I was in a long A with a MM after my husband left and I was subequently D. We went back and forth many times, but never seemed to lose the heart for each other. First year---secret affair; then she discovered, kicked him out and he was with me for 3 months; he went back but we began seeing each other again; another year of on/off seeing but as AP's; then year and half with me as he waited for her to file-I told him it's D papers or goodbye and broke up; then he was a year back in his M, supposedly mostly for kids/guilt. This Spring, he left (for good...or so it goes) and is with me.
Sooo....a lot has happened. He was separated in May. We are living opening and freely. Throughout these years, he led me to believe his M was pretty bad. I actually know it was in many ways, but I just came across something he and she wrote to each other when he back to "try" and for the kids. It was written a year ago and shows intimacy, tenderness, etc. Basically it was a short sexy messages, complete with pet names.
I know. What's the big deal? Well...we were in contact during that time and he would always say she would never allow sex after all the issues, that she didn't want him but was hanging in there for the kids, etc. Same with him. I see now that he lied to me. Big surprise, huh? He was lying to her when he was seeing me, so why should I be surprised?
My thing is that now he did make the decision, move out, quit "hiding", planning the d, etc...In other words, we are trying to make a go of it....but this info really bugs me. I tried to talk to him about it and he really upset him and he said he's not going back in the past...he was sorry...anyway our talk was not very productive and things he said makes me worry that he still has feelings for ex and/or has not done the healing work that needs to be done...it's not really so much about jealousy as alarm that some of this was going on and he has not addressed it.
I'm not sure I can give advice but I will offer some perspective.
First, since his D is not final, you are still on shaky ground. That isn't to say he doesn't deserve your trust but it will color your perspective regarding his past and present actions.
I was M and my AP was single. A few months into my A, I started to disassociate my self from my XH (reduced affection, limited sex eventually no sex etc). These things don't happen over night. Many relationships don't end with the flip of a switch but with a fading till eventually there is nothing left. Some people create the illusion that they are working on their M (writing sexy notes or taking romantic vacations). I confess to giving my X loving cards even though my feelings for him had long died. Life and relationships are complicated and even those who have checked out of their M's may present the front that everything is fine for a while.
Where your AP fits into all this - none of us can tell. I would suggest you take a deep breath and understand that things aren't always clear. If he appears committed to you now, then cut him some slack. BUT, keep tabs on that D of his to make sure it is actually moving forward. That is your real indicator of his commitment to you.
I know there are several posters who have experienced some major ups and downs with there APs. I'm sure they will provide their perspective.
My thoughts - first, this was a private communication, and was not yours to read. The fact that you read it and now have trouble with its contents is proof that we should not read things like that when we come across them.
Regarding his marriage - Regardless of what an AP tells us, we don't know what is really going in their marriage. Sometimes they lie to us to make us feel better, sometimes they lie to us because they are also lying to themselves. If you have ever talked to two people after they break up, sometimes they sound like they were in two totally different relationships, because the story they describe is so radically different.
I think it can be unreasonable to expect that your partner terminate all feelings for a former partner. I have learned that I have to be more secure about how he feels about me than to feel jealous or concerned because I know that he still has feelings for his ex-W. She is the mother of his children and she has a number of good qualities. He ultimately decided that the marriage was not working, but that didn't mean that he didn't still have feelings for her. He told me that he will always love her. I can't do much about that, other than remind myself that he chose to be with me and that he married me.
During that crazy period where he was still living in the town where they lived together and they were separated and working toward divorce, I believe that he tried to keep us both from feeling rejected. Some of what I know I learned by reading things I had no business reading, so I put myself in a similar place to where you are. I learned to stay away from his private things, even if I came across something inadvertently.
So, in my case, what I learned was that six years ago, after we had just spent an incredibly romantic time together, the day I left, he emailed her to ask her to have dinner with him. I didn't learn this until two years later when they were divorced and he had moved across the country to be with me, when I was checking his email and sorted emails to find something (as he had just called and asked me to do). Its a good thing I didn't know it at the time, because I do not think I would have handled it well.
I now realize that when someone has a history and a life with someone, it is dificult to walk away. I don't want to berate him for having those feelings.
Thank you both for your perspectives. I gained something from both.
Donna, I know I am on shaky ground in some ways. He has made the decision to leave and be with me...but in our state you must wait for 1 year to file. He and w do not speak at all. She only allows him to park in the driveway to pick up the kids. Though she is angry, I now know she did want him back and tried to make things work. She continues to list herself as married on FB. I have no clue what she is thinking or planning. (and it's him not her I need to worry about.)
I can only receive his love and trust and continue to build our relationship. This information is messing with my head and making me feel insecure though. It's so true that I can't expect him to not have feelings for her, but it's the intensity of them and that he was feeling romantic and really trying to make it work too (when I thought this was not the case.) It's taking some adjustment. I find myself remembering some of the things he wrote when I am with him. I am feeling a bit guarded.
Though I don't want to badger him, don't you think it's reasonable to ask how he feels about her now and if those feelings are resolved and he has done the work of grieving, processing, and moving on? I actually don't know that he has. His reaction tells me he would rather avoid that (his main coping style). He has told me that he knows God has put us together, this is the right thing, and he is so happy to be able to move on from the hell, the cage, etc. He refrains from saying anything about their relationship, or about his feelings for the demise of his marriage, or his feelings for her.
Basically, we are both avoiding that and I just think it could bring trouble down the line. I think too, as painful as it was to read, I'm glad I know a little more about where they were.
So true too, cr, that I really should not be reading things that were not meant for me. I am really trying to change that. There's this little hint of doubt and suspicion....probably from our long history of back and forth, maybe, and his hiding things from both of us. My solution to that though is not to snoop, find out, etc. I know that.
With that said, I know if my AP/BF had pushed for more information regarding my feelings during my D, I would have been guarded in my response. It had nothing to do with residual feelings for my STBX or reservations about the course I had chosen. I wanted to be with my AP and I was doing what I needed to do to get there. However, my emotions were so raw at the time from the stress of the whole process that discussing what I was feeling would have been a mistake. I believe that my heightened emotions left me unable to properly express myself and my AP/BF also had heightened emotions which left him vulnerable to misinterpreting what I said.
Sometimes, it is best to hold some things back from the person closest to you.
You love this man. Let him know it. Let him know you feel vulnerable and you are trying not to over react. Let him know that you want to be there to listen to him but you understand that he may need to keep some things to himself.
Remember to keep your life whole by having some relationships and activities outside of your relationship with BF. Post here often. We've BTDT and truly understand the roller coaster. We'll gently remind you to keep your head (when necessary) and sympathize when there is nothing anyone can do to help.
Hang in there. These relationships are not for the week or insecure. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Love 
