to post it here.

I'm new here and was afraid to post for fear of the backlash I may receive. I've being having an affair with a MM for over four years now. We have a 18month old. The beginning of this year his wife found out. Threaten to leave but didn't, he decided to end the affair and work on his marriage.

Since then he has secretly been seeing me and my daughter (not sexual) she wants him to have nothing to do with us. He found out last month she too had an affair with a man over the last year or so and she has now decided because we have a child together (they do not) she would rather be with the other man.

He has moved out but has said he is not ready to start another relationship, he has to get his head together. I'm deeply in love with him, but I am afraid to think of being with him because I feel like when he made the choice to work on his marriage he didn't chose me and I would only be what he's settling for.

The wife called me last night, told me she wasn't angry with me, that their marriage failed long before I came along. She said she surprised how much he does for his daughter because she was under the impression he didn't want any kids and she couldn't have any. She said she has been telling him for the last few months he needs to be with his family and he knows it has been over between them.

why is he not running to us? He said he loves her and can only see her right now. Am I being a fool for waiting for him to love me? I want to move on but I can't. I feel stuck.

Hi Hush,

The only reason I encouraged you to post here is because technically your A is over. You should post were you feel most comfortable and where you feel you will get the most support. Also, regardless where you post please continue to read on EAS as you will get a lot of great knowledge from the post there. There are a lot of wonderful people who will give you much support but no harm in posting here and getting some support tooJ

I think it is best that he (your xAP) is taking some time to clear his head. If he ran to you right now, it would be just going from one relationship to another and that is really not the best thing to do. Also, you have to consider that he does not want to be with you and that is why he isn’t coming to you now. Sorry I don’t want to be harsh. I know you’re hurting but it has to be said because it is a real possibility.

If he does say in the end that he wants to have a relationship with you, please be very, very careful. Do not move in together immediately. Before moving forward, you need to see D papers FIRST. Saying he is getting a divorce means nothing. We have seen many cases on EAS where xAP’s break up with their spouse and both H and W say it is over and then a month or so later they decide to try it again.

I know you think it is different because the W called you but it isn’t. People feel one way today and tomorrow it changes. Please, please, please be smart here.

Let’s face it he cheated on his wife to be with you. Cheating and lies do not make a good foundation to build any relationship on. If you both agree to move forward with a R, I strongly suggest that you ask him to agree to counseling with you. If you get a professional involved in the relationship from the start, they can help you avoid pitfalls that couples in situations like this fall victim to. He is coming from a failed relationship. It does not mean that his next relationship will fail but let’s be honest; it does mean that he hasn’t had a good track record in that area.

If he agrees to go to counseling with you, it does show that he is making a commitment to find out how to make your relationship successful. I would not allow myself to become his next experiment but you have to do what you think is best. I know there is a child involved but I’m also saying this for the protection of your child because going into a bad relationship or one that has the odds stacked against it won’t help your child in the long run nor will it help you.

Also you need to take some time and do some soul searching yourself. You need to ask yourself if you believe that you can trust him in the area of fidelity.

I hope you both will take some time to think this through and not just go off feelings. While there is no easy answer here, the more you do to get the R on a strong footing if you both decide to be together, the better the chance you will have a successful outcome.

Much love and big hugs as you make decisions on how to proceed,

E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

What a tough situation. I'm sorry you are going through it. I think that for now, you need to give him the time and the space to get his head together. You really need him to come to you willingly and because it's what he truly desires. If he had run straight to you, you would wonder if you are the rebound or the real thing. You would wonder if he only came to you because the W wasn't an option any more. I feel relatively confident that he'll be back around and you 2 will give this thing a good go of it. But you have to wait until he's ready. Sounds like their marriage was over a long time ago and they both had A's to prove that. W probably wanted to be with om all along, but it didn't feel right to do that. The knowledge that he shares a child with you gives her the perfect out, without having to take too much responsibility.

Give him the space he needs. In the mean time, find out what he expects from you. Does he expect you to wait or to move on? If he expects you to wait, how long does he expect you to wait? If he says you can move on if you want to, then it's up to you. It's really up to you either way. So you can stay and wait, or you can "not wait" but not date, or you can start going out and enjoying life with friends and others.

I think that when he made the choice to work on his marriage, he was doing what he thought was the right thing; to honor his commitment and his vows. If you were his wife, you would expect that from him. He probably made that choice because it's what he thought she expected from him.

This was follow up message to that post....

He does financially support us, he's done that the whole time. It took a little more time for him to bound with her but he has done that as well, I know he loves her, but I feel like he resents me for having her if that makes any since. I think he feels like, although, she said the relationship has been over years that me having my daughter put the nail in the coffin. I see him a lot, he's always around but it's that underlying resentment I don't think we will get past. He didn't want me to have her and although he was around my whole pregnancy he made it a very unpleasant experience and I was mad at him for that, because although he told me to go ahead and be happy and don't let him rain on my parade he was still very resentful. After the baby shower and all the gifts started coming every time he would come over he would just be mad. He just kept coming around and one day when she was about six months she was laying on the bed and he walked in and she reached up her arms and said "da da" and he's been all wrapped up in her every since. I don't have to make him do stuff he do it anyway. I also already had a daughter who he also supports and she calls him daddy. She started Kindergarten this year and he checks her homework and call to ask her about her day and he did not miss wishing her well on the first day of school. It's just baffling how he has bounded with my daughters but seems to not really like me. He said it's not that he don't like me he just needs time and that he don't regret having our daughter he just said it was the wrong thing to do because he was married. I had mentioned I wanted to go somewhere, and Sunday he picked me up saying he needed me to help him put up some blinds and we went there. We are not sleeping together but I really want too, but he said he's not ready to climb back into the bed with me because it wouldn't be fair to me with him still in love with her and always thinking about her. He said he likes to spend time with me and talk to me but he needs some time and it hurts so much because I am afraid we will NEVER be together even though I know what we have done was wrong I still love him and I started today trying to give him the space he needs. I am trying to prepare myself for the worst....the possibility that we may never be a couple.

I'm giving him that space....well at least today.